Topic: Help me!
Member # 39323
| Posted: 1:15 AM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013|
Hey everyone, everything i've read on here has been really helpful so i decided to post whats happening to me to see if anyone could help me out. I'm feeling pretty desperate at the moment.
My H had an OEA about 2 years ago which became a PA pretty quickly. He said all that stuff to her like "I don't love my wife anymore" and she thought she was saving him from me. It went on for about 3 months. I found out about it after the OW ended it with him. Then it was TT for a year and we decided to try to work it out. But honestly, I'm not over it. I am up all night sometimes thinking about it. Its affected my whole life. My confidence is ruined and i'm always second guessing everything he does. I know they dont speak anymore but i can never know if he still wants her over me or if he loved her more than me. He was very upset about her ending it with him.
Over the past year he has been talking to a new woman and although both of them insist theyre just friends, my gut says there is more going on. He gets upset each time I confront him about it.
Im always upset about his A and i'm constantly looking for evidence of a new affair and asking questions about th old one. Even though each piece of information makes me sick to my stomach and upsets me again for days. i know this upsets him because he does everything for me now but no matter how much i ask him to cut ties with this new 'friend' he wont do it or he does and she weasels her way back into our relationship.
We've been together 8 years and married 4 and i want to trust him so much but he keeps hurting me. I dont think he regrets his affair because he tells me that being with her made him realise he wants me, but i dont really believe that.
What should i do? Any advice would be really nice :)
[This message edited by emrdina at 1:17 AM, May 23rd (Thursday)]
Posts: 3 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 38966
| Posted: 1:46 AM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013|
Hi. This just plain sucks, doesn't it? ((hugs))
It seems like your H is not quite remorseful. Has he been to IC? Have you two been to MC?
I hate to say it, but this OP he's talking to is probably more than "just a friend." Have you read the book, "Not Just Friends"? It is my favorite book about this kind of thing.
Bottom line: If he really values you and your marriage, he will give up his uh friend. If he wants you to feel safe, he will do it, at a minimum.
I am sorry you are suffering.
Me: BW 50
Him:Peter Pan late 50's
Married 14 years, together 17 years
DDay #1 Nov.2012, plus more, more, more!
OW : 25 years younger
Posts: 307 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: NW
Member # 9280
| Posted: 3:45 AM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013|
I am so sorry you are in this intolerable situation. I agree with RWB your H needs to give up his"friend" if your marriage is to improve. You said yourself you get upset for days with every new bit of information. Only you can put a stop to this. You said he does everything for you now. However he is not willing to stop talking to another woman though he knows it is upsetting you. It sounds to me as if he just doesn't get it yet. He is being thoughtless and disrespectful at the very least. Please take care of yourself.(((emrdina)))
D-Day May 2005
divorced December 2009
Posts: 173 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: UK
Member # 34766
| Posted: 6:42 AM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013|
Your WH gave up his "right" to have friends of the opposite sex when he proved he is not trustworthy.
i know this upsets him because he does everything for me now
He is not doing everything for you now. The one thing he can do to hurt you more than anything is exactly what he is engaging in.
no matter how much i ask him to cut ties with this new 'friend' he wont do it or he does and she weasels her way back into our relationship.
Again, this is not what people who are just friends act like. He TT'd (lied) to you for over a year which means you are probably only one year out from your last Dday. he needs to get rid of theis woman and she needs to stay out of your marriage.
i want to trust him so much but he keeps hurting me. I dont think he regrets his affair because he tells me that being with her made him realise he wants me, but i dont really believe that.
Trust is earned and he is no where close to being trustworthy.
emrdina you need to start working on you and 180 your H. I know it sounds scary and you may feel like this will push him farther away but the 180 is to help you. He is currently taking advantage of the fact that you do not want to upset him with confrontation. The fact is that he is behaving inappropriatley and is likely on the road to starting another relationship while married to you.
I am not trying to be mean here but friends of the opposite sex do not sneak around like they are doing.
I would advise talking to a lawyer to at least find out what your rights are, you do not have to file but knowledge gives you power.
