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Why Do I Want to Fix Her?

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IGaveItMyAll posted 5/22/2013 16:53 PM

This is something I see myself doing. I want to help her find happiness. Why do I do that? Isn't it up to her to search for this?

I told her the other day something is really missing for me. Its intimacy. I have posted on this a few times. Its being desired, It's her sharing her heart and soul with me, being vulnerable, being sexual, overall feeling happy and loving everyday. She chalked it up to me neglecting her in our marriage, her having to trust me again to not hurt her. She went to IC and the therapist told her she brought those feeling into our marriage prior to even meeting me. She got hit by a 2x4 last night. Now she is starting to get on board with really working on her childhood issues (We will see). I feel she has been going through the motions but not digging deep. Now I feel I need to help work on herself. She told me and the therapist told me I need to be patient. This process takes a while. She needs to find it in herself. I guess I want a healthy relationship ASAP. I want to feel loved and desired. But I can't expect that if she doesn't love and desire herself. Damn you time!!! Sometimes I wonder how long I can withstand this. We have come along way quickly. I am doing pretty good with the A. These are now all the issues of our marriage this is why I detached previously and this is why she always felt neglected. These are the REAL things that led to her A and being broken...

libertyrocks posted 5/22/2013 16:56 PM

Because we all want solutions to the problems so we won't get hurt again.

I feel the same! I want my FWH to help himself, but I can only lead him to water and can't make him drink. They have to do it for themselves.

I hate time, too. It's my enemy, I just want to get all of this over with already! Ok, maybe I wasn't the right one to answer, but that's how I feel.

IGaveItMyAll posted 5/22/2013 17:02 PM

((Libertyrocks)) lol ok I am not alone in feeling this. Its so frustrating isn't it? I started detaching and 180'ing a bit and she was like what the hell is going on. I don't think thats the answer. I work on myself on the daily. Tonight I am taking the kids out to give her time to journal and sort through her stuff. Lets see if she does. But if she doesn't do the work I feel like I probably won't stay. Should I give myself a time frame?

DixieD posted 5/22/2013 17:25 PM

IGIMA, from what you've written about your wife in the past, it sounds like she has expected for a while (possibly a long time) that you will fix her and figure things out for her. The more you do that, the more she will expect it. Even more dangerous, it removes responsibility from her to do it herself. It keeps her in a lesser or victim role.

I'm not going to say this is all your wife's doing at this point. It takes two people for a dynamic like this to play out this way. This was likely also something that you brought into your marriage. You recognize it now and you will have to work on that while your wife is working on her stuff. Have you heard about Codependent No More? It's a great book.

Its being desired, It's her sharing her heart and soul with me, being vulnerable, being sexual, overall feeling happy and loving everyday.

I can understand most of that, except the last part. It's unrealistic to think that your wife can feel overall happy and loving everyday. It may even be unrealistic for your wife, whatever her baggage is, to be as vulnerable with you as you want or expect her to be. The therapist is correct, people can't change overnight.

How long you wait is up to you, but keeping yourself busy focusing on yourself and working on your issues while she is working on herself will make the time go faster.

IGaveItMyAll posted 5/22/2013 17:36 PM

(Dixie) It is DEFINITELY something I bring into my relationship. I have been working on myself lately and this is a realization I discovered just this week. It goes back to my mom being an emotional wreck dealing with child abuse, molestation,rape & my dad cheating on her for 10+ years. I think I have always wanted to fix her. I looked at my past relationships and these are always the type of women I attract. The ones that need fixing. I have noticed my Co-Dependancy but definitely will check out the book. It is something I want to change forme. I am working on not doing everything she asks and making her do things for herself. So I will continue. I know if it unrealistic to expect happiness everyday. If she were like that everyday I would actually be worried. No one is that happy.

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