"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Bellecatprincess posted 5/22/2013 08:48 AM

I posted yesterday that our MC Pastor told us that he doesn't think that we should be in R. This made my WH panic and he suggested a road trip for the two of us and after the wonderful advice of everyone here on SI. I have agreed to go.

HELP ME!!!

Can you give me some advice on how to communicate better. We are in MC & both in IC but I need something to try this weekend.

We both need to be right. We both over talk one another. We both get frustrated and upset immediately. How do you take the first step to breaking those bad habits? Are there steps, techniques? LOL a step by step guide might be what we need.

AFrayedKnot posted 5/22/2013 09:13 AM

A great book on communication is "The Marriage you have always dreamed of" by Dr Greg Smalley. There are exercises in each chapter. It was very eye opening for us.

Another eye opening book was "5 love languages". It focuses on how to communicate love to each other that can be received.

Communication is the key to everything!!!

tired girl posted 5/22/2013 09:18 AM

When your H says something to you, stop. Listen. And repeat back to him what you think he said. This will help you to learn to listen to what he is really saying instead of formulating a response to what he is saying. And if you mis interpreted what he said, he can let you know.

He needs to do the same with you.

This will slow down your communication and teach you guys to really listen to what is being said.

jost1125 posted 5/22/2013 11:07 AM

Exactly what tired girl said, and when you speak, he should do the same. I explained this "active listening" technique to my WBF before we started a conversation. We did it and it worked pretty well. If you are like us, you may find that a lot of the times the arguments and raised voices come from misunderstanding what the other just said. By listening and then rephrasing, you can clarify anything that was misunderstood.

Also, use "I" statements. Such as I feel _______ when you_________. Instead of well, you always ________. When you start by saying that you feel something, it sounds less like you are blaming your H and he will be less likely to get defensive. This has also seemed to work for us.

Good luck and have a great weekend!

GraceisGood posted 5/22/2013 11:40 AM

What Tiredgirl said !! seriously!!

It seems so easy, and it can be but does take practice. Don't let the tediousness of repeating etc. get to you, it is amazing sometimes how one sentence has to be gone over countless times before what they were trying to communicate is fully understood or vice versa.

Grace

LA44 posted 5/22/2013 13:23 PM

Great advice from tiredgirl. Also, taking the 5lovelanguages quiz online is so very interesting and you can both go thru a chapter/book each day on your getaway. Not only do you want to communicate more effectively, you will also want to speak to each other in the language your loved one "hears" or responds too

Happy trails!

ladies_first posted 5/22/2013 19:11 PM

In Imago Relationship Therapy, Dr. Hendrix says there are three steps couples can practice to help them communicate effectively and heal both past and present wounds:

Mirroring: First, couples learn how to listen and mirror back exactly what they hear rather than an interpretation or reaction to what they've heard. They should use expressions such as "I have something to say..." and "Let me see if I've got that..."
Validating: Once both partners have clearly spoken and been listened to, they can then validate each other without necessarily agreeing. They should use statements such as "That makes sense because..."
Empathizing: At this point in the process, both partners can identify with the other partner's expressed thought process and feelings, Dr. Hendrix says. To convey this new-found understanding, he says they should use language to the effect of "I can imagine what you're feeling..."

ETA: From your recent post:

we have not had sex since May 27th of last year.

Discuss sexual expectations before leaving on your trip; if one of you is expecting sex and the other is not, it's gonna add resentment to the weekend.

[This message edited by ladies_first at 7:16 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]