It's good that your husband is remorseful and from the way you describe it it sounds genuine. It goes a long way to helping us heal, though a majority of that healing must come from within. Hopefully he can keep at it for the long haul, and it is a long haul. If he's sincere, and you two do go down the path of reconciliation, it is a lifelong haul. But you may just be too early on to make that decision for yourself, and you shouldn't pressure yourself one way or the other.
At 5 months out, weeks after my wife found out she was pregnant and after some very lovely days together at a time when you'd think I'd go "wow, yeah, this will work - we can do this"... I looked at her and very bluntly said "I don't know if I want this" and explained how I didn't think I could do this. On that day I had zero belief in us lasting. She looked me in the eyes and said no matter what I choose, be it at that moment or years down the line, she wasn't giving up on me. She wasn't going to stop improving herself. Thus far she's kept to it, but it didn't change how I felt at the time. I'm now firmly entrenched into giving all to my relationship with my wife. Which yes, is important to longterm reconciling.
You're only 3 months out, go easy on yourself. I'm still guarded with my love for her (something I didn't quite realize until recently and now need to work on) and I'm 13 months out and our son was just born. I still know we have much more to work on and accomplish individually and together in the future. This is a lifelong process. No matter what guideline, timeline, zipline or dateline you follow this is a lifelong process.
You don't need to start the forgiveness "process." You'll feel it when you reach it. I forgave my wife in the most basic sense of being a fallible person I love who I didn't want harm to come to within days of D-Day. Forgiving her for hurting me came at around 5 months, and that was more me than her. She actually played little part in my desire to forgive. I told her I forgave her at 6 months, and she didn't think I should. Again though, it was for me, not her. All that said even, I still find myself forgiving things here and there that have happened, it's not a switch to flip, it's more of a gradual thing. Don't worry so much about having to forgive or getting there, you will when you do and you'll know it. Or you won't and you'll make your peace with that when it comes time.
For now you are still so early and still so vulnerable, devastated and likely still in shock. You may want to be married. You may not in the future. Right now stop worrying so much about that and focus on healing from the damage your husband has inflicted on you. That's the most important thing. In fact, stop worrying about how he feels. If he feels like shit and is remorseful, fine. He should. So long as he stays the course and keeps his focus on fixing his problems and helping you heal it's fine. A truly remorseful wayward spouse knows what they have to do and they do it, and you'll know it when you see it.
But no matter what you need to focus on your own healing. Find stability within yourself. It's hard, I know, we all know. At 3 months out I was just finishing with a few months long ragefest, which was scary for me considering I've spent years curtailing and changing my relationship with anger (though it was a great trial by fire to see just how much I personally changed). Feeling flat and dead is often the mind's way to give us a break from the trauma we've experienced (some around here call it the plane of lethal flatness). It's part of the process.
One more thing I can say is stop thinking of the future. Focus on the here and now. No more talk of kids, no more worrying about your anniversary. It takes your eye off of what is most important: you, right now. Focus on you, less on future possibilities or your spouse.
[This message edited by VD2012 at 12:27 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]