Ask for all of his passwords and demand to see his phone. If he refuses at that moment you probably have your answer. Print out your phone records and compare the calls and texts to the ones on his phone, deleted messages are a big red flag.
Again, take care of yourself. Treat yourself to a spa treatment or something else you like doing. Keep digging for proof and the truth, your gut is almost always right and right now it is way more trustworthy than your WH.
If there is reincarnation I hope OM comes back as a low water flush truck stop toilet!
Posts: 312 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Tx
Member # 29341
| Posted: 7:41 AM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013|
Ditto every word HereWeGo said.
Proud mom to a lovely young lady and a sweet little boy.
Posts: 8447 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Southeast US
Member # 39145
| Posted: 7:44 AM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013|
I think you just wrote my whole situation out in your post! My WH is/was having an EA with another woman and refused to give her up as a "friend" so I ended up leaving him. This was after 6 months of trying and God only knows how long it had been going on. Yes, if your husband truly wants his marriage he would give up his "friend". It sounds to me like he is emotionally attached to this woman just like my WH is/was. I don't have magic solution for you as I'm not in a good place myself yet but take care of yourself; 180 his ass! I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. It truly sucks!
Sending you big hugs emrdina, I've been/am in your shoes so I know you need them!
DD: Thanksgiving Day, 2012
Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Minnesota
Member # 37455
| Posted: 8:35 AM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013|
here we go hit the nail on the head. at this point in your marriage you need to consider seeing a lawyer. by not being willing to get rid of her, he is showing you who is important in his life.
bottom line, does he want a wife or a girlfriend?
BH 53, WW 45
DS 25(Mine),SD 24,SS 23(Hers),DS 12 Ours, DGS 6, DGD 2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone
Posts: 5561 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 38121
| Posted: 9:47 AM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013|
....but he keeps hurting me....
This sentence speaks volumes.
The fact that he's already devastated you with his past cheating coupled with him now cramming yet ANOTHER woman 'friend' down your throat, says a lot.
He wasn't remorseful about his first affair and it would seem he still feels entitled to jump right back into yet another inappropriate 'friendship.'
But in truth, I'm a firm believer that people are going to do what they WANT to do, and we can really only control ourselves and our own behavior. If he's going to do it, he's going to do and no amount of threatening, crying or begging is probably going to change his mind.
Stand your ground this time emrdina - whatever action you choose to take. Otherwise, he'll steamroll you if you let him.
Good luck to you.
[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 9:48 AM, May 23rd (Thursday)]
Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.
Posts: 6327 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Member # 38975
| Posted: 11:19 AM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013|
You can't trust him because he continues to give you reasons not to.
You have been hurt and betrayed. He needs to understand this, be remorseful and do anything in his power to help you heal.
Talking to a "new woman" is not going to provide you with ANY comfort.
Look up the 180 in the healing library.
Have you considered IC for you? He needs it too because he needs to understand why he feels entitled to carry on with other woman while married. (selfish and disrespectful).
He is having another affair with this "new" woman. An EA is an affair. He is putting time and energy into someone other than his wife. RED FLAG.
And the OW couldn't weasel her way back in unless your husband allows it. NC is just that NC. NONE.
Start with demanding NC. If he won't do it then you have your answer. You are an option and he picks his ego and selfish life style over you and your marriage.
Demand more for yourself. You deserve it.
Hang in there. You are stronger than you think you are.
We are all rooting for you.
Sometimes my life feels like a test I didn't study for
Posts: 3408 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 38814
| Posted: 11:27 AM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013|
I agree with RedWheelBarrow. IC and MC are good choices to help you sort out where you are and plan for the future.
The cost is worth it. Don't expect to be able to get through this alone. It's too painful.
Together since 2001. Married since 2007. Found out about her affairs in 2013. Now separated, waiting for divorce paperwork and in a wonderful new relationship. Life is good again.
Posts: 512 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 39323
| Posted: 6:41 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013|
I do feel alone though because i dont have many friends I can rely on and I dont want my family to know because I dont want them to hate him.
