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Pass posted 5/22/2013 15:21 PM

I was texting with our oldest son (12) yesterday, and then went to my weekly jam session. I missed a text from him while jamming. By the time the session was over, it was way past his bedtime. I know that he keeps his phone on all night, so I didn't text back, for fear of waking him.

Before I was married I used to have severe insomnia, but it seemed to get better once I was married and had a more routine life. Now it's happening again. So I got home last night, and didn't sleep until about 3am.

I slept through my alarm and woke up around 11am. Since I'm self-employed, this isn't a big deal - or so I thought!

I had a text from STBXWW wondering if I was okay, so I texted her to let her know I had just slept in. I immediately got a tearful phone call from her, saying that she and our son were scared to death that I had committed suicide (I had tried in Jan/2012, but not since).

Of course, I apologized profusely, and explained myself. She sent me a text a few minutes ago saying that I needed to come up with a regular contact plan with our son, so that he wouldn't worry. I told her that I would text him every evening around his bed time to say Good Night. Since my bed and waking times are so inconsistent, that's really the most maintainable plan I can give at this point.

Her response: "It would help if you kept more regular hours". Fuck! There's a news flash for you. I responded that my insomnia, coupled with my major depression and ADHD made that difficult, and I just can't promise it at this point.

Her response: "Then your kid will probably be scared again."

I explained about my renewed insomnia, and that my sudden change in living situation made that difficult, and that this is not a choice I have made. Then I said I would discuss it with our son, and I would appreciate her understanding.

Her response: "Very good."

I can almost hear her standard, cold "Very good." That's as strong as acceptance gets from her, but it usually means that she doesn't consider it good at all.

She had the nerve a few weeks ago to tell me that I've always underestimated her "suffering". This is from the woman who thinks I should just get over her infidelity, and believe everything she tells me.

Fuck her!

Nature_Girl posted 5/22/2013 16:29 PM

To me this sounded like she was trying to control you, not so much concern about your son's well-being. I think a heartfelt conversation with your son is in order, perhaps openly acknowledging your suicide attempt and reasons why you will not ever consider that an option in the future. Your STBX does not need to be involved.

tesla posted 5/22/2013 19:17 PM

Sheesh, she does sound a bit controlling and meddling. I mean, I get the initial text...but after you said you would text him "Good Night" which makes perfect sense for DS's needs she should have stopped there. That said, you certainly don't owe her an explanation beyond that. Keep it between you and DS.
Fuck that chick.

Pass posted 5/22/2013 20:42 PM

I got drunk and called her best friend tonight. Her friend texted her to say I was making her uncomfortable.

STBXWW texted me to tell me to get off the phone with her.

I'm drunk and sad and lonely, and I don't know what to do. I have nobody and am very sad. Don't know what to do so I'm just lying on my couch sobbing.

Nature_Girl posted 5/22/2013 21:03 PM

Write it out. Type it out. Video it out.

JUST DON'T SEND IT TO ANYONE!

Find a counselor and book an appt ASAP, my brother. Your STBXWW is not your friend. Her friends are not your friends. Maybe you're finding yourself in the same position I was in, isolated & alone, no one to confide in & help me walk through the hellfire. That's why I needed my counselor, that's why I reached out to people IRL who were "safe".

Think about not drinking for a while. It doesn't sound like it's good for you.

Kajem posted 5/22/2013 21:10 PM

Pass put it here.... SI is open 24/7 and the people are great.

Hugs,

K

remember we are here for you...

tesla posted 5/22/2013 21:11 PM

((((pass))))
drinking was a big no-no for me for several months after D-day. I still refuse to over indulge because I get very, very sad and think very bad things.

You may be lonely but I promise you that you are not alone. You will work through the sadness and lonliness and come out on the other side so much better than you could ever imagine. I hope you have a counselor to work with. That was the one place I felt completely safe and free to unburden all my pain.

Post here as much as you need.

Pass posted 5/22/2013 21:16 PM

Thanks y'all. Very sad, but definitely NOT considering suicide again. I made a promise to my little boys, so I have to live this shit out.

You're right. I should not be drinking!

My weekly appointment with my psychiatrist is tomorrow. Sometimes I feel like I don't have enough to talk about with him, but tomorrow should be no problem, eh?

Going to go for a walk to clear my head.

Kajem posted 5/22/2013 21:34 PM

Pass,

go look at that poster your cool kids made you... that will make you smile. Hell it makes me smile.

Enjoy your walk.. I hope the moon and stars are out where you are. here they are hidden by clouds that are promising much needed rain.

Hugs,

K

Pass posted 5/22/2013 22:01 PM

Back from my walk, and feeling much better. Thanks to everyone for the support.

Sorry to have threadjacked my own thread!

dmari posted 5/22/2013 22:15 PM

You my friend ... get a big hug because you chose a healthy coping and self care skill ... going for a walk!! Yay!!

It is hard ... we know ... we all feel your pain. Another healthy coping tool is coming here. Keep posting!!

ButterflyGirl posted 5/22/2013 22:27 PM

You did totally threadjack your own thread.

Glad you are feeling better. Hugs..

Pass posted 5/24/2013 08:31 AM

drinking was a big no-no for me for several months after D-day. I still refuse to over indulge because I get very, very sad and think very bad things

A good idea, tesla.

STBXWW snitched on me to my shrink. To her credit, she does still seem concerned about my health.

My shrink said that he would increase my anti-depressants if I will stop drinking for a while. I will, so he did.

Maybe the combination of the two will help my depression. If it does, it will be totally worth it. If it doesn't, I know where to find the liquor store.