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moment of realization

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LA44 posted 5/21/2013 17:12 PM

Had a thought and I can't believe it did not hit me sooner but...

Did my H not realize that the affair-person could have been to our boys what his Dad's new wife was to him? Sommeone who broke the rules to be with a married man. Someone who didn't seem to mind her choice in who she fell in love with. Someone whom he would still like an apology from.

In his mind, he was not like his dad bc he never wanted to leave us BUT...what if I decided to leave us bc of this? It would have ended up the same way for our boys.

Sad. I must ask him if he ever thought of this.

RunningBlind posted 5/21/2013 17:38 PM

I believe it's part of the fog. You'll see people all the time, in regard to cheating or otherwise, saying what a terrible choice so and so made, what a horrible person he/she is for doing that. All the while they are guilty of pretty much the same thing and all you can do is stare at them incredulously.

They hold themselves to a different standard. They rationalize the shit out of their actions so they're never as terrible as their father, their ex, their friend, etc. is, in their own eyes. It would be too hard.

I hope one day your H will see that but I believe a part of him is trying really hard not to. Hang in there, I'm wishing you the best

SisterMilkshake posted 5/21/2013 18:46 PM

It is pretty crazy how they can fool themselves, isn't it? The kind of mental gymnastics that most WS's go through to convince themselves that they are different and that their situation is unique and special.

My FWH's BF since H.S. was having a LTA with his bosses wife. (This was pre-A and before I found SI, I would have told the BW if I knew what infidelity was really like. I also would have insisted that my FWH ended this friendship with BF, not a friend of the marriage.) FWH always wondered how Andy could do this to Lisa. How disgusted he was by Andy's behaviour.

Then, FWH had his affair. I asked him how come it was so wrong of Andy to have an affair but it was okay for him? Well, you see, it was completely different. Andy was in love with both the OW and his wife. MisterSister was just fucking the OW, he didn't love it. See? Completely different.

Rebreather posted 5/21/2013 18:55 PM

OMG, totally.

My husband's father had a 10 year affair and left the marriage, married the affair partner, moved 2.5 hours away from my husband. He HATED his stepmonster. She was a horrible person, in general. It blew up his childhood, he watched his mother suffer, they were broke, etc etc etc.

In the words of my IC: we do what we know. We repeat patterns, no matter how damaging, if we don't heal properly and deal with things. Not an excuse, no way Jose.

But, part of the reason I didn't kick my spouse out on dday, is because I *knew* he was so far off the rails, that I feared he would totally follow his father's footsteps. Divorce, move away, etc. Divorce would be fine, but my kids losing their dad wasn't. He swears it never would have happened. He never would have gone to her that night. But wevs.

Anyway, yes. The fuckedupness is so massive. Another weirdness: it was during his affair that he really stood up to his stepmonster for the first time. Told her to fuck off, even. I still believe, and his IC agrees, he was lashing out at his own AP by doing that.

LA44 posted 5/22/2013 13:06 PM

Had a really great talk w H about this last night. He really "gets" it. Said at the time, he thought he was "different" from his dad bc he had no intention of leaving the family. He wanted the thrill. Not a new love

He also said that he thought he made some realizations in 2012 when A was over but now he says, it has only been since D-day and a lot of therapy and reading does he see how F'd up he was

Hooray for H! Work in progress

jost1125 posted 5/22/2013 13:55 PM

Absolutely! I have thought of this so many times!

My WBF has a lot of ill feelings for his dad because of him leaving their family for OW, yet he was doing the exact same thing to us.

I think (hope) he sees this, and I also think (hope) he sees how miserable his dad is and thanks his lucky stars that he realized what he was doing before it was too late, unlike his dad.

I don't think his dad came out of the fog until after he was married to OW!!!! Too bad for him. They are both selfish and inconsiderate, they are drunk every day, and they fight constantly.

My WBF's mom, on the other hand-doing wonderfully! Married to an awsome guy who treats her with kindness and compassion and respect. They built a new house and go on lots of great vacations. She is very happy now.

Totally amazing to me that they cannot see this while they are doing it, or that if they do they can justify it to themselves.


2married2quit posted 5/22/2013 14:01 PM

Sure, there might be a connection but my dad cheated and I have never done so. I remember seeing my mother crying and so it was enough for me to see the pain.

However, in my WW's home, there was never any cheating. Go figure?

crazyblindsided posted 5/22/2013 14:08 PM

I know my WH said to me that he never thought about leaving me or thought of a future without us, yet he was calling his MOW his GF and giving her all the love and attention that I was being neglected of.

When I told WH I was going to file for D he asked if I had thought of life without him? I told him I had no other choice.

Isn't cheating in effect a means to end a relationship?

LA44 posted 5/22/2013 14:48 PM

For some its a deal breaker crazyblindsided. I cannot imagine going through this again

We are looking @ all the parts that were broken in our relationship. I have my share too.

Jost: you might want to open a dialogue on this w your H. See if he "gets" it now

We are all so different in how we respond to life's greatest challenges

Take care all.

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