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mamak posted 5/22/2013 08:04 AM

So here is my issue right now....

My WH has orders to move across the country (to a small tropical paradise....) and I have a job opportunity out here. As a new graduate nurse it is REALLY difficult to get a job lately and where his orders are.....practically impossible (I have called and checked!). Our option right now is for me to take this job and live separately for a while until I get the experience I need...that or he retires and gives up his military retirement (I can't have that hanging over my head....).

So I guess my question it even possible to R like this when apart? My WH had an EA with a former female military coworker of his so I have No trust whatsoever with female military members or him being around them....

I feel like I have to give up my dream at the moment in order to ensure that he stays faithful....

PeaceLove187 posted 5/22/2013 08:36 AM

Is it possible? Of course it is, but it's also a whole lot harder to reconcile while apart. It all depends on his level of commitment but then again it always depends on the WS's level of commitment, doesn't it?

In our situation we tried to R while my H was still working a job which required extensive travel and that was a failure. Real R didn't start until he redirected his career into a local 9-to-5, although we still had to work through his withdrawal from what he believes was an addiction to attention.

Has your H already worked through the addiction to the A? Are you willing to lose the marriage to follow your chosen career? In my opinion the military retirement is too valuable to give up, but I'm near retirement age so my view is more narrow than other's might be. Just on what you've told us here, I think I'd base my decision on which path YOU feel more comfortable with---giving the marriage another chance and following your H or giving your career a chance and staying where you are. If you look a year or two down the road, which makes you happier--seeing yourself as a successful nurse or seeing yourself with your H?

Remember there are always jobs that like to hire nurses even if they aren't technically nursing jobs. Your choices may not be as limited as you think. Of course, your choices in husbands may not be as limited as you think either! Lord, don't you wish you had a crystal ball and can look into the future and see if the WS really will stay committed?

mamak posted 5/22/2013 14:21 PM

I think my thing is that I had already put off my education and career to follow him cross country and he cheated. I was left in a position with no job and halfway through my education and I never want to be in that position again...

I really wish I did have that crystal ball. The sad thing....we have done this many many times in the past with no problems. We kept the communication up and I hadn't worried about cheating....we were one of those poster military couples the survived deployments and came out stronger....until OW decided that she wanted to relive her military days and reconnect with him.....*sigh*

Definitely have some thinking to do!

[This message edited by mamak at 2:23 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

Getting to Happy posted 5/22/2013 14:53 PM

This is tough!

On one hand, you have to be able to support yourself in case things go really south, weather he is with you or across the country.

And you don't want to give up his military retirement because that would be injurious to your entire family. Got it.

What to pick...your relationship and family or your ability to take care of you and family no matter what...

I would choose the long term goal of getting the nursing job experience and let him continue his military assignment.

That would be best for the children. You becoming a viable bread winner and him continuing to better himself for his family.

Sometimes sacrifices have to be made for the betterment of the family unit.

Some serious thought has to be had by the two of you as a the heads of the unit to band together and get this done without injuring your ability to R.

Time for him to grow up and lead his family out of this shitstorm and towards the light.

This may be a chance to bond over keeping the marriage viable and the love alive to wrap your children loving protection.

Or not.

Having this sort of conversation will force a reckoning of the breech he has created by being selfish.

Will he man up?

Let us know. We have your back either way.

BTW-Who will keep the kiddos if he moves and you stay to get your job training?

Exit Wounds posted 5/22/2013 14:59 PM

I would refuse to babysit him. But then again, I guess I got hurt one too many times...
I would do ME!

mysticpenguin posted 5/22/2013 15:01 PM

I so get this. My WH is also prior military.

I think I gather where he has orders to and I am insanely jealous! omg. We got sent to frozen-tundra bases haha.

I know you know this but as the wife of an active duty service member you do get preferential hiring at many places of employment, so that is a consideration. You could also volunteer for 3-6 months using your R.N. (like for the Red Cross, or administering vaccines; come to think of it county health departments usually preferentially hire military spouses!) and then applying directly to a *really* good employer like a private medical office (which is a much better work environment/schedule than a long term care facility or hospital).

Just some food for thought!

Dare2Trust posted 5/22/2013 19:51 PM


You've worked hard and you deserve this chance to make your career work for you and the future.
YOU can't control your WH and his choices...It's time for him to prove he's a responsible, honorable man! Let him do it!

SecondHelping posted 5/22/2013 20:10 PM

I recently retired for the military (before my fWWs A) and have found that if I had to chose over the miltary or my M, I would now chose my M. (I may not have said that before, but I do now).

It's pretty easy for former military to find jobs so I'd put it to your H to make the decision. He needs to put you first now and always from now on. He'll still get his retirment as long as he is over 20 and it's not enough to live on anyway. It only helps with the bills and I retired at 30 yrs)

You've sacrificed enough. It's his turn.

guarded posted 5/24/2013 06:10 AM

I would say go with him and your family. It will be easier for you, a nurse, to find a job anywhere. That is one of the few areas everyone is hiring for.

You can not R when you are apart and your kids are at an age that goes by too fast. Don't put that stress on your family.

With a nursing degree, you will be okay and able to find work even if things go South now. You are NOT as vulnerable as you were during the A. You are smarter, stronger, and have the degree now. If he cheats again, you walk. However, you are in the R position NOT going with him to police him, or as his mother, but TOGETHER, to be a family, as his wife.

hopefullromantic posted 5/24/2013 10:30 AM

From the perspective of a retired military spouse:

Even taking infidelity out of the picture, I would always advise following the military member if they have to move on for a matter of years rather than months. That's what you signed up for when you married him.

As a nurse, you have one of the few jobs that will rarely leave you jobless, as there is a huge demand for health care providers and it is only growing.

I don't know how long you have been married, or how close your H is to retirement but, unless the laws have changed, you can get up to half of his retirement pay, should you find it necessary to divorce down the road. Just something to keep in mind.

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