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TheAgonyOfIt posted 5/22/2013 12:31 PM

Hi. I wish I could post this in I Can Relate but it appears i'm not allowed to start a thread there? not sure how that works yet.

anyway, wondering if any of you can relate and might share your positive and/or negative experiences.

My WS and i were basically estranged but he was living in my basement, but we were sort of friends and still attached, but over, but getting closer again last 6 months with some sex... yes, an unusual situation. When Dday happened I fell apart completely and nearly violently because i then understood what led to his behavior that led to our breakup, and i was absolutely incensed about betrayal post-breakup as well as he had been living in my house for FREE and was "my friend."
I felt used, abused, etc etc etc.

Okay I know it's not like the usual story. So probably no one can relate! Lol. BUT i'm sure someone can because after Dday1/2 and the first explosions, we started sleeping together, talking, me talking, him avoiding, then him not avoiding, the usual dance...and over the last few weeks the man that i had known has reappeared. He had disappeared during the A and I had no idea where he had gone, but i was unable to reach him and so I gave up after a while and we broke up.

This all no doubt involves very complicated individual and couple psychologies that will likely take years to figure out! If that's even possible! BUT for now, his wall has come down, i feel connected to him again in a way i've not felt for years, he's soft and sweet and caring and responsive. He's sorry but not remorseful enough (yet?) (still a bit in a fog?), or maybe he's a sociopath! I'm so confused.

I am on an insanely well designed rollercoaster. The differences in my feelings from day to day are frightening!! Feeling entirely opposite emotions. The anger/pain etc makes sense to me, and so does the feelings of closeness even though it's kinda illogical that i'd jump into his arms after having been broken up AFTER learning about a terrible betrayal.

I know i need my head examined! Seriously, who else has felt renewed closeness with a WS just AFTER the Dday? and Was that good or bad ultimately. For me, it's comforting but I fear it's just unhealthy and that I should run, run, run. And then i think I should rebuild. And on and on it goes.

Hmmmm, i should probably post this on Divorcing pages too to get other perspective! (hope that's allowed.)

[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 7:24 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

libertyrocks posted 5/22/2013 16:26 PM

I did! After Dday #2, we became closer than ever!! Then Dday #3, 3 months later, sex/closeness fizzeled, we S for a few days, and bam, back to HB, which is where we've been for mostly the entire 6 months of postA.

I still feel the same way, insanely bipolar. I have a love/hate relationship in my heart and head with him still.

We are closer and stronger than ever. I don't understand it. Someone said it best somewhere. Brain saying D, heart saying R. SO TRUE! For me, at least.

sisoon posted 5/22/2013 17:52 PM

I felt closer, for 2 reasons. First, I felt great sympathy for my W - she betrayed herself before she betrayed me (note: this was specific to our sitch; from what I read here, not many WSes deserve sympathy on D-Day).

Second, I had to get closer to reclaim my ... wife? relationship? self-respect???? Sex just after D-Day was not totally loving....

HeartInADustpan posted 5/22/2013 18:48 PM

I did. Initially it was the physical closeness. Sex like rabbits comes to mind. As sisoon mentioned, it wasn't loving imo.

Shortly after that HB period, I completely shut down sexually and I'm still kinda there now. BUT, the emotional intimacy has returned. We communicate more effectively and I feel much closer to him than ever on a cognitive/emotional level.

TheAgonyOfIt posted 5/27/2013 18:22 PM

soooo how long does HB sex last after DDay. I think ours is winding down big time.

AFrayedKnot posted 5/27/2013 18:45 PM

For years we had been living as roommates co-parenting or children.
She was in a constant cycle of guilt shame and fear from previous A's. I was in a constant cycle of anger resentment and fear about the her I once knew disappearing.
Once the A's came out it made sense. It didn't make it any easier just understandable.
We were both freed from our prisons in a very painful way.
We realized pretty soon in that we couldn't f__k our problems away.
We have both done tons of work on ourselves and our relationship.
R is a long road if that is the direction you choose.

[This message edited by Chicho at 6:46 PM, May 27th (Monday)]

AFrayedKnot posted 5/27/2013 19:12 PM

I just read your other post. there are a few posts in JFO you might want to check out. I bumped a couple of them. They all have the bulls eyes.

Tactical primer

Before you say reconcile

Boundaries

Great post for newbies

Also check out the healing g library in the upper left corner.

atsenaotie posted 5/28/2013 11:29 AM

and over the last few weeks the man that i had known has reappeared.

I worry that this is the man who wants free housing from you, not the man who is intimately attahced to you emotionally and wants a life with you.

As I mentioned in your other post, I would make his being moved out a starting point for any effort to reconnect. I would also be sure the OW BS knows of the A. Do not tell your WSO that you are telling, just notify the OW BS.

Seriously, who else has felt renewed closeness with a WS just AFTER the Dday?

Many of us do, I had to figure out what was wrong with me for wanting to be with W who had betrayed and treated me so poorly. Be sure he wants you and not just the basement.

Angelstar5 posted 5/28/2013 12:19 PM

HB....it's a love hate thing in and of itself. I always felt like I was praising him for cheating! Ohhhh you cheated...ok...here's lots sex as your reward....

It's normal, irritating, and wonderful all at the same time.

It doesn't last. Ours...about 6-7 months.. Now on top of it all...he thinks its messed up that I don't want sex more than about 2 times per week. He'll I work till midnight 4 days a week....I'm tired. It pisses him off ...

For a few months after we just enjoyed each others company...but lately I'm back in..." I'm not sure I even like him" mode.....

I guess the rollercoaster isn't over yet..

[This message edited by Angelstar5 at 12:22 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)]