I have been siting with the difficulty and fear of the realities of BaxtersBFF's question since yesterday. what I learn when I really look and sit still with the question, then just start writing. so, my starting list so far:
trying to change my mental/emotional state (self-medicating)
feeling energized an alive (probably started feeling the good (inside the LIES!! early on in email communications
yearning for connection but not stating it to Dearest Wife.
Sexualized a beginning friendship (oh yes, how male of me)
Thinking i wanted out? unconscious.
mistook the op's desire's or intention as my own (
???)
try to wake self up
express some anger at my life or wife (new phrase: "passive-destructive" yeah, not so passive!!!)
Male selfishness, which I told myself I didn't have. wrong.
Escape from the burden of everyday life, though I love my wife and kids; stepping out rather than asking for help.
and a horrible, destructive, inexcusable: cry for help.
Now, have to look for more and try to figure out which are most salient and which don't fit. Its really hard to post these here but I'm getting clearer about airing it out, um, airs it out. then I can feel the pain of my shame and embarrassment, get unstuck from my selfishness and self-deception and return to the business of answering hard and harder questions in the service of begin honest, staying present, digging deeper, figuring out what I can offer back.
Is there anything I can offer now that will be anywhere close to what we had? What I offered her/us in the almost two decades before the A? I've vaporized all her trust in me--not just as a husband, but as a person she would ant in her life. I'll probably start or find another thread about what to do along with my own ideas. persistent commitment to her, NC, and sustained effort...
Thanks for everyone's thoughts, and questions, I'm grateful.