"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

cs2384 posted 5/22/2013 08:26 AM

We're a year and a half from D Day. I want to send a letter to her. To let her know how foolish I was and that I'm sorry. Not sure if this would help or not. I don't want to do it if it would cause more pain. Should I just let her be? Wanting feedback from other betrayed spouses.

Thinking I'll write it but not send it. I really feel terrible.

Tred posted 5/22/2013 08:37 AM

Thinking I'll write it but not send it.

That would probably be best. To be honest, I do not want to hear from my wife's AP - ever. I think it is a genuine sentiment from you, but NC is best for all involved. Just my opinion.

Chefj9 posted 5/22/2013 08:45 AM

Personally, I wanted an apology. When I finally got one, I felt better briefly, but then it opened up the door to contact and sent the OW off the rails again. Of course we're only a few months out from Dday and she's a bunny boiler. But the apology meant nothing the minute she started harrassing us again and is now contacting old co-workers.

I think I would write it and keep it to yourself.

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 5/22/2013 08:47 AM

I agree with Tred. Write it, but don't send it. I'm a little over a year and a half out and would never want to hear from my FWH's AP. She tried to apologize when it all happened, it was empty and hollow and I feel it still would be- regardless of the work she may or may not have done.

More importantly, I'm at a good place in MY healing and she is nothing to me. It took a long time to get there and I fear what hearing from her could do for my process.

7yrsflushed posted 5/22/2013 08:48 AM

BS here. Does she already know about the A and have you gone completely NC with the AP? If she already knows about the A, you have gone NC with AP, and she has not approached you for information then you should leave it alone. Everyone is different but the last thing I would want 1.5 years out is to receive contact from my WS's AP. Whatever you write likely won't be believed as she has no reason to believe that you have or ever will tell her the truth about anything. For all you know your contact could be seen as you trying to reach back out to rekindle something with her WH. I am sure others will chime in but once I got past the actively trying to hunt down and physically harm the AP/OP I moved to indifference and wanted nothing to do with him. He could die or win the lottery for all I cared as long as he stayed away. If he had a "come to Jesus" moment or something and sent me a letter it would be trashed immediately. I HAVE to deal with my STBX because of the kids but I could care less what her AP does and would ignore or trash anything he sent to me.

If you have been out of her life this long then you should stay out of it. Just my 2 cents.

ETA: I missed the "but not send it part". I agree write it out but don't send it.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:50 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

sportsfan posted 5/22/2013 08:49 AM

I agree with Tred, probably wouldn't be received as intended. It might even make things a little worse in that she may feel you're only trying to lift your own guilt. It might also push their R back a few steps. I think it is best to leave them alone.

Kelany posted 5/22/2013 08:57 AM

Are you trying to assuage your guilt? At the expense of reopening the wound for her and setting her back to day one? Nothing you say will ever make her feel better. It won't lessen her pain. Don't do it just so you can feel better. Sorry for the harshness, but if I were to receive an apology this late I would go crazy wondering why now?

cs2384 posted 5/22/2013 09:00 AM

Thanks for the advice. I'll let her be. I'm not sure what she knows. The AP is a terrible liar(duh) and denied everything after d-day(I told my husband and he contacted the OP BS). After that we went on lockdown so i have no idea how much she really knows. I was going to offer her any info she wanted. But I guess that's between them now. Would it assuage my guilt? Probably a little. But that's not why I would do it. Her feelings are ultimately more important than mine in this situation and I'll trust you guys that she's better off left alone.

JanaGreen posted 5/22/2013 09:06 AM

Personally I would have wanted an apology, but I think that's just me.

wifehad5 posted 5/22/2013 09:15 AM

How well did you know them before this all happened? Were they family friends? Acquaintances? Complete strangers?

cs2384 posted 5/22/2013 09:19 AM

I have never met her. The AP and I were on a business trip/class from different organizations. He was there with his almost adult son. I'm so disgusted with myself.

Really, I'm considering it because I think if it were me I would want to know everything. And if my spouse didnt offer that info I'd like the next best source....but maybe he came clean and told her. I hope so for her sake.

needhelp123 posted 5/22/2013 09:28 AM

WS here. I actually spoke with my AP's BS on multiple occasions and also answered email questions for him. It wasn't a guilt thing for me. I did it because it was the right thing to do. I stopped at actually meeting with him face to face. I did this within weeks of discovery. I can see, however, that the further away you are from DD the harder it may be for the AP's BS? For example, are they reconciling? This shouldn't be about making you feel less guilty. What's your exact reason for wanting to do this?

cs2384 posted 5/22/2013 09:34 AM

The only reason I would ever send a letter would be to help her. And there is no way of knowing that for sure. That's why I asked here, to see what other BS think. And I REALLY don't want that guy back in my life at all and he may just lie more and I worry he would take it as an invitation to harass my family so Im thinking I'll just let it go.

Kelany posted 5/22/2013 09:55 AM

I'm speaking as a bs who spoke to 3 out of 4 of my fws AP's.

One denied. It was a lta of 2+ years.

One apologized 5 years after the fact when I confronted but blame shifted and lied.

One I talked to 2 months after dd and she did apologize with no blame shifting. It still set me back and caused more questions and hurt for me.

One I can't find, and I won't.

So I've been through all the situations. Just leave it be.

losingmyground posted 5/22/2013 10:41 AM

I personally would want the apology, but I would also like her to own up to ever little detail. I did ask her what all they did, but she answered with "What did he tell you?".

A real apology is something I never got from her.

tryingmybest2011 posted 5/22/2013 10:48 AM

I think writing the letter and not sending it is a great idea. I appreciate that you feel badly for her.

I would under no circumstances initiate contact with the BS, though. If she wants closure/help/answers/apologies, she'll seek you out for that.

thecaves posted 5/22/2013 12:46 PM

There is a wide range of responses to this question which just validates my opinion.

I personally want to apologize to the AP's BS in my case but it's not up to me is it? I also don't want to break NC and cause him any additional stress. We were friends before however I really can't call myself that now. Since we still live in the same neighborhood I have said to myself if he were to come up to me at some point wanting to talk, then I would give him that apology. But, since I don't know if he wants an apology I won't force one upon him; I'll just let him get whatever peace he can.

[This message edited by thecaves at 12:48 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

finallyfree2011 posted 5/22/2013 12:51 PM

I wrote an apology letter to my AP's sister who I was good friends with.

I really put my heart into it and apparently she mocked me and shared it with many other people and they all got a good laugh out of it.

So I am with the write it but don't sent it group

heartbroken2012 posted 5/22/2013 14:10 PM

Dont send it.

In my situation, I never ever want to hear from that [insert really horrible words} woman ever as long as she lives. I dont want to see her, I cant stand the sight of her, and when I do see her it triggers me and makes me feel like total crap again. Its best just left alone.

Nothing you will say to her will make it any better.

rivenheart posted 5/22/2013 14:27 PM

Personally, I wanted an apology. A real one. I never got it, and I don't know how it would make me feel this far out from d-day.

I realize I was in the minority among BSs in wanting one, but I'm definitely not the only one who felt or feels that way. The problem is that there's no way to tell whether the BS in this case is one who would want a sincere apology, or not. Whether it would help her, or not. I think it would have helped me to have the wrong done to me and my marriage acknowledged and to have a real apology. So you're in a position where you *might* do the BS some real good, by apologizing. Or you *might* do her some real harm with the same action.

I think, unfortunately the consensus opinion here is correct. Your first principle should be to do no further harm. So write it up, post it here if you want to, discuss it with your counselor, burn it, or whatever. But it's probably best not to send it.