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Bellecatprincess posted 5/21/2013 14:48 PM

Last night at MC our pastor told us he didn't think that we are a couple that he feels should be in R. He said that we both show so much contempt and resentment towards one another that the hurdle will be to high to over come. My WH and I can not communicate. Both of us need to be right all of the time. We honestly do not see eye to eye on anything. Needless to say that we left feeling defeated and scared.

On my DDay I filed for divorce and he moved out. He is not in contact with the OW. He tells me how much he is trying and I need to see it more. Today is 2 months to the day. So we have not had relations, he has not stayed at the house since DDay.

My WH does not want to give up. I am honestly on the fence I could go either way at this point. He suggested that we take a road trip this weekend just the two of us. Kind of a make us or break us type thing. I am really hesitant to go. The 27th is also our anniversary.

What would you all do?

doggiemom12 posted 5/21/2013 14:51 PM

If you both need to be right and are not getting along I would seriously question why he wants to remain. Is it not wanting to split up the money? Looking bad to other people? What is the reason.

No way I would go anywhere away with him when I don't know what he is thinking. You will be stuck and vulnerable and he may even hurt you.

Don't go. And get the divorce. It will be much more peaceful. Sounds like you are beating a dead horse.

Bellecatprincess posted 5/21/2013 16:41 PM

I just don't know how to let go.

I really wanted R to work.

It has only been 2 months and it feels like a year. I am dreading calling him to tell him that I cannot go with him.

I wish the pain would just stop. Why can't we just close our eyes and click oour heels together and wish it all away....

FeelingSoMuch posted 5/21/2013 16:54 PM

My WW and I are starting to communicate better after three months. It took weekly MC sessions to get here.

We were forced to mirror each other, validate and empathize. You can do all that without agreeing, which eliminates the need to be right.

It feels forced at first, but it becomes natural and for us, it's yielding results. We would not have made it this far without help from MC and this type of controlled communication.

We're going to a Imago therapist, there might be one in your area.

If you decide to go, you might want to meet for a coffee first and see how you communicate.

Stay strong.

avicarswife posted 5/21/2013 20:51 PM

So you want R and your WH wants R?

If your WH is prepared to do the work and you can see it in action then it seems to me like you have the goal.

It also sounds like you will both need to be doing a lot of work if the contempt and resentment expressed between you is that bad.

Look - if you both want to reconcile and are prepared to "draw a line in the sand" and work together towards R (I don't mean rug sweep the A), maybe the road trip could be a good thing.

A break away, maybe focus on something besides infidelity.

You have 17 years of history - I am guessing to start with your communication was ok.

Maybe you could even find a Retrouvaille or Imago program to attend on your week-end.

[This message edited by avicarswife at 12:17 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

ladies_first posted 5/21/2013 22:31 PM

we both show so much contempt and resentment

If you can BOTH turn off the contempt and resentment for 24 hours, then you can return and get down to the work of R. If you decide to move forward and work on your M, then give yourself an 18th anniversary gift and find a MC who specializes in infidelity.

PowerInNow posted 5/21/2013 22:35 PM

My WH and I did take a road trip when we were living apart. One thing happened in the car. We talked. First about small things. Then about angry things. Finally about feelings.

When you are looking at the road sometimes it is a little easier to express yourself.

mesoSTUPID posted 5/22/2013 03:51 AM

The best advice I ever received from this community was to wait 1 year before making any decisions. You are only 2 months out and very fresh into all this.

I can tell you from the bottom of my heart that one year makes all the difference in the world.

Take the road trip... We took many during the first months and in reliving our history together and realizing we had far more good years than bad years made me realize I wanted to fight for my marriage.

(((Hugs)))

Lucky2HaveMe posted 5/22/2013 06:05 AM

My WH and I can not communicate. Both of us need to be right all of the time. We honestly do not see eye to eye on anything. Needless to say that we left feeling defeated and scared.

Are you in IC at all? Seems like you both might have some issues to work on separately as well as with MC.

And try the road trip - keep no expectations other than to try to reconnect on a more intimate level - and by intimate I don't mean just sex. Try to really open up to one another.

Then come back and find a good IC for both of you.

Bellecatprincess posted 5/22/2013 08:40 AM

Thank you so much everyone.

I asked him to give me the night to think about the road trip and he was understanding.

I am going to go. It is a 6 hour ride one way. Our normal way of doing things is to hang up on each other or get up and walk away. Maybe being stuck in the middle of nowhere in a car will make us finally be able to talk.

Thank you, Thank you SI everyone here has kept me sane!

stillcrying4ever posted 5/22/2013 09:23 AM

The 27th is also my dday. We took a 6 day trip in Feb. And many people on this site told me i should not go as ow has continued to call and he would talk to her. I found out the same day as we flew out. The trip was the best thing that has happened since dday. Was very healing. We came back and he made it clear that she was not to contact him ever again. It has been 3 months today. You both do need to give in to each other tho. You can't both always be right. If you want R to work it takes 2.

[This message edited by stillcrying4ever at 10:53 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]