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User Topic: He gave me the date that he is moving out. How do I get thru?
FieldsOfLavender
♀ 39154
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure where to start. He said he would move out June 1st, whether or not I found a job. He'll be moving out soon and he gave me his move out date.

Until recently, he has held strong to the belief that children/our child needed two parents - before he met his whore.

We went thru the separation agreement, he and I, without lawyers. We don't have much assets together except for the house.

He's shown no remorse and thinks we will be divorced. He's not one to show any type of emotion. I still feel sad.

On some level, I have accepted it, but it is still profoundly sad. While I am not a horoscope follower, I checked a horoscope website to verify my daughter's horoscope. The webpage showed whether you were compatible with someone by entering birthdates. I put in ours and it said that our relationship would be difficult and require a lot of effort. I put in his and the whore's and it said they were "perfect" 90% match. That they would have difficult times together, but would come out well. I think it was at that point that I began to accept it.

It's just reached the one year anniversary since I found out about his affair which started out as an intense sexually charged emotional affair. We haven't told our young child what is about to happen.


Posts: 200 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
FieldsOfLavender
♀ 39154
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was stupid to have some hope that some miracle would happen.

Posts: 200 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
wannabenormal
♀ 19772
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not stupid; you married this clown and took the vows seriously. For a long time, he probably did too and now he's not so you're pissed.

As you should be. You're hurt, don't understand and am wondering WTF happened.

You were hoping his head would come out of his ass; it hasn't and sometimes it just doesn't.

And it's not because of YOU or the stars or the astrological calendar or when the F their birthdays fall or the moon or what sign they are; it happened because he douched out and that wasn't you.

Don't read that crap looking for an answer; it's not there. They're not meant to be just as y'all 'were not'.

Take care and tell the kids together.



Posts: 14424 | Registered: Jun 2008
honesttoafault
♀ 27105
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know how much you are hurting. My xWH#1 left me without trying to work it out, wouldn't talk, even discuss it at all. It hurt for so long because I felt he didn't even give us a chance.

BUT

They only thing that I have realized over 25 years later with current StbxWH, who tickled truthed, gaslighted, lied, etc etc, that it was actually better to go "cold turkey"

But it hurts like hell, so keep posting and letting it out.


Posts: 1961 | Registered: Jan 2010
Vulcanized
♀ 33523
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 4:01 AM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They only thing that I have realized over 25 years later with current StbxWH, who tickled truthed, gaslighted, lied, etc etc, that it was actually better to go "cold turkey

Yup. My XH did the gaslighting, tt, etc for about 2 months. Yes, I do think it's easier to just make a clean break of it.

They are mentally fucked; until they can prove they're unfucked, time to just move it along.

Sorry, I know that is the sucky answer that you don't want to hear, but it seems closer to the truth.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 784 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
FieldsOfLavender
♀ 39154
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I knew that it was coming, I was also hoping in the back of my mind that he would have a change of heart, realized that the whore is a mistake and that he wants to fix our marriage. I was hoping for a hail mary.

This morning, I have no energy and feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. He acts like it's any other day this morning. I can't seem to look him in the eye anymore when he is near. I was trying to maneuver around him in the kitchen this morning, but did not want to look at his face/eyes. Maybe because I would recognize the indifference in them. When I think about it, he doesn't look at me when he talks. He hasn't since at least January. I thought it was because he checked out mentally, but in hindsight, I think it was his sense of guilt for having sex with his whore.

I slept in my daughter's room last night, like I did the day that we went thru the separation agreement.


Posts: 200 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
SeanFLA
♂ 32380
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went through the same thing with exWW. I couldn't look at her, i still can't and won't. She made the decision to end things and I too was somehow hoping for God to intervene and the hail mary pass. It never happened. What you have to do now is this. Somehow accept he is going. You won't accept it fully until it happens, but accept it in principle. Concentrate EVERYTHING on your daughter. As a parent now your biggest responsibility is to her and helping her get through what will be a huge adjustment. But both of you need to tell her together soon. It will be the hardest thing to do. It was the hardest thing for me when she forced us to do it. I know the guilt was brutal on her. F' her however. She choose this not me.

They become changed people. Mine showed zero remorse too. She had guilt but no remorse even towards our son for what she was doing. It's who they really are inside. We just never knew it. They are actors whether we accept that or not. You have to let him go and just surrender to it. But what still bothers me is what else went on behind my back I will never know about.


BS(me) 48
WW 47
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1479 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
FieldsOfLavender
♀ 39154
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SeanFLA, thank you for your message. Your post made me cry - again. I remember reading another of your posts in which you said telling your son was the hardest thing and that also made me cry.

I haven't really cried in a long time and I thought I was over that part, but I cry as I type here. Through trials and tribulations, I really believed it was going to be "until death do us part".


Posts: 200 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
Vulcanized
♀ 33523
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FOL, I think we all have the idea somewhere that they'll just wake up one day. That somehow they'll magically get it and work 1000% to fix it.

I gave XH 3 years to figure it out. Still came as a shock to me that he didn't. Thought that pushing along the D that I didn't want, but he did would help him get it. Nope.

It is so incredibly hard to believe that the person you love(d) is the same person who has no problem inflicting so much pain on you. Willingly. Sometimes it seems like they go out of their way to hurt you.

It is sad, and painful. But, ultimately, letting go is the only choice. It does get easier, though. One day it sinks in to you that you don't know them and you're better off not knowing this person that they've become (or maybe always were?).


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 784 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
persevere
♀ 31468
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been almost 2 1/2 years since DDay, the day XWH walked out the door. I've gone through all of the anguish of all of the questions - the hardest one "Why were we not worth fighting for?" (Answer is - because he's a weak, selfish SOB who finds it easier to lie to himself and everyone else than face who he really is).

And you know what else I've determined? Although it hurt like hell, and I'm still healing, I am actually grateful that he just chose to leave rather than attempt some feeble semblance of R. By reading the Wayward and R sections of SI I've seen what it takes to truly R, and XWH wouldn't have made it a week - he's far too weak of a person.

So now I'm on my own NB and I realize how much better off I am without being attached to a man (and I use that term loosely) that would betray and lie to me and haphazardly blow up our lives. I deserve a helluva lot better than that - and FOL - so do you. ((FOL))


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4714 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 10

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