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Should I tell the potential new woman in the OM's life?

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mrcpu posted 5/23/2013 12:37 PM

Quick background.
- OM is my ex-Best Friend of 30+ years
- OM's kid and my kids are good friends so there is a "modified" NC in place right now that allows our kids to stay friends. This is subject to change based on my emotions.

So last week my single neighbour expressed an interest in my xBF. She'd met him before the A of course and more recently seen him dropping his DD off at my place. At her request I gave her his cell number and they have been texting. She asked my WW about him and I told her some negative things about him being screwed up emotionally, but she didn't seem to be discouraged. They have been texting all week and she has told me that he has invited her to his place for a BBQ.

I am EXTREMELY tempted to disclose the A to my neighbour. My reasons are as follows:
- She seems like a nice person and I feel obligated to tell her what a fucking asshole he is.
- I don't want to see the fucker happy and I wish I hadn't given her his contact info.
- I don't want to have to lie to her about why we are turning down opportunities to get together as a group...which I can see becoming more and more common if they start dating.

Thoughts? (Please don't give me any blowback on the modified-NC. We love his DD and for now I'm OK with her being in our lives.

confused615 posted 5/23/2013 12:41 PM

Don't do it..chances are it won't change her mind about him,especially since you already tried to warn her. You have no idea who this neighbor may tell...if you tell her,your wife's affair may become the talk of the neighborhood.

ETA: If she does try and get all of you together,politely refuse. If she persists tell her honestly...the problem isn't's him..and that while his DD is welcome in your life,he is not.

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:43 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

hardtimesinlife posted 5/23/2013 12:44 PM

Kind of too late now that you gave her the info. Maybe you could just tell her that he screwed you over so you don't want to hang as friends. If she pushes you can give more detail.

mrcpu posted 6/10/2013 08:39 AM

So on the weekend I was chatting with a neighbour (not the one the OM is now dating), and I found out that my WW told her that the reason I don't hang out with my "best friend" anymore is because her and him were "behaving badly" last year. Since the cat is out of the bag I decided to elaborate a bit and explained that it was a full blown affair.

I know that this woman and the neighbour who is dating my ex-Best Friend are pretty close so it will be interesting to see if she tells her.

You might be asking "What do you care?". Well part of me doesn't want to see my neighbour get hurt, but she is a big girl and I did try to warn her.

Oh well

mrcpu posted 7/10/2013 15:39 PM

Well the OM and my neighbour are in full swing in their relationship. It sucks on one hand because he is showing up 3 doors down from me on a regular basis. I've spoken to him and her politely when I've needed to but generally I just ignore him when he is there. The odd thing is that my neighbour and I seem to be able to chat when he isn't around but when he is she doesn't even make eye contact with me. Not sure what that's all about but whatever! :-)

The good side of this is that IF, in bizarre twist of the universe, my wife and him started messing around, I've got a "second pair of eyes"... but the truth is, I chose to believe my wife 100% that she feels it was a huge, horrible mistake and she doesn't feel like that for the guy and that her feelings were infatuation caused by his attentions when she was at a low point. She seems to have learned from her mistake and is remorseful.

Of course, if I ever did find out about her and him doing anything again, that would be the end of it. I'd throw her shit out on the front lawn and change the locks. ;-)

doesitgetbetter posted 7/10/2013 16:07 PM

I really hate to swing it mrcpu, but you totally brought this one on yourself. What on earth possessed you to give his number to her? And then when she starts dating him, you get upset and want to let her know what she's in for? Sooooo backwards. You should have said "I don't have that lying cheating SOB's number" when she asked you for it the first time and dropped it. She would have likely run away at that point, but after having been taken in by his charm for a few weeks, she doesn't care what you have to say about it.

Big backfire there, and you held the match. Now OM will be showing up 3 doors down from your home at the worst possible times making your life miserable and affecting your R with WW. Proximity to AP is almost always a huge issue after infidelity. Too late to do anything now, but please, for goodness sake, take better care of yourself in the future.

RidingHealingRd posted 7/10/2013 20:17 PM

What on earth possessed you to give his number to her?

My thought as well.

I do not think it is too late to let her know the type of person she is getting involved with. I absolutely would want someone to give me that *heads up*

I would approach her and let her know that she caught you off guard and you regret ever giving her his number without also giving her the facts on what type of person he that completely lacks integrity.

OM is my ex-Best Friend of 30+ years

^^^Wow, what a complete asshole. Sadly, he was never your friend. Friends don't shit all over one another.

mrcpu posted 7/11/2013 07:11 AM

Yes, I realized after I did it it was a big screwup.

The reason I gave her the number in the first place was because she asked, and she knew he was my friend for a long time, and I did not think of a good excuse why not to give her his number.

