I know what I did was wrong and will always regret my actions. If you have never lived over 2/3 of your married life as a married single parent, kissing your husband goodbye when they leave for a deployment not knowing if you will ever see them alive again, how can others know what life has been like for us?
I cannot change my bad decisions. I cannot stop the runaway train my actions set in motion. I would step in front of the runaway train and stop it from hurting my husband if I could. I know in life no one gets a do over, actions cannot be undone; choices cannot be unmade, if only they could. I see the damage my choices have done, I would do anything to unmake those choices, I can't. All I can do is support my husband and make him feel important, he is very important to me. I think he felt I had pulled back a little and I admit I did, but I know we can't heal each other until we heal ourselves. Honey I know you will probably read this and want you to know I love you; I am working on my demons so that I will never go back to that dark place and the person that neither of us recognized.
Thank you for supporting my decision to persue my education so that I can have a job that I can be proud of. Thank you for trying to be happy about my career choices even though I know you had mixed feelings. Passing all my exams was one of the proudest moments of my life, I am glad you were there to share that with me. I know you still have mixed feelings about so many things, but, I love you and appreciate all the support you were able to provide.
We can get through this, all I have to remember is that when I get frustrated I must keep my mouth shut (wanted to use a cute icon, couldn't make it work). If Icon appears in a weird place, forgive me. I hope we can get through this together, as someone once said, together we stand, divided we fall. I am working on my demons and trying to think before I speak, look before I leap, and look at the consequences of any actions or inactions. Perhaps one day you will be proud to call me your wife, your love, your partner. Yes I was listening.