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I call her a cheater..

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Hopefulguy posted 5/23/2013 09:54 AM

We are two weeks out sometimes it feels like everything is almost normal, other times I have to take a walk outside just to think.

But lately I've called her. A cheater multiple times... Maybe five. I've never done it out of anger, never done it to win an argument...but she doesn't like it. Not that she gets mad at me really, she gets mad at herself. I'm not trying to hurt her, I use it in factual conversations and have tried to use it jokingly once or twice to disastrous results.

Do I just need to remove this word from my vocabulary or is this ok. I think part of me is trying to disarm the shock value of it by making it the new norm.

Anyone have any thoughts or advice?

Twitchy posted 5/23/2013 10:14 AM

The truth hurts.

If the situations calls for it, use the correct words. She's a cheater and sometimes you need to say it.

If you feel the need to lash out or inflict pain, keep on like you're doing and take a walk or get some distance. Post here.

You don't need to sheild her from her consquences. Just don't inflame the situation. That never helps.

Saying it jokingly.... Not a good plan.

simplydevastated posted 5/23/2013 10:17 AM

I'm sorry she gets upset, but like the saying goes...if the shoe fits.

If you're trying to reconcile you may want to pick and chose your words more carefully. When I first found out about my husband I never called him a cheater, I would say "you cheated on me." He still didn't like it because he didn't want to own it. He just wanted to ignore it because as he has said "It's not as bad as what everyone else has done."

Just don't sweep it under the rug and don't let her blame anything on you. Her affair is hers to own 100%

I hope some of this helps.

cali1002 posted 5/23/2013 10:26 AM

If it has been just two weeks since D-Day for you, I'm sure every thing is still pretty raw.

My WH would try to make jokes about it sometimes and it just used to make me mad. I'm like, "this is not funny and something we need to be joking about!" I think he felt like if he tried to lighten up his disgusting behavior that it would be easier for us to work through it. So perhaps that is what you are doing - trying to cope by joking, but if she is getting mad maybe it is because she feels guilty and bad about what she did. I don't know. Maybe others will have more insight.

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 5/23/2013 10:28 AM

Really? Five times and she doesn't like it? Too freakin' bad. Then she shouldn't have cheated. I agree with Twitchy, the truth hurts and sometimes the truth needs to be said. You don't need to use it out of anger (although I did) and you don't need to use it to inflame a situation (I did that too...) but it is the truth now.

I'm more concerned about her reaction- getting mad. What does she do in these situations?

Hopefulguy posted 5/23/2013 10:39 AM

Thanks for the replies I am glad you agree Bout inflaming the situation etc and yes I haven't crossed the line yet.

She doesn't get mad at me or lash out at me, she gets..upset I guess that she's earned the right to be called that and doesn't like it.

Yes the shoe fits and I guess her reaction is mourning the loss of what we had before.

Ive entered into this sort of hyper vigilant phase where I notice every reference in media, or conversations I overhear...hell I even see two people walking down the street and wonder which one is going to cheat on the other.

I guess I am only a fair weather optimist.

[This message edited by Hopefulguy at 10:39 AM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

simplydevastated posted 5/23/2013 10:43 AM

Ive entered into this sort of hyper vigilant phase where I notice every reference in media, or conversations I overhear...hell I even see two people walking down the street and wonder which one is going to cheat on the other.

I've BTDT. Sometimes I still do. It does get easier in time. I hope she comes around and shows you true remorse, compassion, and transparency and does the hard needed to heal your marriage.

Keep posting, it helps.

RyeBread posted 5/23/2013 11:05 AM

Maybe if she wanted positive praise she chould have done, oh, I don't know maybe volunteer at a homeless shelter, or treat you extra nice, or help abused children, or take food to the needy etc etc. Not sure what she was expecting would come out of such destructive and dishonest actions but I think being called out on cheating behavior is pretty minor.

At the point where you want your relationship to heal from this you'll probably have to start finding other words to express yourself though.

Ive entered into this sort of hyper vigilant phase where I notice every reference in media, or conversations I overhear

I'm with you there. It's glaring at times. Infidelity is rampant in our society. I think noticing those things can be a good thing. It shows that your moral compass is pointing the right direction.

Strength to you.

confused615 posted 5/23/2013 11:12 AM

Gently...things will never be normal again. If you R successfully,you create a new normal. It takes 3-5 years to heal from infidelity, and it's a roller coaster of emotions.

You're only 2 weeks out...calling her a cheater is appropriate and true. What is she doing to insure this won't happen again? Is she in IC? Is she answering all of your questions? is she being completely honest,open,and transparent? Did she send a NC email to the OM? has his BW been told of the affair?