At the time the idea of disclosing to her the marital problems my wife and I were having to avoid giving her his number seems like a bad idea.

RockyMtn posted 7/11/2013 07:20 AM

Yea, it was dumb to give her the number.

However, she would've gotten it anyway, somehow. It sounds like your 'hood is pretty tight knit. Plus, she sees him all the time. No way, no how she wouldn't have made the connection in due time on her own. It's not like phone numbers are hard to get and OM is certainly NOT hard to get. You are not the reason they are together - they are.

I'd just ignore at this point.

confused615 posted 7/11/2013 07:24 AM

It's odd that she won't acknowledge you in any way when he's around. It makes me wonder what he has told her.

mrcpu posted 7/11/2013 09:24 AM

It's odd that she won't acknowledge you in any way when he's around. It makes me wonder what he has told her.

I'm not sure what he could have told her, except that I wasn't paying a lot of attention to my wife. From everything I read (over 400 messages) she never told him that I was a bad husband, she just claimed to be lonely because I was out volunteering all the time (NOT MAKING EXCUSES FOR HER. JUST RE-ITERATING WHAT THEY SAID TO EACH OTHER).

I get the impression from the way he acts toward me that he is ashamed of what he did. He doesn't come across as "it's your fault" or anything like that. He just seems very sad whenever we bump into each other. I have a feeling that, maybe he just told her what a horrible mistake he made and that she is "ashamed by proxy" for him.

Who knows. As for affecting the R, it doesn't help, but the fact that I have a 30 year history with the guy means that I can NEVER get rid of him. Sure, I could move an never see him again but I have 100's of stories from my life that involve him. It's like getting divorced after a 30 year marriage, your ex will always have some impact in your life.

If he was a stranger who I didn't know or didn't have a friendship with and my wife had an affair with him then it would have been different. Firstly, if he didn't know I was married then it wouldn't have been his fault, but his fucker stood beside me on my wedding day!

Anyway, over all our marriage is slowly recovering. I have my moments and sometimes things just piss me off but my WW is showing true remorse and that's all I can ask.

sportsfan posted 7/11/2013 09:39 AM

If he wasn't seeing her he'd be seeing someone else. You'd be seeing him happy regardless of who he's dating. You're going to get used to seeing him happy with somebody at some point - I hope that point in time comes soon for you. There are some things you can control - this one you can't. Hang in there ...

SecondHelping posted 7/11/2013 12:44 PM

mrcpu, I don't know how you can stand to see this OM every day and not go bazerk. I have not seen the my fWW OM yet in person. If I do I fear I'll hit the f*&Ker. He's a cop, so I'll probably get arrested!

[This message edited by SecondHelping at 12:45 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]

mrcpu posted 7/30/2013 11:34 AM

So this is turning into a crazy soap opera!

My WW decided she needed to get it off her chest and tell my ex-BestFriend's (soon to be divorced) ex-wife about the affair. She felt she had to because the OM's ex-wife didn't know what was up and was coming to us from time to time asking us to watch their daughter.

The conversation went well and much to my chagrin, his ex-wife is now livid with him. She can't believe he would do that to me. She also suspected he cheated on her during their marriage so I decided to confirm some of her suspicions and told her about him telling me that he'd had the occasional ONS while travelling. I also gave her a hug and apologized for ever thinking it was HER fault that their marriage ended.

I've got some schadenfreude going on right now because she as decided to go for the full amount of support she is entitled to AND 100% custody of his daughter and move her an hour away.

To be honest, the main catalyst for her decision to SCREW HIM in the divorce was because it turns out our neighbor said some things that made her feel they were conspiring to go for 100% custody of his daughter.

Anyway... I'm actually glad my WW told the OM's xW and I'm hoping that he get's FUCKED big time in the divorce. The only thing I hate to see is his daughter suffer... but the truth is, he is a controlling psychopath who even lied about being suicidal to get my wife into bed so I can honestly say his daughter needs a better environment to grow up in.

mrcpu posted 7/30/2013 11:35 AM

One other thing....

I tried forgiveness. It was too painful. Then I discovered that if I embraced my HATRED for the OM I felt WAY better!!!!

BeyondBreaking posted 7/30/2013 11:42 AM

I wouldn't volunteer the information unless she attempts to get everyone together as a group.

Don't volunteer it, but don't hide it either.

She is going to make her own decisions about who to date or not. That's her business, not yours. Now, if she tries to bring him into your life, that is when you say, "To be honest, I do not want to do group things with this man. He had an affair with my wife, and we are healing from that. He and I are not friends anymore, and he is not welcome in my life anymore." The end.

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