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sinking into panic - sex, orgasms, age and confusion and pain

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TheAgonyOfIt posted 5/23/2013 13:04 PM

hi. have to shower get ready for first MC. WS returned last night after 4 day trip to see his kids out of state. We've been having HB sex, i've been on a crazy emotional rollercoaster from the completely nearly non functioning to okay, i can handle this, i can do this, it's going to be okay. Today I am down, way down, couldn't get out of bed down, maybe in depression stage down and now i'm panicked and anxiety is all throughout my body. i am thin, underfed and feel like i'm going to shake.

My first husband couldn't deal with the fact that i'm unable to orgasm during sex. i love sex, am a creative and passionate lover but i can't get there. it was a huge, huge issue for him. going into relationship with my now WS, he knew that; he told me 100x it didn't matter to him. well last night when we were talking i started talking about how his OW could orgasm, i think possible with multiple, and he asked me if i'd like to try to orgasm with him. i think this is what sent me into a panic depression because for whatever reason I don't think i can and i thought he was okay with that and to find out that the orgasm thing with his OW was a huge highlights, well i DO understand it but it's killing me as well. This is so humiliating and embarrasing that i am defective in this way. i thought i was enough for him the way i was and now i find out that he was lying to protect me and maybe was even satified until he discovered the multiorgasmic woman and that sort of sex. i am embarrassed to talk about this as if i'll forver be thought of as frigid here; i am really not, except in the technical sense. i don't know what sort of responses i'm going to get; surely there are men here who also cannot deal with a woman who cannot orgasm during sex. anyway, first MC meeting in 1.5 hours, for one hour only and then she goes on vacation for 3 weeks. i don't even know how i'm going to drive. i'm just so unsteady and feel ill.

also i'm 48 and i'm at that age when i'm starting to change. obviously grey hairs and thinner skin, not as toned, just not young anymore. still attractive, i have a great body (even if i'm toooo thin right now), but im' just going to get older and bodies do what they do and I feel like i'm just going to get older and less attractive etc. and all that is true, but some marriages grow old together. okay, i can't really explain, and i have to get ready. i am a mess today! yesterday i was doing great! damm rollercoaster!

[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 1:06 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

anv5 posted 5/23/2013 13:09 PM

I am so sorry I wish I could help but I don't know what to say other than Please do not in anyway take this on as your fault...I can have multiple orgasms & it didn't stop my WS from looking so please know it is THEM NOT US! You are not defective

hopingforhappy posted 5/23/2013 13:23 PM

OW have an uncanny way of knowing what will draw a WS in. My FWH prides himself on his ability to bring a woman to O. I am sure that OW presented herself as multi-orgasmic and I am equally sure that she was faking it all the way. It was all a nice little show to feed my FWH's ego and the same is probably true of the OW in your case.

Please do not put any of this on yourself. Your WH's A was not about anything lacking in you, it was about things that are lacking in him. This is easy to say, but so hard to believe, but give yourself some time and you will see that it is true. Your MC should be able to help you with this. I hope that you find them to be helpful.

Hopefulguy posted 5/23/2013 13:24 PM

I am so sorry I don't know if you want a guys perspective on this but while it may be difficult for your man to engage in sex where he achieves orgasm and you do not - in the he might feel like a selfish or unskilled lover perhaps it can affect ego - but this feelings should compel him to work with YOU not go find someone else.

If I am right about how he may have felt that was absolutely not justification to prove those feelings true by committing the most selfish act possible by threatening your relationship by cheating.

And don't even let him try to compare the honeymoon stage of an affair with the love and devotion you provided him all those years.

Orgasms last seconds, devotion should have been eternal. If anything you should look I'm in the eyes and ask him if it was worth it.

Tred posted 5/23/2013 13:28 PM

Orgasms last seconds, devotion should have been eternal.

That pretty much sums it up. There are couples who face bigger challenges and don't cheat - if he is that shallow, would you trust him not to cheat if you were disabled and couldn't have sex at all?

tushnurse posted 5/23/2013 14:42 PM


We all beat ourselves up for one thing or another. Like the other posters have said this is not your fault.

