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Late Brother in Laws birthday today...

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idiot85 posted 5/23/2013 08:37 AM

He'd be 28 today- passed away in 2010. He left behind a wife and 2 young sons. My own kids made a card for him saying "we miss you uncle X" - my son wasn't actually born and my daughter was a baby, she can't remember him.

The Mrs and her family are going through to the cemetery. Even though she's poorly she said she couldn't not go.

It's very sad and I'm hoping she isn't going to start with the questions she had last year at the anniversary and birthday "what if I had done..." "What if I had rang him..." "Honestly- do you think if I had..."

She tortures herself for no reason. He made a choice, nothing to do with her. They were very close- like best friends more than brother/sister. His wife threatened to leave him- he said "if you don't come back now I'll kill myself" - he wasn't bluffing

Her grief will be magnified with her feeling unwell I reckon.

confused615 posted 5/23/2013 11:09 AM

What a sad situation.

Give her some extra attention this evening..hugs,cuddles...maybe you could make dinner for the her a bath...etc.

idiot85 posted 5/23/2013 11:15 AM

So- my wife's ill and yet still her family have her propping them up. They're all crying and the Mrs just looked after them and the kids- all the kids. So what happens when an ill person does too much- she threw up again apparently- had to stop the car. Makes me angry!!

2 of her sisters are OK- wimps who hang off her neck but OK, her twin sister is inept- she text my wife "not going today- too much to do". Nice.

simplydevastated posted 5/23/2013 11:19 AM

I'm so sorry to hear this. I can't imagine the hurt she is going through. I agree with confused615, pamper her today, she needs it.

sending (((HUGS))) to you and your wife today.

idiot85 posted 5/23/2013 11:28 AM

I don't get why some people are so selfish- they know all the shit and how she's ill- they know it was a massive effort for her to just walk around let alone ferry everyone around like a taxi and babysit 8 or 9 kids- apparently her little sister got lots of attention because, after all- she found him- no actually, she walked in, saw ran out again it was my 8 month pregnant wife that got him down, rang ambulance, rang me and sat with him. If my memory serves correctly her sister was outside the house when I arrived. But no, "poor little SIL- Sienna nevermind puking, go look after the kids and stop MIL from being upset" gggrrrrrr

karmahappens posted 5/23/2013 15:39 PM

One thing I have learned to embrace through all of this A crap is that you can only control your own actions.

You can't control what the family asks of your wife. You can't control how much she gives.

As she travels through IC she will learn it is up to her to have boundaries with people that take too much. She has to learn to only give what she is able/comfortable giving. If she gets that and lives it she can and will control how much she allows people to take from her.

I understand the pain she is feeling today. My sisters birthday was Monday. She would have been 47 and died in a car accident when she was 17. Your wife does need some extra love and care, it is one of the hardest hurdles I have had to get over in my life.


[This message edited by karmahappens at 3:40 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

idiot85 posted 5/23/2013 16:16 PM

I'm so sorry, I can only imagine what it's like- I've sort of seen but, it's not the same.

I've chilled out a bit now- she got upset earlier- normal reaction. She did say the old "I wish I'd..." But I managed to cuddle it away. She's fast asleep now. It's awful, when someone is blatantly not well and it's a day like today- who wouldn't want to take care of her or anyone?!

She obviously hasn't been to IC this week but she really does need to explore that. Her Dad is the only one who can see it- everyone else thinks she's Superwoman- or has no feelings. Her sister not going is a joke- her little sister acts as if she was the only one there and her older sister was a crumbling wreck. Now, them being upset doesn't make me angry it's the "do this/do that check whoever is OK/drop whoever off" and the biggest joke came from her Mum "if we were all as tough as Sienna eh? I'd be in bed if I felt like that and how you haven't broken down, I don't know"- oh yeah, fucking ace MIL. I couldn't resist saying "you don't have a clue" under my breath.

Edited to add- she actually cried btw, tears and sad face. As weird as it sounds this is a massive achievement. I didn't mention it of course- I just cuddled.

[This message edited by idiot85 at 4:19 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

Kajem posted 5/23/2013 16:27 PM

she actually cried btw, tears and sad face. As weird as it sounds this is a massive achievement. I didn't mention it of course- I just cuddled.

You've done good. Most of us hard core strong people are just marshmallows on the inside... and need extra help when the marshmallow leaks out the cracks. I am glad you were there to cuddle.



idiot85 posted 5/23/2013 16:32 PM

In the past I've quizzed her- 'how you feeling' type questions- tonight I sorted her medicines out, turned the bed down, bathed the kids and got them to sleep. Then just sat next to my wife- she started talking and I just listened- never really said anything, then she fell asleep. I still have a little wet patch on my chest from her tears- it's very sad but I know it's good.

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