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what made you choose R?

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RunningBlind posted 5/22/2013 20:33 PM

what led you to the decision to R? i come to this forum and it feels like i'm tentatively (pathetically?) trying to find my WH and i in here.. in other words, others' situations that are similar to his and mine.

after multiple ddays and the realization that WH is a habitual liar and has piss poor boundaries i feel for the most part hopeless about R, not to mention the feelings of general disgust and heartbreak.. at the same time i know i shouldn't make any huge decisions. i guess i wanted to know if that tiny bit of hope in me for us is better left alone and not encouraged in any way.

AFrayedKnot posted 5/22/2013 20:57 PM

I flipped a coin and it said stay. So I committed to a year. It was a miserable f'n year. But by 9-10 months I started seeing real remorse, real work, and real changes.

Today I am grateful the coin came up heads. Today I am all in.

sailorgirl posted 5/22/2013 21:10 PM

Not sure whether our situation is similar to yours, but WH definitely had piss poor boundaries!

I let WH keep living at home and chose to see if R was possible because:
We had a strong, happy marriage before the A.
We have three kids under 13.
He is an excellent provider, father and friend.

I've continued on the R journey because:
He read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" and treated it as his bible.
He started IC twice a week (he has stuck to it for 5 months).
He kept NC even when she stalked and cried and had her mother beg him.
He learned how to listen to me without getting defensive.
There was no TT.

I have to say, it's still f#cking hard! But I think we have a solid chance of coming through with a close, passionate, honest marriage.

mamak posted 5/22/2013 21:15 PM

Ditto to what sailor girl said....heck, even up to the three kids under 13.

NC was initiated immediately, despite her attempts to pull him back. If it hadn't been initiated, I would have left. He was transparent and allowed me to monitor his phones, spot check his email at work, and went to MC.

That said, things are still rough nowadays but we also have some major health issues with family members going on and other issues that are an added stress to the R....but if it hadn't been for the factors listed above.....I would be here...

jellybean22 posted 5/22/2013 21:16 PM

I don't know. It was a knee jerk reaction. Like an instinct. In fact, I was considering divorce when I thought our marriage had just deteriorated. Once the affair was revealed, it's like I knew he was broken and our marriage still had a chance. It's tough to explain.

SimpleTruth posted 5/22/2013 21:43 PM

Double post.

[This message edited by SimpleTruth at 9:49 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

SimpleTruth posted 5/22/2013 21:47 PM

Once the affair was revealed, it's like I knew he was broken and our marriage still had a chance. It's tough to explain.

I think I understand. I also considered divorce off and on before A#2. A#1 was rugswept, but since finding SI after A#2, I have learned he was broken way before we got married. If he decides to and does all the work, I know that we can R.

RightTrack posted 5/23/2013 00:59 AM

I decided I could R when I realized he had a SA rather than a love relationship. I remember feeling relieved at some of the sick details he shamefully revealed to me. "You're sick!" That was a "why" I could live with as long as he made a commitment to change and sought long-term counseling.

...and then there was the thought of losing my kids for half the week. Today I'm glad I made the choice I did.

sisoon posted 5/23/2013 13:30 PM

Part 1: I love my W.
Part 2: She went NC immediately, accepted responsibility, stopped gaslighting, answered questions, etc., etc., etc.

It's probably more important that I love her.

libertyrocks posted 5/23/2013 13:46 PM

Love. On both our ends.

Also, I told him I would take a "fixed" H, not a broken one.

Since then, he has stopped drinking, which was HUGE, changed jobs, got a new phone with new number, NC with drinking buddies and eff buddies, is 1000% committed the boys and I, is completely transparent, going to IC/MC, actually set it up for us, remorseful, answers questions, he's the man I always wanted. He even cried yesterday about how bad he felt when I had my FB trigger of OW when I got home. He even made me dinner. He's amazing. Now, I realize why I married him in the first place.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 1:51 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

Grimwyrm posted 5/23/2013 13:55 PM

Similar to what someone else said...my kneejerk reaction to this was to forgive and to fight for us. I refused to believe my WW was an intrinsicly bad/evil person and viewed the A as a good person that made a terribly bad mistake.

That was the initial reaction, but what kept my hope of R alive was that she was immediately remorseful, took full ownership, was transparent, and was 100% committed to rebuilding our relationship.

karmahappens posted 5/23/2013 13:59 PM

When I found out about my husbands affair with my friend I was crushed. We had gotten to a good point in our lives, but we were broken.

I 180'd, threw him out with hefty bags and held onto hope that he would find his way. The A was threatening my family. IMO, (this is for me, I do not judge another's choice to D) you do not throw away a member of your family because they are broken. You don't turn your back on the life you chose, the kids you created and the path you took because you have entered into a shitstorm.

You fight and leave nothing on the table.

There was fear, anger, doubt and a hell of a lot of work ahead of us, but I refused to let my husband go because he made a horrible choice.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't beg or plead for him to come home...I let him see my strength (yeah I was faking that ) and let him know I would not be treated like a doormat.