Hopefulguy posted 5/23/2013 11:23 AM

Thankfully she has been a textbook WS on the remorse train, fully transparency calls me just to check in and reassure me, tries to comfort me when I'm upset, asks me if there's anything else I need to talk about etc.

I feel like I'm drinking recovering from an affair lite as compared to some of the horrible behavior from other WSes I read about here.

Neither of us are in counseling yet for financial reasons, unfortunately this hit us right as we transition into professional careers.

We've tried the NC, he responded with now approaching two hundred ridiculous text messages, its not fun reading the armchair phsychological analysis of our relationship from a scumbag thirty two year old high school graduate who has a kid from a prior relationship that he sends child support checks to and has seen a couple of times.

Rant over, we are changing her # as this guy lacks the mental capacity to get its over.

Though the damn texts just drag me back to square one, though part of me is amused watching his insane behavior and wild mood swings, another part of me cringes...that this is the guy she picked over me.

confused615 posted 5/23/2013 11:35 AM

I read a few of your past posts..OM is a coworker. She needs to get another

Hopefulguy posted 5/23/2013 11:39 AM

Ya unfortunately we depend on that income. So we are exploring all options to get away from that situation.

confused615 posted 5/23/2013 11:41 AM

Has she tried to find another job? Is she applying? This needs to be a top priority.

Hopefulguy posted 5/23/2013 11:45 AM

She's looking, I was starting a private practice but now I'm looking too whichever one hits something first is where we go.

Conflicted1 posted 5/23/2013 12:11 PM

My MC recommended the book Non Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg that we found helpful in having more constructive discussions especially when it was an emotionally charged one. Moralistic judgement is threatening if you use it as a weapon and really blocks the other persons ability to feel compassion. While the words may be true it might not get you the desired response.

Hopefulguy posted 5/23/2013 12:14 PM

Thank you I will check that out for sure. It does seem at times I have an inadequate vocabulary to explain my feelings.

nofool4u posted 5/24/2013 12:12 PM

I don't think you have to remove the word "cheater" from your vocabulary.........just yet.

Its a fitting description of her, and IMO, always will be. Just like an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic even if they never take a drink again.

But if you are thinking about reconciling, then you do have to drop it at some point.

I wouldn't ever have been able to drop the word, therefore I divorced her.

But if you stay and work things out, you will need to slowly lose it from your vocabulary, with regards to her anyway.

She doesn't like it? Well for now, tough s***!! She doesn't get to basically mentally abuse you by cheating, and get off easy in the short term. She needs to take her lumps for the time being until such time as you can move on and not let the idea of her with another man bother you so much.

Sal1995 posted 5/25/2013 16:40 PM

We are two weeks out sometimes it feels like everything is almost normal, other times I have to take a walk outside just to think.

Hopefulguy, I remember having brief feelings that things were almost normal in the first couple of weeks. You've recovered somewhat from the initial shock, and your mindset (if it is like mine was at 2 wks) is "ok, I still have my wife despite someone else's attempt to take her from me...I can survive this."

I'm only just past 3 months, but can tell you that normal won't happen for a long time, if ever. I went through a period of intense rage earlier this month, and it didn't start to subside until I wrote that open letter to my wife in the General forum a week or so back.

Right now you need to do what you need to do, short of physical abuse of your wife, of course. If calling a cheater a cheater is what you're feeling, then so be it. Your wife is learning a hard lesson that my wife has been learning over the past 3 months - there are consequences to bad behavior. If she doesn't want to be called a cheater, then she shouldn't have cheated. When you hit the anger stage (trust me), there are some names you will call her, or hopefully just be tempted to call her, that are much worse than "cheater."

Wishing you peace and healing.

stronger08 posted 5/26/2013 19:56 PM

Some of the words I threw at my XWW were much worse than cheater. So I know of what you speak. My difference is that my WS had no remorse. And that also added fuel to my anger fires. With that said what exactly is your plan here ? Is R on the horizon ? If that's the case you need to seriously sit down with yourself and ask if you can do it. R is not for the faint hearted. Mosey on down to the R forum and read. It takes much hard work to R. And it must be done by both partners.

Hearthache again posted 5/26/2013 20:06 PM

Being called a cheater at only 2 weeks post dday is very mild. She could have it a lot worse.

I called my WS every name in the book for a while post dday's. It was even worse on our 2nd dday. I was 5 months pregnant and having a very difficult pregnancy.

You sound like you are handling things very well.

I also second the job thing. That needs to be priority #1.

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