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Wow! Due to the business of being a busy single working mom and the fact that XHNPD has been behaving fairly well (for him), I haven't really been on SI much this year. It has been nice to live a somewhat normal life, for a change. Well, X is back to his old mind games, so I’m back seeking advice.

Let me explain. During and after D in 2011, X harassed me night and day about anything and everything. The mind games were a nightmare and made my life hell. He even told DD6 I didn't want to spend time with her. I begged him to stop and threatened calling the police, but he thought he was above the law. After pressing charges twice for harassment, I finally got a judge that scared X enough that he left me alone.

Then last week, X sent me an email asking if I would help pay for music lessons for DD8. I told him that since I had not asked for a dime to help with DD's dance lessons or any other extracurricular activities, for two years, that no, I would not be helping. Well, that started a big mess. He made out like I was trying to ruin him financially, that no one was helping him out. Things snowballed. He started bringing up issues from our marriage and how I was always hiding behind the law by "getting him into trouble" everytime something didn't go the way I wanted it. He wants to know why we can't just be "normal" and communicate the way other X's do. I'm getting lots of long emails again, just like before.

If any of you remember my posts from way back, you will remember how crazy my X is. I have been counseled by the SI veterans NOT TO ENGAGE, so I haven't (except for last week--lesson learned), unless it has been about DD or finances, and in those cases it was kept to a bare minimum. Engaging with him is useless. It never ends with him.

X sent me a message last night begging me to answer his question about why I won’t communicate with him. Then this morning he sent this message. (Notice the "Christian" part. Just know that he is not a Christian but likes to throw Christian messages in my face because I am.):

I'm going to talk to a counselor (from a Christian organization) I know and see if we can go in separately and talk to her about this refusal to communicate and the need to get me into trouble every time I say or do something you don't like. It won't cost you anything and she will be flexible on when you see her. You don't have to go if you don't want to. But, if you refuse, the next time you decide to get me into trouble, I will bring her to court as a witness and she will say "[XH] contacted me about this and asked me to sit down with both parties and see if I could help resolve the problems these 2 seem to have in a sensible way, and she wouldn't even take part." I hope you will participate. This campaign of personal destruction... this mentality of dealing with perceived problems by getting me into trouble instead of communicating like an adult HAS to stop. And I'm taking steps to make that happen.

I’m not sure how to handle this.

Honestly...ignore.

I think its just a changeup of tactics to draw you back in.

ETA:

The fact that he is still blameshifting and not taking responsibility for his actions (per the emails and messages he sent this last week or so) you already KNOW his mindset hasnt changed. He's just trying to get a "neutral" party on his side to help beat you up.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 1:38 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

I would go ahead and tell them all about his history of harrassment and emotional abuse. My guess is this organization would not appreciate being used as a fun new way to continue to harrass and abuse you.

I don't see a question, no reason to answer.

He can do all he wants, he needs to ASK you to participate with this counselor. If he doesn't ASK then you don't have to do.

If he wants to command you to go... well he isn't a King and you are not his subject right?

I don't answer my XHNPD unless there is a question or I need something clarified regarding the kids. Mine is still angry at me for everything he can think of. I don't need that anger in my life, he is the one that keeps hanging onto it.

Your X sounds like my X... only we do not engage.

with your latest email.. I see no reason to engage, he didn't ask a question... no need to answer.

Hugs,

K

Kajem, LOL. Normally, we do not engage either. I just screwed up that one time last week...and you see where that got me. I don't know that I have said one word to him in person since the D in 2011. I don't say HI during DD exchanges. I don't even LOOK at him. That is one of the things he's pissed about right now. I guess he thinks we should do small talk. He's got the wrong relationship.

I don't know what others think, and I'm no counselor, but this sounds just like things Perv has done, who is NPD. Very NPD. In such a case I've found I cannot win, but search for the calmest and shortest reaction.

This is ultimatum, in my opinion and perhaps he's even having a try at blackmail. It is said and I agree that NC with an NPD person may drive them zaney and it sounds kind of like your WH is getting there. So he's got to amp up his "ducks" to try to get some movement out of you.

What I say is kudos, in a strange way, for sticking to your guns with the NC...it's not easy, is it?

STBXH/Perv orders and commands like that but will not accept anything resembling it in return...and it's as simple as accepting an invite for DD - if he is not asked, even on "my weekend", he is livid.

I think it's the control of your WH slipping out of his hands, too, another thing that drive NPD people zaney.

If it were me, and here I am, I would tread as lightly as you can. I have both IC and L who are extremely supportive of me and now I do not answer Perv without consulting one of them. If I can esp. use L as backup, it gets him to back off. I don't do it in a threatening way, I say things like, "I don't know, I will ask."

You stuck to your guns also and said you wouldn't help him pay for something and so he's probably rather angry about that-and angry in general-so no spendng time thinking of ways to bother you and yes, if he can find a third party to convince, all the better for him.

Do you have a third party for you, as well? I am worried about what he will fill this "counselor's" ears with about you that could be not true or made bigger to make you look bad.

It's funny for me as a person who has had many church/religious jobs. I question religion esp. nowadays, but in reality for me, the term "Christian" simply means "boundaries". Christian people aren't immune to wrong-doings and I could write a book about several religious jobs I've held that people were scheistered at.

I think of that word as a label and if he isn't Christian, he may not have a good understanding of it's meaning, but I don't want to judge anyone or offend anyone, either. This is just what I've experienced and been hurt by, as well as some relatives.

For me it's kind of like learning a doctor was wrong, or these priests in the news-it's just people.

Crickets to your X, and just send a copy of his message to the 'christian' counseling facility, explaining that you've been to court over his behavior and he has been admonished to leave you alone. Therefore, in the event that he comes to you, do not set up any appointments for me, as I will not be attending.

You made an error in judgment; now you know.

Yup, do what Sad said. The Dooosh also tried to "bully" me into councelling together. I was having none of that. I don't need some inexperienced therapist telling me how to parent my children with the monster I have known/lived with for almost as long as she's been alive.

No thanks!

Yup. Crickets to him.

And I like Sad's suggestion to send a letter to the counseling office. I'd probably also include copies of any restraining orders or official letters of admonishment or court orders to cease and desist.

The Dooosh also tried to "bully" me into councelling together. I was having none of that. I don't need some inexperienced therapist telling me how to parent my children with the monster I have known/lived with for almost as long as she's been alive.

^^^This. exactly. You only stand to lose ground by having a third party - that he has hired - intrude into your business. You already know that NC works just fine for you.

WOW!! Were we married to the same man? When they don't get their way they are: wha! wha! wah! babies.

I like the idea of sending the email to the place!

IF you have to respond you could say,

It will be interesting to see how that works out for you.

I've been wondering about you SKB. Glad you are ok.

instead of communicating like an adult

I've heard this same comment from xwh to me many times. Creepy similar.