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striving to move on

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broken0322 posted 5/21/2013 13:34 PM

He cheated and now she is pregnant. What a whammy? We are not married however our financial obligation is on lock for the next year. I will visit this forum often because I need something to keep me sane. Ive made my decision to remove myself however we must live under the same roof for 1 more year. Only God know how this will work out.

byHisGrace posted 5/21/2013 13:53 PM

I'm so sorry you had to find yourself here. It's not a place anyone ever wants to be but I'm thankful I found it too.

My husband cheated while we were dating. He had one ONS and it resulted in a pregnancy. I don't know how long your SO cheated but it is a blow when the OW ends up pregnant. I too just found out and there are so many times that I just want to die. There are times when I wish I could just remove myself but we have a child of our own and we're married. I don't want this ONS to ruin my life but for now it's doing a darn good job of it.

Stay on here and look around. It's helped me keep my sanity (some).

undonelife posted 5/21/2013 15:28 PM

Why not see an attorney & see about getting out of those financial obligations? I wish I'd known before I married. I'd have run!

broken0322 posted 5/21/2013 22:05 PM

I have so many mixed emotions. I know what's best for me but deep in my heart I'm not afraid to move on. I don't want to move on. I'm miserable with and without him. What I hate the most is that I don't hate him. I know what's best and I know the strength is there to move on I just need strength and support finding it. I cant do this alone and I'm getting tired of pouring my guts to him. This is total betrayal and I don't deserve this. I feel stupid for not smacking the hell out him and not putting him out and just dealing with the debt of his absence. He keeps apologiz ing and saying how stupid he is and unfortunately its not enough its just not. You detroy my spirit and you sorry no not enough. Fight dammit! Pray! Remove pride! Grow up!
(And I told someone I wasnt angry anymore yeah right!lol)

ladies_first posted 5/21/2013 22:52 PM

He cheated and now she is pregnant

There is an "Other Child" group over in the I Can Relate Forum.


[This message edited by ladies_first at 10:52 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)]

Getting to Happy posted 5/22/2013 20:34 PM


Its okay to be angry. Even to cry.

Crying is cleansing. Just don't make a habit of it.

Strength and Light.

Omahahurt posted 5/22/2013 21:05 PM

I'm only 6 weeks in, but I can tell you me and my two kids are still in the same house as my husband and he is still seeing her. In my heart I wish he would come back, but I know he won't. I don't know how recently you found out, but my perspective is completely different than it was 6 weeks ago. Give yourself some time to figure out what you really want. If it is to make it work, figure out what you will need to move past this and forgive. I had to take all other opinions out and see what I really wanted. He had the part that was all about him. Now you need to focus on you. This forum is amazing and full of people much wiser than me. Listen to you.

Ashland13 posted 5/23/2013 08:37 AM

I like what Omahurt said about "taking all other opinions out."

I call it a "filter". The opinions and advice drove me to a point where I could not think. Some of it was spot on, some tainted and much seems to depend on a person's own life experiences.

For instance, I noticed patterns in the adivce. Married people who were happy in M and life would suggest holding on til more information was found. Divorced or hurt people or those who are/were unhappy and unsatisfied with their lives suggested forcefully my ending the M right away.

It amazed me that people would advise divorce before I even knew he cheated! Just...Bam!

So in many ways, I commend all of you for reasoning things out and not making big decisions right away. It took me a really long time and has been very scary...and blank. The future is is a big black hole, but it is my hope to be able to control it a little more for myself and at least I could end the cheating and his ability to hurt me or DD and can put boundaries on our home now.

I'm sorry that you have to do in-house separation, I understand it to be excruciating at times. I think it doesn't seem to help with healing when people have to be so near each other often.

One thing that has helped me FWIW, is that detatching has taken on several angles. I detatched from him a while ago-primarily I feel pity and disgust now-but detatching from M and that life and it's future is taking me longer. Changes are occuring daily and that's not helping.

I can tell you that a year and a half of being on my own still has grief periods, but I wonder what's out there for me lately.
I wish all of you luck.

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/23/2013 11:27 AM

Broken, the one good thing is that you don't appear to have children with him, which would ultimately lower their standard of living because he's going to be obligated to pay child support for the next 20 or so years. So his income is definitely going to be affected by his stupidity.

