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When the past won't stay in the past

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Strydr posted 5/21/2013 18:03 PM

I'm the WS that is trying everything to be authentic, real and the best man I can be and hope to become. I'm in SAA, IC, MC, have confessed to my priest and counseled with them, have hypnotherapy tapes I've listened to at night while I'm laying down, gotten books to read about sexual addiction and helping your spouse recover... I have told our oldest daughter of my A and my SAA, I have today to,d two friends about my A and my treatment I am seeking, I am going to go to acupuncture (hey, can't hurt), I am focusing on my BS and our life and family, I've plugged into my family and am trying to do those things I took for granted and spoil my BS for a change, I've switched my phone number, cancelled old unused emails, removed apps on my phone and ipad to the bare bones, I have given my BS all my passwords to everything, I have thrown out any and all items and clothes and anything that she or our children have not bought me (and it was all of legit stuff family and friends bought me), I spend all my time I can with my BS and when not I'm in constant contact with her, I have written nice NC letters, gruff NC letters, and the OW just won't give up trying to wedge between my BS and I. I take ownership and remorse for what I have done and my addiction. By grace of my wife and god my BS is still here and sees the OW for what she is and is doing...but it is killing me that everyday it is a new salvo of stuff to upset my BS. And not stuff I've done now, but stuff just pointed at blatantly being sadistic and inflicting pain on my BS. I put up another post about "Psycho OW" but dang it!!!! A WS that I think is doing at least things my BS see as promising steps just get waylaid by a person with no remorse or care about destroying my family, my BS, my children and the friends I have... I do understand had I not had the A...I would not be writing this or having this concern... But I fell... I did... And god knows I will live my life trying to be the man my BS deserves... But it's so hard to battle stuff you didn't do or say...insinuations that plant seeds of doubt...besmirch you to friends and coworkers...and destroy anything and everything and everyone associated to me. Top it off I have a condition as some know called Cataplexy... Mine is severe... I look like I have severe Parkinson's disease when I have certain emotions/triggers... Mine are stress, anxiety, laughter, anger, crowds and intimacy... Yes...a WS that goes into seizures after having sex, some mild...some bad... I have accepted it as my penance for my actions and I freely accept it...but my BS and I cannot have one day pass without some form of grenade or spitball the OW lobs at our fort...
Needless to say I stay shaking 24/7

Thanks for all of you being here and all of your support for myself, my BS and our family

Aubrie posted 5/21/2013 18:25 PM

It's consequences. Some reasonable, some not so reasonable, some downright not fair. But bottom line, it's consequences.

I'm all for grace and forgiveness. But I don't fully believe that "past stays in the past". My husband forgave me the day I confessed. Didn't mean I wasn't going to face consequences.

Some people may say, "Easy for you to say Aubrie, your husband chose not to tell anyone about the A." And that's true. However, we both suffered the consequences of my actions in different ways. We are not exempt from them.

Our families become collateral damage from our stupidity. We have APs that are bunny boilers, constantly stalking and harrassing. We have friends and loved ones that desert us or even worse, turn on our BSs and refuse to associate with our children. Some of us lose our jobs.

The A will be a scar upon our lives forever. A consequence of my actions.

Keep walking Strydr.

solus sto posted 5/21/2013 19:25 PM

You say that you can't block OW's number on your wife's phone. This may or may not be true; I have AT&T and can--for a fee--block up to 30 (maybe 40, I don't remember) numbers.

You also say that, because of the number of contacts, it would be too hard for your wife to change her number.

This is where you lose me. Our phones now hold so much information that a phone number change is simpler than it has ever been. People do it all the time, for a million reasons. All you have to do is send a mass mailing to her contacts (on her phone and in her email---all of which are likely right there on that single iPhone) and say, "From this point forward, my new number is xxx-xxx-xxxx."

No need for explanation; people often change their phone numbers. It brings peace.

Then you hand the iPhone to the guy at the AT&T store and say, "Disable this number and enable the new one." Go with an unlisted number for the new one. No, it's not fool-proof, but it makes things trickier. (I changed my number to avoid sociopath family and ten years later, neither has managed to locate my home or my phone number. It's quite possible to lose psychos, even if some of the actions required are unpalatable.)

Look, the consequences suck---they really do. As a BS, it really does feel terribly unfair that we have to shoulder ANY of these consequences. But if we want peace in our lives, we simply must do what we can to mitigate the damage---even if we're not responsible for any of it.

You invited this woman into your lives---but you can help evict her. You really can. You can reassure your wife that it will be well worth the miniscule inconvenience of changing her phone number--that every contact she has will simply copy and paste her new info into their smartphones---just as she would do if a friend or acquaintance changed his/her number.

If reasonable, relatively simple actions like changing phone numbers do not work, then an attorney can send a cease and desist letter.

Forward each text message your wife has received to email and print it twice---keep a set of copies in separate places so that if something happens to one set, you have the other. Thoroughly document the harassment so that you can get appropriate restraining orders.

But please. No more

nice NC letters, gruff NC letters
. YOU must maintain NC 100 percent. Each "NC" letter you send gives the OW exactly what she wants.

Help your wife find ways to keep OW out of her life. Make it as easy for her as possible.

This is the small stuff...but helping her with it really, truly helps build trust that you can help with the big stuff.

Good luck. It gets better.

Strydr posted 5/21/2013 21:09 PM

Thank you Aubrie...I agree whole hearted...

Solus, you are can block everything on AT&T except for iMessage... There is a way to totally block everything on a jail broke phone...but there is no jailbreak right now for iOS 6.1.4.

I did invite this wrong into our life. Ad I am facing and owning the are right about the vast majority of people can be texted the new's only doctors, etc...that is are right...and you are spot on the rest of your response... I greatly thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions...don't feel they fell on deaf ears...I will be taking these actions immediately.

Bless y'all

Strydr posted 5/22/2013 06:25 AM


Blocked everything on my phone and wife's.


Here is hoping its finally over and she finds peace

Thanks again for the advice

solus sto posted 5/22/2013 08:09 AM


It may take a little time, but NC really is the path to peace.

I wish that for the both of you.

needhelp123 posted 5/22/2013 08:27 AM

Just wanted to say that I like Aubrie's response. Simply stated and very true.

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