It killed him to see me willing to walk away, but it also made him realize he was screwing around with our lives.A life I knew deep down mattered to him, no matter how lost he had become.

I was lucky he was truly sorry and found his way back to our family giving 100% along the way.

We didn't do things perfectly, we fell and had to get back up, but we did it together. His willingness to fight with me rather than against me during this challenge was key. It isn't something one person can do alone. It has to be a team effort.

You will find pieces of you and your story on this site everywhere you look. Pick out the good pieces and concentrate on those.

Remember though, it is a team effort and if your husband isn't in, isn't doing the work, you have to be willing to let him go in order to save yourself. Don't accept excuses or mediocre effort.

I am blessed to have made it through R. We are better people today because we were able to go through this.

VD2012 posted 5/23/2013 18:26 PM

She's my best friend and I love her completely. And she feels the same way about me.

We complement each other incredibly well and are wonderful together. We have history and I have always believed a future.

I could list off numerous reasons, big and small, but it really comes down to love. I love this woman and have for over a third of my life. And considering at this point another third of my life was also spent in diapers and/or picking my nose, it's a large chunk of my life.

I also have empathy and understanding for what she's gone through in life and what has affected her. She has done everything that she has been suppose to since D-day to make this work and fix herself. I have patience that she will resolve her issues and I truly do believe in her.

I've found almost nothing else to believe in in my life, but her, I believe in her.

Lostinthismess posted 5/23/2013 19:36 PM

The first reason I didn't leave was because of the kids. I couldn't put them through it. From day 1 wh has owned it all and willing to do whatever it took. Sometimes I think it's because I'm lazy. Trying to find someone to date and start over with only to not be able to trust them or love them like I used to be able to love.... Just depressing. Why not stay and work in this marriage with the same result. Probably not the best reason to stay but its the truth some days......

LA44 posted 5/23/2013 19:40 PM

His willingness to fight with me rather than against me during this challenge was key. It isn't something one person can do alone. It has to be a team effort.

You will find pieces of you and your story on this site everywhere you look. Pick out the good pieces and concentrate on those.

Remember though, it is a team effort and if your husband isn't in, isn't doing the work, you have to be willing to let him go in order to save yourself. Don't accept excuses or mediocre effort.

Karmahappens: this is exceptional. Glad I have your stuff to read.

LA

LA44 posted 5/23/2013 19:54 PM

I chose R because:
Within the first hour of D-Day he said: I am DONE lying to you. You are the cornerstone of us. You are the now and the future.

Then when I referred to the bday card she gave him by saying, "she doesn't want YOUR story to end" - so call her up. Tell her our story is over." He said, "NO! PLEASE. I don't want that!" I could see even in that first hour that he was sick with the thought of me leaving. He made the NC call the next morning.

It also helped me that he had ended the PA one year before. He got sick with himself and made a choice. The choice was our marriage.

He also:
Bought and read, After the Affair, 5 Love Languages, How to help your Spouse Heal and is now on, Affairs: Repercussions...Infidelity
He goes to IC. He makes the MC appointments.

He practices the 5 Love Languages.

He has answered all my questions with patience and honesty. He told me how lucky he feels to be here with our family. He gave me space. He held me and told me how sorry he was when I cried.

He has been consistently remorseful and loving.

I have always known him to be a good person. Now he is a good person who made a terrible choice for too long a time. But its over. He wants more for us and more for himself. We said for better or for worse. Our worse is here.

We will get through this.

befuzzled110 posted 5/23/2013 19:57 PM

I have chose to give the gift of reconciliation, again, because, even though he may have broke vows and hurt me, I honor my vows and truly love him. He wasn't always like this.We had a poor marriage before he took it to the point of breaking. No one is perfect. He didn't do it TO me, he was doing it to himself. You are in the very beginnings. There is no shame or rush in anything. There are no right or wrong answers. The hardest lesson to learn, I have found (and I still struggle with) is to listen to your gut. Denial is not your friend. Wh is and has been a great provider, a good father, and many other positive things. I wouldn't like myself if I didn't give it an honest try to the best of my ability.

Tred posted 5/23/2013 19:58 PM

I'm a glutton for punishment and loyal to a fault.

befuzzled110 posted 5/23/2013 20:01 PM

And yes, what karmahappens said. You don't throw away a family member because they are sick. That was huge for me in choosing. I chose him to marry, and start a family with. What kind of person would *I* be if I turned my back on him. I know, because of our history, I had hurt him too. Not with infidelity, but it still hurt. That doesn't mean you give up though.

KBeguile posted 5/23/2013 20:46 PM

I don't know, other than "I started to remember what I was like before the As." Of course, there was D-Day, changing my antidepressants, and several other things all happening at the time, too, so it's hard to really pin down what all happened for me.

Between the reading, the 2x4s on SI, and the drugs, I definitely "woke up" to what I had been doing, and I've been fighting the good fight ever since.

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