Now on a Nursing/scientific note, are you/have you always been unable to orgasm in any way? Or just through penatrative sex? If it's just sex, no big whoop. You are not even close to being alone on that one. If you are unable to orgasm at all, then I would explore that if I were you. I would go to your local adult store, and purchase some toys (the ones that vibrate), and some Lube, good lube is essential, and go home and experiment. No pressure, just you alone, locked in your bedroom. If you can start to make yourself orgasm that way then you can build on it.

I too had a difficult time with O's after childbirth. Sex was a burden, because I really didn't get much out of it, and was always thinking of the next 20 things I needed to do (the joys of ADHD). My H was ok with that, and we did taper off on the frequency of sex for quite some time. Then he started buying me toys, and encouraging me to pleasure myself. Well lets just say it took time, but now he has a monster on his hands.

Try not to pressure yourself. Try to remember the most sexual organ any of us have is our mind.

Oh and this first MC don't sweat it. It is more of a meet and greet thing. No real progress is accomplished.

((((and strength)))))

Mack25 posted 5/23/2013 22:06 PM

Only 25% of women can have an orgasm with penetrative you are in the majority. Are you able to have ogasms by yourself, manual, oral?

RightTrack posted 5/23/2013 23:53 PM

I have NO problem with O's, multiple O's. It' a little too easy and sometimes it happens early and then I'm DONE. Of course WH went out to find himself the MOW who couldn't have one. He felt like he was helping her, like a sex therapist I guess. The grass is always greener??

savvy posted 5/24/2013 01:24 AM

The other posters are right this is in No way your fault! It's him that's at fault don't beat yourself up! I am 49 and know what you mean about bodies changing except I'm too heavy. Of course now I'm loosing from not eating. But couples should grow older together, after all their bodies get older too!
((( hugs)))

Laura28 posted 5/24/2013 03:56 AM

Hi honey

Sweetie don't let this get to you.

You are so overwhelmed with grief you are not thinking straight.

Back to basics:

1. Cheaters lie.
2. AP's will try every trick in the book to hook the WS.
3. Porn star sex is a REQUIREMENT of affair sex otherwise why would you bother??

So of course the OW was multi-orgasmic. What OW worth her salt wouldn't be?

What struck me was the honesty of your post. That is what real relationships are about.

Sex with our spouse shouldn't be about score keeping - it should be an intimate act of love where the "score" is irrelevant.

Affair with a porn star supposedly multi-orgasmic partner is a fantasy that sadly your stupid WS and so many other WSs buy into.

Dumbfuckery on the part of both the WS and the AP.

HUGS honey


sailorgirl posted 5/24/2013 17:00 PM

My heart hurts for you because I know that "what's wrong with me" BS feeling!

It's not you. HIS deficiencies lead to the A. I had an orgasm every time WH and I had sex . . . and sometimes more than once. That did not matter because the cheating came out of WH's inner damage. It had nothing to do with me or our sex life.

Even more bonkers, OW was silent and unresponsive during sex (not at all the porn star OW). It was mechanical, vanilla sex. Yet still, WH went back for more for 17 months.

Take care of your sweet self, Agony! Drink some milkshakes and maybe try yoga or meditation?

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 5:01 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

lovehurtstomuch posted 5/24/2013 21:04 PM

After having kids it was also hard for me to orgasm thru intercourse. Sex became mundane, WH would get tired of trying. It would also hurt when he went in deep and hard. Plus it was hard to get into it with kids in the other room, worrying about whatever is on your mind, and I was always insecure with my breast and stomach after having kids.

WH mentioned with the other woman he didn't care if she orgasm or not, didnt care if he was hurting her. She only orgasm twice during there long affair. It was all about him getting off apparently. He hated the look on my face when it was hurting me. I asked the OW why she would let him do this to her and get nothing out of it. She was giving him bjs every week. She said she liked it that way and was falling for him. This woman was engaged to another man.

Bottom line, they are selfish and did it cause it felt good. Gives them a ego boost when someone else gives them attention. After the affair, we went and bought toys. There are other ways to orgasm. They wk great, so does hands on.

standinghere posted 5/25/2013 02:42 AM

Affairs are about broken people doing broken things to those that love them.

Not about the person who loves them.

My wife WAS unable to orgasm at all, no matter what I did, or didn't do, and she didn't fake it.

She simply refused to talk about it, and intimated that she was doing well, but nothing I saw indicated any type of orgasmic response or effect with sexual activity.

