Did my H not realize that the affair-person could have been to our boys what his Dad's new wife was to him? Sommeone who broke the rules to be with a married man. Someone who didn't seem to mind her choice in who she fell in love with. Someone whom he would still like an apology from.
In his mind, he was not like his dad bc he never wanted to leave us BUT...what if I decided to leave us bc of this? It would have ended up the same way for our boys.
Sad. I must ask him if he ever thought of this.
They hold themselves to a different standard. They rationalize the shit out of their actions so they're never as terrible as their father, their ex, their friend, etc. is, in their own eyes. It would be too hard.
I hope one day your H will see that but I believe a part of him is trying really hard not to. Hang in there, I'm wishing you the best
My FWH's BF since H.S. was having a LTA with his bosses wife. (This was pre-A and before I found SI, I would have told the BW if I knew what infidelity was really like. I also would have insisted that my FWH ended this friendship with BF, not a friend of the marriage.) FWH always wondered how Andy could do this to Lisa. How disgusted he was by Andy's behaviour.
Then, FWH had his affair. I asked him how come it was so wrong of Andy to have an affair but it was okay for him? Well, you see, it was completely different. Andy was in love with both the OW and his wife. MisterSister was just fucking the OW, he didn't love it. See? Completely different.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
My husband's father had a 10 year affair and left the marriage, married the affair partner, moved 2.5 hours away from my husband. He HATED his stepmonster. She was a horrible person, in general. It blew up his childhood, he watched his mother suffer, they were broke, etc etc etc.
In the words of my IC: we do what we know. We repeat patterns, no matter how damaging, if we don't heal properly and deal with things. Not an excuse, no way Jose.
But, part of the reason I didn't kick my spouse out on dday, is because I *knew* he was so far off the rails, that I feared he would totally follow his father's footsteps. Divorce, move away, etc. Divorce would be fine, but my kids losing their dad wasn't. He swears it never would have happened. He never would have gone to her that night. But wevs.
Anyway, yes. The fuckedupness is so massive. Another weirdness: it was during his affair that he really stood up to his stepmonster for the first time. Told her to fuck off, even. I still believe, and his IC agrees, he was lashing out at his own AP by doing that.
He also said that he thought he made some realizations in 2012 when A was over but now he says, it has only been since D-day and a lot of therapy and reading does he see how F'd up he was
Hooray for H! Work in progress
My WBF has a lot of ill feelings for his dad because of him leaving their family for OW, yet he was doing the exact same thing to us.
I think (hope) he sees this, and I also think (hope) he sees how miserable his dad is and thanks his lucky stars that he realized what he was doing before it was too late, unlike his dad.
I don't think his dad came out of the fog until after he was married to OW!!!! Too bad for him. They are both selfish and inconsiderate, they are drunk every day, and they fight constantly.
My WBF's mom, on the other hand-doing wonderfully! Married to an awsome guy who treats her with kindness and compassion and respect. They built a new house and go on lots of great vacations. She is very happy now.
Totally amazing to me that they cannot see this while they are doing it, or that if they do they can justify it to themselves.
However, in my WW's home, there was never any cheating. Go figure?
When I told WH I was going to file for D he asked if I had thought of life without him? I told him I had no other choice.
Isn't cheating in effect a means to end a relationship?
We are looking @ all the parts that were broken in our relationship. I have my share too.
Jost: you might want to open a dialogue on this w your H. See if he "gets" it now
We are all so different in how we respond to life's greatest challenges
Take care all.