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Taking a break...

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needhelp123 posted 5/22/2013 13:10 PM

Maybe I'm wrong but it seems that in a lot of different forums lately there are "stories" that are quite discouraging. I like to come out to this site to learn, get support, and every once in awhile offer support.

I work on myself daily. I know many of us are. I see changes. I'd like to believe that I've let go of the outcome. Of course that's easier said then done and I'm the first to admit that I'm very sensitive to this. Am I influenced by the stories? I don't know. It doesn't change my path. Does it influence my day? I think it does. Positive stories are uplifting. Negative stories not so much.

So here's my question: has anyone taken a break from SI in order to help themselves? I feel like if I try this that I wouldn't be giving 100% to supporting my BS or myself. Thoughts?

Unagie posted 5/22/2013 13:20 PM

I've taken breaks. My longest was about a month or so. Sometimes you need to just focus on you and your M. SI will be here when you are ready to come back and share.

WWMEH13 posted 5/22/2013 13:22 PM

nh123 - I did. I found that it just kept my mind in the A. Reading about it, seeing about it, constantly kept my AP on my mind, and that wasn't constructive. When my H and I first separated, it was a huge life line and an instructional guide for me on what I need to work on, but as I move through IC, and get further distance on the A, I found that coming here, outside of a question for the experts here and there, that it just kept me mired in the A. Not sure that makes any sense?

You can continue to read books, and see your IC, and work on yourself outside of SI, and that is giving 100% to your wife.

Just my thoughts. Best to you.

20WrongsVs1 posted 5/22/2013 13:23 PM

How are you feeling today? You kinda posted a similar thought last week, about being disappointed with the negativity on SI.

I could really go for a positive R story, NH123, if you have any to share.

Unagie posted 5/22/2013 13:35 PM

Go to R forum and read the positive R stories thread. Its a positive wonderful thread.

Aubrie posted 5/22/2013 13:41 PM

You want a positive story? Here's a whole thread about them.

Want another positive story? I had 4 EAs, capped off with emotional and financial abuse. No prize, let me tell ya. Dday was November 4, 2011. As of today May 22, 2013, my husband and I are healing. He actually considers us R'd. Has for several months.

I still have kinks to work out. Takes longer than a year or two to straighten out a lifetime of crap. We communicate, we are loving, we both work on this marriage daily. When people cross our boundaries, we put a block wall around us. When we feel something is "off", we talk to one another. Our home is thriving, our children are happy, our love has grown stronger and matured.

Doesn't mean bad days don't come. We simply handle them better and in a more healthy way. R doesn't mean daisies and sunshine forever. That's unrealistic. Bad days are going to happen. People are going to test our boundaries. R means working together, as a team, communicating, and facing the up and down times as a united front.

If you need a break, you need a break. SI isn't the cure-all. (As much as I love this place) Sometimes you need time and distance to focus on healing. SI can be distracting to that because you are reading other people's traumas and heartache. Need a break? Take one. SI will be here when you come back.

needhelp123 posted 5/22/2013 14:25 PM

Yes I posted something similar last week. It was more along the lines of being judged I guess more than anything else. I do read positive reconciliation stories and of course that helps.

@20Wrongs - I don't know that I have anything positive to report. We do gave good days but that is my interpretation. She is very hurt. Many describe it as soul crushing and it is. I keep telling myself to work on myself and I do. We had a good day but a bad night. To be expected I know.

I wouldn't say reading here keeps me in the affair. It does keep it front and center. Is that a bad thing? I've done a lot of reading and I'm currently reading The Power of Now which really helps me think about what's important.

I think a break might do some good. We'll see.

needhelp123 posted 5/22/2013 14:56 PM

Thanks Aubrie. You always seem to be able to hit the nail on the head. Always to the point. In glad things are going well for you.

Listeningclosely posted 5/22/2013 15:52 PM

If you want to truly heal, you need to get solid at complete self-awareness. This means examining actions from a wide variety of angles and perspectives. SI is one lens among many (including our BS, counselors, families, co-workers, etc.).

The real danger for us is that it's real easy for us to place the weight of other's deceptions on ourselves because we've had similar actions. So every time you read a story about someone else to TT'd, or who advanced from EA to PA, you start apply their actions to your own guilt. When this happens, you get crushed under the weight of the collective SI wrongs committed by WS's.

If that's where you're at, you can do a few things. One is certainly to step away. Another is to set personal limits on what content you will read. Only in the Wayward Forum. Only with stop signs. Only threads you started yourself. There's plenty of ways to go at it.

I've been away as an active participant here for literally years. We've done a ton of healing and I can tell you that R is real and can be wonderful. But that doesn't mean that I don't check in here periodically to make sure I have an accurate lens. It still serves as a solid place to make sure I'm assessing myself honestly, and making sure the real reasons for my actions are dealt with.

HeartInADustpan posted 5/22/2013 17:55 PM

I have for a week or so a couple times. I'm still fairly new and there are places I can barely venture (JFO for instance) without freaking out.

I've taken it as pick up what you can, or as much as you can take, then process that information. Rome wasn't built in a day and no marriage can be fixed or ended in a day.

Careful consideration must be given to all options and from all angles to make the most informed decision. That requires "you" time. No one can decide that for you.

Hang in there.

[This message edited by HeartInADustpan at 5:56 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

hardlessons posted 5/22/2013 18:59 PM

Need, as a wayward needing to hear happy happy joy joy stories is a way for us to feed our need for external validation. If you read those stories not as "Awe shit another one bites the dust" but as a cautionary tale then you would get something out of it. Those threads were there is weeping and gnashing of teeth is where I have learned the most.

Focus on you and your story that you are making right now.

needhelp123 posted 5/22/2013 20:19 PM

HL- I'm not suggesting I only need to hear happy stories. That's not it at all. I'm definitely working on NOT needing external validation and not concerning myself with how others view me - with the exception perhaps of the people that actually know me. And even then I'm still going to be who I am. That's quite a departure from who I have been.

Listening - I agree about self-awareness and that is exactly where I am today. I've made a lot of progress on this front and maybe because of that I feel that it is time to step back and focus more on myself and what I've learned.

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