I'm awful sorry you've been dealt this rotten hand.

broken0322 posted 5/23/2013 19:23 PM

I appreciate being here because its helping me answer things that he wont and just flat out can't. Part me hate him and the half I think is in denial. Hoping that he tell
me this was all a late April fool's joke. What will help me detatch from him while we are in this in house separation and no we don't have children and I'm extremely grateful for that, however my children consider him their father figure and he is great with and has established an awesome relationship with them. This angers me to no end. So I have worn my poker face outside of the bedroom and cry my heart and eyes out behind closed doors. O vowed to keep it together even in front of him from here on out, he doesn't deserve another tear or conversation for that matter. O do have a little pity for him right now but more than pity I want revenge and dammit I want it ASAP.

broken0322 posted 5/30/2013 11:14 AM

Good morning SI I need your help. I have to be honest with myself and I really need some advice. It's day 15 and I honestly have hope. While my guards are up I see him trying to make this right. He's a wonderful person that has made one dumb and lifelong mistake. As I still of course have bouts of anger, hurt, and everything that come with the betrayal I actually still have hope for our relationship. Help me!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I can posted 5/30/2013 12:37 PM

Be really careful and suspicious. Just because the OW may have lost some of her shininess doesn't mean that he is a good guy now. He's still a broken cheater at this point.

confused615 posted 5/30/2013 12:54 PM

What is he doing to show you he wants to R?

Is he being honest about everything?

Is he answering all of your questions without blame,anger,or being defensive?

Is he transparent? Do you have full access to all of his accounts,and cell..including passwords?

Has he gone NC with the OW? I realize she is pregnant,but he can still be NC with her until the baby is born and/or there's a paternity test.

Is he in IC to figure out why he did this?

Is he reading any books? Is he on SI?

Being nice and helpful around the house..being affectionate..all lovey-dovey...that is not working on healing the damage he's done to you or this's him hoping you will rugsweep this and let it go(won't/can't happen).

broken0322 posted 5/30/2013 13:32 PM

Thank you and great questions to ponder!

So far I feel he's being honest (hard to trust)! He is answering any and everything my mind can think of and want or need to know. No I do not have his password to his phone, he's totally not computer and email literate so the phone is the only password I need. He has shown me how she has been texting and calling and he didn't respond until she told him she was in the ER (games of course). She's throwing tantrums because he hasn't responded. This is where I'm extremely Leary because I just don't believe there's just absolutely no contact. Reading books and counseling he has not read or seen anyone ( good advice). I need to.DEMAND a lot at this point and you've helped me understand some of what I NEED to demand. I will check back and let you know. I've never been through this before and I need help

confused615 posted 5/30/2013 13:38 PM

Put a keylogger on the computer. Chances are,you will find a secret email account.

I thought the same thing...WH was computer illiterate also...but I found out differently on dday. He had a secret email account..was texting pics to people..was texting people..all things I had thought he didn't know how to do..he learned...please don't make the same mistakes many of us have...don't assume anything about your WH right now.

He needs to give you the password...when he comes home,take his not ask for it..and while it is ion your hand,ask for the password..if he has nothing to hide,he will give you that password immediately..if he has nothing to hide,he will jump at the chance to earn a few trust points back. If he is hiding,cheating,or lying, he will grab the phone back..or he will get angry,ask when you're going to put this behind you,etc. Anything other than telling you the password on the spot and you will have your will know he is in contact with her.

Jada52 posted 5/30/2013 14:20 PM

I put a keylogger on our computer and got one password to a new email account. His other 3 emails he has on the robo form 2 go and the only thing it shows is the master password which I already knew. He changed the others and no way can I get those. Also anyone putting a spy program on an Android phone, if it runs Lookout, that program will disable the spyware so don't waste your money. Also if you try to "find" the phone of the WS, it will send an email to the gmail account notifying it has been found. Just a heads up

[This message edited by Jada52 at 2:23 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]

broken0322 posted 6/1/2013 00:24 AM



CallMeRed1 posted 6/1/2013 04:24 AM

Broken I hope you are okay. It's very early days for you so try and not to anything hastily.

I lived under the same roof with my ex for a few months after we decided to D. It was probably the most horrible time of my life, the relief I felt when he left was intense. So if you can get out of the financial deal early I would try.

I agree with the others re keyloggers too.

Try not to run out if you can, get the agreements sorted or you may end up in a really difficult financial situation.

Thinking of you.

broken0322 posted 6/1/2013 11:12 AM

I'm in tears! We had a really bad argument last night. He OFFERED to show me the messages this woman is constantly sending him. Although he's telling her to keep it about the baby, i feel like stop responding period. She's begging and DESPERATELY seeking his attention, she even sent him a sex video. I snapped! So while I was looking through her messages I scrolled through some other messages from other woman. Stuff like good morning. He think this is a game and I just want out. He claims he want to make it right bit no he want a few months to go by and then here come the bullshit again. I packed some clothes last night, but I told myself where in the hell am I going to go right now. I just want this saga to be over. Its over between us and truthfully there's no reconciliation here. Id be STUPID!

1Faith posted 6/1/2013 13:15 PM

Hang in there. I know it is crazy, surreal and mind blowing.

Find your strength and truth.

Have him move out and figure out how to start rebuilding you.

He can't make this right. And if it is too much for you then that's okay.

Consequences suck.

Hang in there and keep moving. You are going to be okay.

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