SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

HowCouldI17 posted 5/21/2013 13:23 PM

Hi,
new WS here...
My very smart and compassionate, thoughtful, BS, asks questions that in the long run will really help me. In the short run, I'm very confused about what I can to to give her some reassurance that I'm finally being truthful. How can I show and prove that I am actaully committed and truthful this time. One affair, one post-affair contact with op. I then lied about the contact and only admitted it when faced with disclosure by communication between our marriage counselor and my IC. I'm reading Maia's guide and wondering what other WS's have to offer. I have a gps tracker on my phone to log where I am at all times.

This last betrayal of trust may be the end for us, I know, but I can't and don't want to give up...even if she has given up on me. i'm terrified of losing the love of my life with whom I had been faithful for almost eighteen years. I'm working on my patterns of self and other deception in IC. I'm trying to stay positive and reaching out when I can. I feel scared and know there are so many experiences out there...freaking out and could use some ideas, support.
Thanks to all who write and are engaged in this process.
hci17

Aubrie posted 5/21/2013 13:45 PM

Welcome to SI. You mentioned you're reading Maia's guide. Also hit up the Healing Library and these links:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=327446

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250

Also suggest a book called How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. (Used to be a thread that spelled it all out but it fell off the forum pages and as far as I know, nobody had it saved.) Short book, lots of good stuff in there.

As far as how to "prove" you're on the straight and narrow...time. Consistency, transparency, patience, and time. This isn't a quick fix. It's a 2-5 year process. (If you're on a fast track) Many times it takes 5-7 years.

Oh yeah. Something you have to let go of is the outcome. Are you scared and worried to lose your wife? Yeah probably so. It's up to her however, if the consequence of your actions causes you to lose her. She may be done. Whether she stays or leaves the bottom line is, you're screwed up. So you need to fix that. You are not a safe person for her or anyone else until you fix you. Anyway, again welcome. Hope you stick around.

SandAway posted 5/21/2013 13:58 PM

Welcome to SI - you will gain lots of knowledge as well as receiving support here.

Aubrie gave you lots of good reading material.

I have a couple questions.

Have you sent a NC letter to th OW? One that your BW has read and agreed to?

Is the OW married?

HowCouldI17 posted 5/21/2013 22:06 PM

Thanks Aubrie and SandAway!

Great suggestions and I really the appreciate the wisdom and directness. Yesterday I let go of the outcome. I had been focused on my loss, I think, more than her process. Though I had been attentive to anger and pain, I was still lying about having had contact with the op. To answer SandAway: no letter, but will consider with BS as well. Thanks. I may ask about experiences with such a letter in this or another post/thread.

Though I had presented that we were both working towards Reconciliation, I had been holding some lies and until I gave them up, I was not fully here. So now I'm here, having pushed the marriage and BS to the brink, and I take your comment about time, and consistent work on my part--regardless of outcome--very seriously. Yes, deeply afraid of losing my amazing wife.

I am not a safe person to anyone until I fix me--this will stay with me, writing it in my recovery/reconciliation journal. For years I was the safe person, the person she would have turned to except now I'm the danger...fix me.

OW not married.

Thanks to you both!
best,
hci17

BaxtersBFF posted 5/21/2013 22:14 PM

Just wanted to say welcome. SI is a great resource, especially for WS.

Do you know why you chose to have an A?

HowCouldI17 posted 5/22/2013 15:24 PM

Hi BaxtersBFF,
And thanks. Great question, I'm working on that one. I don't have what feels like a solid credible answer at the moment--which is also part of prevention for the future. I know the stories I told myself after the fact, and to my wife. I have a range of things that feel close and somewhat accurate; but none of them seem to add up to enough, something viable enough to say I "know" why I chose this destructive path.

how about you? What made you choose and A?

20WrongsVs1 posted 5/22/2013 15:47 PM

Though I had presented that we were both working towards Reconciliation, I had been holding some lies and until I gave them up, I was not fully here. So now I'm here.

In the same exact boat today. Starting writing a similar post but was too ashamed, and didn't want to come across as throwing a pity party. The fog lifted yesterday, when BH kinda 180'd me.

Things that seemed so real, my justifications, the "spiritual connection" with the AP, now just feel fake and pathetic.

Thank God for smart, compassionate, thoughtful spouses. Despite our betrayal.

I chose to have an A because I wanted validation. To feel desirable and sexy again, at age 41. Because you know, men on Ashley Madison have real high standards. Once I started, I enjoyed the OMs' attention, and the feeling of "getting away with it." Horrible. Can't believe BH didn't throw my ass out, but it took me believing he would, to snap me out of it. To admitting breaking NC.

Welcome to DDay #2, honey!

No advice, just camaraderie. I am so confused, I don't know which way is up.

HowCouldI17 posted 5/23/2013 09:32 AM

I have been siting with the difficulty and fear of the realities of BaxtersBFF's question since yesterday. what I learn when I really look and sit still with the question, then just start writing. so, my starting list so far:
trying to change my mental/emotional state (self-medicating)
feeling energized an alive (probably started feeling the good (inside the LIES!! early on in email communications
yearning for connection but not stating it to Dearest Wife.
Sexualized a beginning friendship (oh yes, how male of me)
Thinking i wanted out? unconscious.
mistook the op's desire's or intention as my own ( ???)
try to wake self up
express some anger at my life or wife (new phrase: "passive-destructive" yeah, not so passive!!!)
Male selfishness, which I told myself I didn't have. wrong.
Escape from the burden of everyday life, though I love my wife and kids; stepping out rather than asking for help.
and a horrible, destructive, inexcusable: cry for help.

Now, have to look for more and try to figure out which are most salient and which don't fit. Its really hard to post these here but I'm getting clearer about airing it out, um, airs it out. then I can feel the pain of my shame and embarrassment, get unstuck from my selfishness and self-deception and return to the business of answering hard and harder questions in the service of begin honest, staying present, digging deeper, figuring out what I can offer back.

Is there anything I can offer now that will be anywhere close to what we had? What I offered her/us in the almost two decades before the A? I've vaporized all her trust in me--not just as a husband, but as a person she would ant in her life. I'll probably start or find another thread about what to do along with my own ideas. persistent commitment to her, NC, and sustained effort...

Thanks for everyone's thoughts, and questions, I'm grateful.