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pewpewpew posted 5/21/2013 14:48 PM

We are doing good. Most days.
I still struggle. But WH is really trying and putting in the work.

Why do I still hear "she was just a friend?" He has never once admitted to an EA or PA. He knows he fucked up. Knows boundaries were crossed.

Why can't I let it go? I have NO proof to say otherwise. Never intercepted a text, overheard a phone call. OW has swore nothing happened - but her loyalty lied with WH at the time.

WH swore he'd cut off all contact with her. All he wanted was his family. He would do anything for us. But yet after dday a secret phone was purchased?

If only I had waited to confront, planted the VAR... caught him.

Maybe nothing physical did happen. Maybe it was an EA (it WAS at least that) but I need to hear him say it. I need to know he had a real reason to throw everything away on someone more than a "friend".

Somedays are just hard.

2married2quit posted 5/21/2013 14:54 PM

True repentance and reconciliation comes with a real confession. IMO.

Rebreather posted 5/21/2013 14:57 PM

You cannot reconcile what you do not know. And what he cannot admit to, he cannot heal from.

The cards are held by you. Has he taken a poly?

pewpewpew posted 5/21/2013 18:10 PM

I don't think I "can't" reconcile without knowing. We are good. Better than we've ever been actually. We work hard at our M. We spend so much time together. We make time for us.

I just feel jaded. Maybe due to SI and reading into it too much. I'm guarded and I am fixated on the "handbook".
Yes, everything screams A, full blown, the works.
But I do know my WH and I do know we have been through a roller coaster. I have never rug swept, we have hashed it out. Trust me.
He knows the consequences. I want to be happy. I want to work at it as we have been.
I just feel that maybe he IS being honest - something unfortunately ill never believe because of his actions. There is so much back story.

I've went through the stages of grief - I no longer love blindly. I will always have my eyes wide open and ill always trust - but verify.

I want to believe he can be human and learn from his choices/mistakes.

He's a great person. A great great father. And always was an amazing husband.

Am I naive?