We had sex a fair amount at first, but not what I would have liked, but after children it dropped to nothing until she wanted to have another child, as soon as the test was positive she stopped almost completely. Said she didn't care for sex that much.

Yes, I often wished that I was with an orgasmic partner, you have to realize she never had orgasms and this included with herself, and had plenty of opportunity to cheat or to leave. But, I was patient because I truly loved her, for 18 years, I was encouraging, I was understanding, and I was not critical of her body or her ability.

Who cheated? She did - had done so 9 years into our marriage.

Did she have orgasms? No. Was it exciting? Yes, but it quickly petered out to nothing more than "go out and get fucked by OM and go back to regular life". Was it me, was it him? No, turns out that she'd probably had around 200 sexual partners before she met me, many random, some were pure and simple rapes, been married, divorced, and never once had she had a single orgasm before.

Was she "broken" because she couldn't orgasm? NO!

Did her lack of ability to orgasm give me reason to cheat? NO! I could have left, I didn't have to cheat.

She was broken and couldn't orgasm because of it, couldn't enjoy sex because of it (unless it was forbidden which is where the cheating came in), and sex with someone who was close to her brought up to many fearful issues. It was only when she began to work on the problems she had psychologically that she was able to overcome this. 18 years into this marriage she agreed to go back to counseling, told about her abuse history, eventually confessed the affair, and I kid you not she began having orgasms 1 week later, even before we actually got to the marital counselors office.

Does this apply to you? I don't know, but it applies to your husband. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR CHEATING.

sodamnlost posted 5/26/2013 09:05 AM

I am so sorry. It's so hard to compare yourself. It has nothing to do with if you can O or not though. I am multi-orgasmic, Ocavan count on one hand the men who have made her O and WH wasn't one of them. My WH still slept with her.

TheAgonyOfIt posted 5/26/2013 16:22 PM

Thank you so much everyone. WS knows how much I enjoy sex with him. I just can't O. I think it's because my first lover was my best friends brother and we did it in secret while she was asleep (I was 15, please have mercy); anyway, my first sexual experience and i was always fearful, always listening for her to wake up and discover us. Somehow the O channel got turned off.

I can O on my own sometimes through fantasy. But rarely. But the days of trying to "work" to make it happen during sex, well it just totally pressures me and destroys the whole experience for me. Because it becomes all about the destination, not the journey.

It would be nice though. Thanks all.

Jospehine85 posted 5/27/2013 23:56 PM

WH's MOW had him convinced she could orgasm just looking at his picture. Yeah right.

He sees the foolishness of it now.

The chances are FAR greater that your WH's OW was putting on a show than the chances are that she was so easily and always multi-orgasmic

Agony, if you are enjoying yourself while you are having sex that is all that matters.

If your WH can't enjoy sex unless you have an orgasm, HE has a problem.

ladies_first posted 5/28/2013 09:29 AM

WH's MOW had him convinced she could orgasm just looking at his picture. Yeah right.

I once had a torrid (non-affair)relationship with a man from another country ... a long, expensive plane ride away destination. Just looking at his pic could, indeed, make me come. *sigh*

The biggest sex organ is your brain. Careful how you train it to respond ... intermittent rewards are powerful.

and he asked me if i'd like to try to orgasm with him.
Ask him if he's willing to pleasure you, with or without O. Like you say, make it about the journey, not the destination. Try massage. Oral stimulation. Manual stimulation. Adult Toy stimulation. Experiment. Have fun.
i'm 48 and i'm at that age when i'm starting to change.
None of us are getting any younger ... we just have to make the most of the body, and time, given to us.

stillcrying4ever posted 5/28/2013 12:13 PM

Because of your age your hormones may have dropped dramatically. Get them tested. Estrogen, testosterone, and progesterone. All important! I see a naturopath. She helped me when no one else could.

Want2help posted 5/28/2013 23:10 PM

I'm currently taking a college Sex Ed class (required for my degree).

We just learned that 70% of women do not orgasm from penetrative sex. 70%!

I didn't until I was almost 30 (after 16 years of having sex, I started even earlier than you). I was faking it up until then.

OW, on the other hand, I have read her emails where she claims to have multiple orgasms--22 in one encounter, in fact (not with my FWH). Like someone said above, cheater's LIE. They tell each other stories to stroke one another's egos. Period.

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