quite often the question is posed back after a post, "what are you doing to change yourself" or similar, and what are you doing to show bs (insert whatever you want here)
its been 20 months since dday, and ive done a lot of introspection. prior to dday,i was selfish. sounds simple and almost like a cop out, but in reality that simple phrase sums it up. selfish in that i put myself first in everything, what i did, and how i did it. my w sent me an email almost a year ago outlining that very same sentiment, even adding she regretted marrying me. quite a tough pill to swallow, but it was all infact the truth.
so now who am i? i no longer am first in anything i say or do. my w and my children are first. every morning i wake up a half hour earlier than i used to for work so i can go get me and my wife a coffee. she is asleep but comes down to a coffee every morning, with a note saying simply i love you, or i add more occasionally. i also get her breakfast. flowers are common now. there is more thought into the gifts i buy, as i want them to mean something or be from the heart. i make sure to do the little things mentioned over the years without being asked, simple things but things to make w feel appreciated. i am more affectionate (when she isnt triggering, then she requests her space). i will definitely say i am a better partner than before. again, simple gestures but ones that go a long way. i am open with my phone, email, and no longer am on any social media. she has passwords to everything. i check in whether she asks or not. i am doing everything i can to make sure that first and foremost i am a better person for me, and in kind one she can love and appreciate. but also everything i can to make her feel safe again.
all this, inspite of my own issues with her multiple a's. because the biggest thing ive learned about myself is that i am able to love unconditionally. i dont hold my wifes past against her. not even the recent past. i know perhaps that sounds silly. but its true.
my wife still has a hard time with my a, and i get that. i just hope the light a the end of the tunnel is there, and that i just cannot see it yet. where we are reconciled and hopefully better than ever. i know there is still times she will trigger and be distant. i accept that and would never rush her healing.
i just want the day to arrive when she no longer sees me as the past. but as the person i am today. because i can honestly say for the first time in a long time i like who i am.
no matter the outcome of this insane ride, i will walk away with that.
"I am not what happened to me. I am what i choose to become." Carl Jung
