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Picking at the scab

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OptimisticWife posted 5/23/2013 12:26 PM

Why? I was doing good. We are doing good. We are very loving and affectionate towards each other and H is really trying. He's come a long way and is working hard on his issues.

Why am I picking at the scabs then? I just went through my laptop to find and read the FB chat I discovered in 2011 (1st dday) and now I just reactivated the old FB account I created to contact OW after my final dday. I guess I wanted to re-read her apology after reading the hurtful chat.

Why do I want to keep reliving the pain? Thankfully I have IC today.

[This message edited by OptimisticWife at 12:27 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

redrock posted 5/23/2013 18:04 PM

Over time you will pick it less and less. Especially if you two are moving in a positive direction.

You are not alone. I went through the call logs once near an antiversary. Not very helpful. When it is on your mind, sometimes you seek our confirmation of events. When it turns to more of an obsession then you develop a different strategy.

I put my evidence away for a long time. In a place that was not easy to access - on advice read here. I eventually burned it. I thought it would be a big ol' symbolic gesture. But it was more of a mess. Perhaps a more fitting end, anyway.

I hope your IC helped.

Sending hugs.

BeautifulEmpty posted 5/23/2013 18:28 PM

I'm not sure if this applies to you but it seems like many WS spend time trying to make the BS feel like they are 'just making things up' or 'crazy'. They also often try to convince the worried BS that their (real) fears are the point that the BS really feels crazy. I think picking at the scab helps to remind the BS that they weren't nuts at all. In some ways, while it hurts, it also strengthens. I mean, any BS who has gone through the 'you're crazy' thing and then been proven right will be less likely to ignore their gut if it ever shows up again, right?
Even if you didn't go through that, you were betrayed and probably lied to by the one person you would have never thought to very likely feels unreal sometimes that they did indeed betray you in a profound manner. Picking reminds you and strengthens you but one day, once you (and all of us) have learned the lesson of strength and listening to our instincts, you won't pick any will let it heal.
After that, if you do happen to look at those things again, they won't hurt in the same way but they will remind you to never get so lost in love with someone that you miss that you are the only one in the relationship.

OptimisticWife posted 5/23/2013 18:42 PM

Thank you so much for your replies. They were very reassuring. I really appreciate that.

Yes, I was made to feel I was going crazy. My H continue contact for two and a half months after my I first dday. Most of the damage was done (and it turned PA) in that time. He swore it was over and that he was NC basically on a daily basis. I kept digging up evidence that proved he was still lying but he would just deny and get angry. I felt like I was insane.
I guess the whole situation was unbelievable. I think I'm going through an acceptance phase. I guess I was testing myself to see how I would handle it all in the state of mind I'm in now. It still breaks my heart but I guess I'm ok.

Thanks again for your helpful replies

sri624 posted 5/24/2013 11:23 AM

i was just talking to my therapist about this...i do the same are not alone. she told me to stop torturing myself. i too was made to believe i was crazy after finding questionable emails to the ow. and of course he got angry. it is amazing how all that happend...i wanted to believe him..and even would feel guilty for not believing him back then..when the whole time he was lying. what an asshole, right?

so, i am going to try and not torture myself as much. often times i would stare at the picture of them together...i found his secret email account...and mailed him all the pictures of them together....he was mortified to say the least.

upon the advice of my ic, i have now deleted all of those is doing me no good...and hurts our attempts at r.

wantingtotrust posted 5/26/2013 10:24 AM

I have done the same thing too and alway feel like crap when I do. Lat time I looked at her fb she had a new pic of her in a nice convertible looking good and it really set me back. I have not gotten rid of all the " evidence" but I have it put away so I don't come across it accidentally.

rachelc posted 5/26/2013 11:33 AM

It's my opinion that when an IC tells you to stop torturing yourself they really don't understand how trauma works. From what I've read, Our brains go back there occasionally to try to make sense if what happened. Telling us to stop torturing ourselves makes it seem like we have a choice on putting the thoughts out if our heads. It makes it seem like we actually want to be there. We don't. It's normal to do this be kind to yourself as you heal from this. You are grieving. And therapists need to respect that.

OptimisticWife posted 5/26/2013 16:49 PM

In hindsight, I'm starting to agree with rachelc. I am thinking that going back and reading what I did was part of the process. I think it helped me gauge where I'm at right now.
In the past, their words would have stuck in my mind and I would be replaying them constantly in my head. After posting this topic, I found I was able to let it all go.
I realized that I am ok and that I can move past this.
I have learnt that my H was in a different state if mind when he said what he did to OW. he doesn't feel the same now. He has realized he never actually loved her at all. He loved the feeling he got from the ego stroking.
I have learnt how to put myself in the here and now and not stay stuck in the past. I feel that I've shown a lot of growth and perhaps acceptance and forgiveness too. I feel that I'm happy I picked at the scab now that I've had time to reflect on the outcome of having done so

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