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My Turn

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YoungMistakes83 posted 5/22/2013 17:33 PM

Some of you may remember me from last summer. My BH repressed all of his emotions after my A 11 years ago. It all came back up last summer and we've went through hell. He's delt with all the bad feelings and has pretty much returned to his old self. I'm trying to do the same, but I keep getting stuck on it all. Not just my own shame and regret, but also the things he said to me last summer...wanting a divorce, wanting to see other women, wondering what it would be like with other women and so on. Also, at the time he complained that I didn't talk about interesting stuff enough(too much about the kids) and that we need to do more together. At the end of last year we were doing great with date nights and working on our marriage. We talked everything out in MC and she really wanted me to understand that he had said those things from a position of hurt and that I needed to let go, but I wake up every morning wondering if I'm really the woman he wants. I wonder if I'm good enough for him. He says that he regrets staying with me after the A, but wants to be married to me now. My counselor says I need to just have faith in that and move on. I'm just stuck. And I hurt. And I hate myself.

BaxtersBFF posted 5/22/2013 20:36 PM

So, what has changed now that he wants to be married to you now? Has he processed it enough? Would he benefit from IC for himself?

YoungMistakes83 posted 5/22/2013 21:09 PM

He wants to be married to me now because he couldn't live with himself if he broke up the family. He does love me (that's not really the issue) he just wished that he had taken to chance to honorably leave the marriage back then. Again, I don't doubt that he loves me, I just don't know that I'm the one. He spent a year in IC. I really don't think he holds any ill feelings about it all. It's just me. That's what I meant by "my turn." I need to let it all go too, but I don't know how. All the logic is there, but my emotions, self loathing and self doubt keep me sunk.

thisissogross posted 5/22/2013 22:02 PM

Hi young, I read back through some of your posts as well as your profile and there was something I noticed. You mention feeling inferior and as if your husband may leave you @ any moment a lot.

Sorry if I'm misunderstanding something, but, it seemed as if this feeling of not being enough and fear of being abandoned pre-dated your h's discovery of his feelings about all this. Is there any chance this is an internal issue that you're dealing with maybe? Maybe something existing which was aggravated by his lashing out? Something to think about anyway. I was shocked @ how much rage I had toward my foo and it came out in response to my h's affair. It took months of ic for me to even know for sure whether I was angry with h or my (long dead) mother in certain instances.

As far as what he actually said, I know I said most of that to my wh during the earlier days, and then some probably. It's all pretty normal bs stuff I think, not dismissing the pain it caused (causes) you, just saying it's pretty common talk I think. I asked for divorce AND moved out as a matter of fact and somehow-we're still here and trying.

Wishing you both the best.

Eta: there's also the concept of the bs rewriting marital history in their own way. Maybe there's a component of that going on when he says he wishes he left? You'd have thought I was married to satan himself for afew months there (with hooves and a pointy tail and goatee and breathing fire and sexual perversions and kitten torture) and I'm definately not. Just seemed like that to me at the time. Could his talk of wishing what he does fall into that category? Maybe in a few more months and with a little more time to heal your h will view that differently? Possible anyway, though I have no advice on broaching that topic with him (or whether you should just hope that's the case and give it a little time). Hopefully wiser members will be along shortly.

[This message edited by thisissogross at 10:25 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

numb&dumb posted 5/23/2013 12:50 PM

It seems to me that you are both lacking safety in the M.

Are there anything you can think of that you have done to make your H feel safe in the M ? And vice versa ?

My IC tell me often how I need to be comfortable taking a few risks. It sounds like you are getting the same counsel.

No fixes to offer you, but maybe something to focus on right now.

hopefulmother posted 5/23/2013 14:08 PM

I think you are over-analyzing what your BH said in the beginning.

We all have probably said that to our WS. I know that I did. It is because we are so confused and hurt. We are in so much pain from our WS's betrayal, that we state at times that we just want to be removed from our WS. Sometimes, I said similar stuff as a way of lashing out when I was raging from a particular trigger. Sometimes I said stuff in order to protect myself from being hurt by my WH again.

And, I hate to admit it-but, I also was jealous at one point of the carefree life he got to live with his AP while I was a stay-at-home mom. I was bitter and full of resentment for everything he put me through.

We all would love to have that new relationship feeling through our entire M. That just is not reality. The BS accepts that and lives a good M. The WS did not and betrayed us. After that betrayal, we may feel like we have a right to do what they did too. Like you gave us a free pass to wonder and wander. But, we don't. (Unless they become a Madhatter) We stay committed, because that is who we are. That is who your BH is.

It sounds like YOU have the same issues of self-doubt that you had before.

As far as being the "one". I guarantee that he is asking if he is your "one" after you had an A on him still. I know that I do that everyday. Your actions showed him otherwise. His actions of staying with you after the A, show that you are still his "one".

Keep working. He wouldn't still be there after all you put him through if he didn't feel you were worth it.

YoungMistakes83 posted 5/23/2013 15:33 PM

Thanks for all the advice. Thisis, you did hit a spot with your insight into my foo issues and such. I was raised by an alcoholic and a drug addict. I was raised to be a cheater, a liar and a substance abuser. My parents had joint custody and whenever I didn't meet one of their unknown standards I was sent to the other. I still feel like I'm walking on egg shells waiting for the other shoe to drop. I understand that the BH lashing out after an A is normal, what I guess I'm really having a hard times with is that he wasn't rejecting the 18 year old who had the affair, he rejected who I am now. I've changed so much over the years and have really fixed the issues that let me to have an affair, but it's still not enough. he wanted to end the marriage that we have now...not the one we had then and he states that what he was really mad at was himself for staying all those years ago. He says he's forgiven and is not really bothered by anything anymore and wants a happy marriage. I worry that what he really wants to move on and have relationships with other women, but won't because it would break up the family. The way things played out last summer (at least from my perspective) is that once he realized what his life would look like if he ended the marriage now (paying child support, splitting the family) didn't really look the way he wanted so he gave in. What set all this off last summer was military class in another state. While there a married female classmate had an affair with another classmate. He talked about how happy she looked and how that was what he wanted. A happy, thin pretty woman to fall in love with. He talked about how nice it would be to take a woman out to dinner and have a great conversation. I can't be that woman. I can't ever be one who didn't cheat on him. So, even after becoming a woman that I'm proud of, I don't think I'm what he wants. He says that I am, but his actions just don't reflect that. As I said, up until the new year we did date nights and such, but the last few months he's been really into his computer habits and doesn't spend a lot of time with me. I'm not not OK with that, I just feel like he has no desire to see me. I feel like this is my problem as well. These are my feelings and I don't have the right to ask him anything. Sorry so long.

[This message edited by YoungMistakes83 at 3:51 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

hopefulmother posted 5/24/2013 10:56 AM

That clears a lot up.

So sorry for you. I am only in month 8. I can't relate to what he would be thinking so long after the A. I hope I don't feel like that about my fWH later. He may still be hurt, but doesn't want to tell you. Or maybe he just can't let it go and he really does want out.

Either way, I would be concerned about the amount of time he is spending on the computer. EA? He has withdrawn from you over the last year, since that class. I wonder if he is the one that had that affair.

I can understand not wanting to be with someone that doesn't want you 100%.

devotedfool68 posted 5/24/2013 13:23 PM

YM83- What you are describing sounds like a mid-life crisis to me. Maybe he just needs some time, or a motorcycle

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