We are both been in IC for the past year and we've been to a few sessions of MC and he always acknowledges he was wrong and never places the blame on me. Im demanding NC with the OW and threatening to leave if he doesnt put all his energy into our relationship, but I cant leave him.
Thanks so much for all the help and support.
[This message edited by emrdina at 6:42 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]
Posts: 3 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 38975
| Posted: 6:46 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013|
You don't have to make any decisions now but if he continues to cheat - can you stay?
The communication with the new woman is a new EA at the least. It is. He is spending time and energy on her, not you, not your marriage. Unacceptable. Disrespectful and just plain mean considering his history.
Look at what YOU want and define YOUR boundaries. You can't make him change. You can't control what he does. He has to be there for the right reasons.
But you CAN define your own truth, honesty and what you are and aren't willing to tolerate.
One step at a time. You matter.
Sometimes my life feels like a test I didn't study for
Posts: 3408 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 38377
| Posted: 9:54 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013|
It's a big red flag to me that he minimizes this relationship as just being a "friend" yet he maximizes it by continuing it even though you've stated it's a dealbreaker for your marriage. Like, which one is it? Either she's not that important so he can drop her instantly to save his marriage, or something about her is just too special to him that he is willing to sacrifice your trust, your love, and your marriage over..
You stated your boundaries (NC with this woman), but he is crossing them. Time for his actions to have some consequences. You can't make him love you and choose the marriage, but you can decide what you will do if he doesn't respect you or your boundaries..
Big hugs to you..
Two DS~ 9 and 13
Posts: 3120 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Member # 26465
| Posted: 10:13 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013|
You can't leave him? Why?
He knows this?
Look he needs to be open 100% if he can't be open and give you what you need YOU need to revisit the I can't leave him statement and change it to YOU WILL if he doesn't become the man YOU need and want to be married to.
It is your life don't live it with your head in the sand. Stand up for yourself and your marriage tell him no more women for friends period! You get all passwords and complete access to all computer and cell phones. Trust is earned.
He is either working or a stronger marriage with you or he isn't? Which life do you want with him? This is your life too.
I hope you listen to others here and gain strength. The JFO forum is hard for us old timers becuase we know your pain. We just want to guide you to the right place in life for you.
Read here work on you make yourself stronger. Focus on YOU and what YOU need to heal. Tell him what you need to make this marriage work.
There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing
Posts: 3225 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Member # 31558
| Posted: 11:00 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013|
After an A, he does not get to have female friends anymore. He has to stay out of the zone of danger.
Me: BW a youthful 51
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 58
Married 21 years
Two sons, 18 & 19 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.
Posts: 1585 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Member # 28564
| Posted: 11:22 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013|
I am with everyone else. You have gotten good advice. Your WH sounds like mine after his first A. He did wise up but it took a long time and hard work from both of us. It also cost me a lot of tears and extra weight.
The only reason I stood by my H was because I was pregnant with number 4 on dday#2 and he already was working on himself prior to that with out me pushing him.
The most important thing to remember is trust your gut. It is hardly every wrong.
Married-14 years together 15
Kids 4: 17, 14, 10, and 5
DDay#1 9-26-2008 Dday#2 4-26-2010
We have R!!! But I still hate the number 26!
This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!
Posts: 902 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Michigan
Member # 37816
| Posted: 8:40 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013|
I agree with redwheelbarrel. Read the book she suggested.My soon to be XWH has not cultivated any new male relationships. They are all women he pays. (Hmmm just like his hookers). He gets his back waxed and pays a personal trainer and goes to a hot springs to soak naked with women he does not know. It is one step away.from paying for sex. No cheater should form new relationships with women. There are plenty of men to hang out with. If he is trying to earn your trust he should know better.
Married 21 yrs.
2 yr LTA
Many other indiscretions
D-Day #1 9/14/12 D-Day #2 10/9/12
Gaslighting the whole time until final contact on 12/24/12
Now trying D
"The grass is only greener where you water it."
Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: kabee
|Topic Posts: 17|