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libertyrocks posted 5/21/2013 17:31 PM

Just curious if anyone else sometimes feel like a fool??

We're in R and have a lot more good days than bad. I'm learning to forgive from my heart because the love and light in my children's eyes puts me in a good place.

But, on my down dark days, I feel like a fool! Wondering if I'll ever have someone tell me what a fool I was...

What are your experiences or thoughts on the matter?

Kierst13 posted 5/21/2013 17:35 PM

I'm contemplating R and I feel like a fool. I can't even be sure it's over.

libertyrocks posted 5/21/2013 17:43 PM

HI Kiwewar. Looks like you just got here...Sorry you're here with us, but nonetheless, welcome sweetie.

If there's love between you two, that's DEFEINETLY a good thing.

Chefj9 posted 5/21/2013 17:45 PM

Yes, I felt like a fool on dday and every dday filled with TT there after. I still wonder if I'm an idiot for continuing to stay. But I love him and he needs help. He's finally getting it. So, we'll see.

libertyrocks posted 5/21/2013 17:49 PM

Chef, you sound like me! :) Your WS is lucky they have you!!

pewpewpew posted 5/21/2013 18:01 PM

I question this all the time.
It seems that D would be so much easier.
YOU are never a fool - no matter what you decide. You didn't put yourself in this situation.
If any, you should feel strong for even contemplating R.
It's not made for p******.
I love my WH. I may be a fool if he proves me wrong. But at least I can always hold my head high and say I gave it all I got.
You will have bad days. More bad then good. But with time, it does get easier. Hang in there!

AFrayedKnot posted 5/21/2013 18:08 PM

Yes every day. But I know I would feel like a bigger fool if I walked away without giving R my all.

libertyrocks posted 5/21/2013 18:23 PM

Ok, I'm not alone on this. Just wanted to make sure everyone else realizes how effing hard this is...Even a dude (Chico).

crazyblindsided posted 5/21/2013 18:32 PM

Every.Single.Day, especially over the fact that I stayed after so many DDays.

One thing that is for sure, I won't feel like a fool the next time (if there is ever to be one) this happens to me.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 6:33 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)]

twodoves posted 5/21/2013 18:37 PM

Oh yes, absolutely.

Especially when talking to friends or family that haven't personally dealt with infidelity.

Rebreather posted 5/21/2013 18:57 PM

I think we all probably do, at one time or another.

BeautifulEmpty posted 5/21/2013 19:35 PM

Omg...YES!
I know this is stupid but something as small as putting us as 'married' or even in a relationship on Facebook...I can't do it. It's embarrassing. After our first separation, it took me a long time to admit that we were trying to R. I didn't have a wedding ring..nothing. By the time my new custom wedding band arrived, he had already moved into a new EA unbeknownst to me. Right after posting us as 'married' on Facebook, he was gone into the fog. This was all after 3 years of false R. I didn't know it was false of course. Now, I'm completely embarrassed. The OW took great relish in telling me how weak and ridiculous I was and how she'd done me a favor and now I could move on. I've been made fun of for being mentally ill. I've got a huge history and through it all, I was never embarrassed but after the big, long, false R...I sure am now.
I don't know how to move past it. He is doing everything a truly remorseful spouse should do. He's in counseling, I'm in counseling, we are in counseling. But here I am. So shamed I cannot hold my head up sometimes.

traditoperanni posted 5/21/2013 20:26 PM

I told my FWH once that if you look in the dictionary under SUCKER a picture of me would be next to the definition. So, yes sometimes I feel like a fool.
I have such a fear that even though we are in R and going to MC and he is doing everything he needs to do that it will happen again. And then I will definitely have been a stupid fool. But , as they say "fool my once.." I will be done.

Tripletrouble posted 5/21/2013 20:57 PM

Yes yes yes!!! I put it to WH like this: when I think, it's divorce, but when I feel, it's reconcile. So I don't feel like a fool, rather I think I'm a fool.

AFrayedKnot posted 5/21/2013 21:09 PM

Tripletrouble- brilliant

numb&dumb posted 5/22/2013 08:19 AM

Yes often, but not as much anymore.

As my W shows me her remorse and works hard on earning my trust and being safe for me it gets easier. Also her appreciating that this was a gift and not a right. I also see my children thrive which helps some too.

I keep telling myself that it takes a really strong person to put their individual feelings aside and attempt to reconcile with someone who has proven "risky."

Society, media and friends who have never had to walk in our shoes don't understand and therefore their "opinion" is irrelevant due to ignorance on the topic.

Giving another chance isn't being foolish. It is generous. It selfless. It shows that we understand the world goes beyond simply good or bad. Extending grace in the darkest of times has always been humanities greatest redeeming characteristic. We are part of continuing in that proud tradition.

keeponkeepingon posted 5/22/2013 11:42 AM

Yes me too.

We are heading on to a year of working to R. I just came out of IC where I discussed this same thing.

struggling3 posted 5/22/2013 12:33 PM

Yes...there have been times that I talk to myself and say "why the hell are you still with someone who hurt you so badly". He has done everything right and R is going well but you know it is just how we are wired...always thought I would never stay after any betrayal. I totally love everything numb&dumb said...all so very true!!!

Josephine01 posted 5/22/2013 12:37 PM

Ditto,

I was a fool. I let him tell me over and over how pathatic and irationional I was when I thought something was going on and somedays I even believed it, that I was accusing two inocent people.

Now, I wonder if I am a fool for believing him when he says its over, that they are not even friends anymore.

I don't trust my own instincts anymore. Oh well, par for the course.

Lucky posted 5/22/2013 12:46 PM

NO. Never.

We had a deep love, a long history of getting through terrible things, a strong bond & he was the model WS.

When you decide to R you are all in or not at all, you can't dip a toe in and call it R. It's the full plunge for both of you.

Your R won't be successful if you aren't all in and are hesitant.

If you are getting TT and a non remorseful spouse you aren't in R anyways.

Keep in mind the first few months of R are very tender and scary times. Very scary. You need to believe in yourself & believe you are strong and can do anything, whether you R or D., you need to have faith and confidence in yourself to face the tough times R throws your way.