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I know she hurts but I hurt just as much.

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25hurt16 posted 5/23/2013 14:51 PM

I am new here. I know what I have done. I think I know why and only have myself to blame. My wife says she may be responsible and may have pushed me to this but at the end I am responsible for my own actions. I have been reading a lot lately and recently found this site. It is truly a savior. I have read many post and have learned a lot from them. Both perspectives and mainly what they are feeling. I am truly sorry and regret the pain I have caused her, my kids, my parents, my in-laws and any other person who has found out. I hate myself the most.

DDay was 2/27/2013. That day will always be my hell.

Story: Since summer 2012 I noticed that we were becoming a bit distant. After 17 years together and 12+ married I wanted to still have the romance and spark that we had day one. I know things settle but I was not accepting. We fought a few times and finally around September I said I would wait after a big fight. Around the next month someone at work was being flirtatious and we started talking which led to kissing and then more and more of the same. It never went further than that but became more and more emotional. We went to lunch once and we spoke about many what-if's. She was in a relationship and found out in mid Feb that she was pregnant with that man. Great, it was my awakening and way out. Also she was leaving the office to another job. Perfect. But I kept the contact going and even though in my mind it was over the contact continued. I said some things I regret to her out of niceness and that is when DDAY occurred. She saw the emails and chat.
Once caught I came clean and explained everything. I worked from home for the remaining time till she left and subsequently left that job for a new one. I wanted to break all contact and possible future contact. I have been contact free since then and have honestly developed a hate for this person. Meaning I truly feel confident that even if there is a chance to run into this person I would be OK to just walk away and ignore.
First month was hell at home and kids were seeing the pain in our faces. We started acting normalish around them but it was not all happy times at all.
I thought after initial month that things were getting better between wife and I. About a month ago she said that she was miserable, only together for the kids (6 and 3). If not she would be out. I understand this now. She wanted to start to feel better about herself. She started a gym membership, buying clothes and lastly going out with friends. I accepted but soon began to try and put rules and question things. I was quickly corrected and now have to be accommodating and grateful that I still am at home sharing minor times.
Lastly she has mentioned after heated fights this past weekend that to her she is not married and considers herself seperated and whatever happens happens. I fight this but what am I to do.

Now I fear that she will do the same to me and that I will end up more hurt than her. I hate that I did this to her. I am a good person and good father. I think I have been a good husband all these years. She agrees that I am a good person overall who did a shitty thing but I know she dislikes me a lot right now.

I am at a loss right now and do not know what to do, how to feel, how to act, nothing. I want to save the marriage, I want to be together, I want to grow old together and take care of each other. I do not want to be alone and I do not want her to leave me for someone else. I am willing to do all the things she wants to help her but I fear the worst.

She mentions that she needs to find herself, fix herself and then figure out if she wants to fix us.

I am scared,

BaxtersBFF posted 5/23/2013 15:03 PM

Welcome to SI.

You are allowed to have boundaries. If she wants a separation then some grou nd rules need to be agreed upon.

Does she know about SI?

LA44 posted 5/23/2013 15:17 PM

Hello25hurt16. I am a BS - please send your wife here for support. I am not going to get on you for the "I hurt as much as she does" bit. Believe me, you will look back at this statement a 3/6/12 months from now and shake your head that you even wrote it. There is nothing worse then being betrayed by your spouse. Nothing.

Please read as much as you can in order to understand what she is feeling and how you can help her and how you can help you too. The Healing Library is well stocked with good info. to get you started.

I realize this is all still fresh for you but the sooner you start, the H bought and read After the Affair by Janis A Spring bc like you, he did NOT want our marriage to end. That was hard for me to understand after what he did -and for so long. I read the book too. The author has a very good understanding of BOTH parties. She writes with common sense.

We are almost 6 months from D-Day. My H was convinced that during his two year affair that he was a great dad and good H. Fast forward to today...the webs are clearing and he really "gets" how nave, arrogant, idiotic his thoughts were back then. How, instead of talking to me about how he was feeling/deepest fears/needs/etc., he bailed. And how he was distracted with me and our boys.

I am holding myself accountable for my bad behavior in our relationship. I didn't like who I was becoming - mostly an angry, poor-me type. But I do not share in the responsibility for his affair. My H has OWNED his behavior from moment one. His remorse has always been on the table in words and actions. Like I said, he is doing the work and the cobwebs/fog is clearing.

Do the reading, keep talking to one another. Try to do it when the kids are asleep. We put on a great face for them but....they can sense trouble that's for sure.

Good luck to you both.

[This message edited by LA44 at 3:19 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

20WrongsVs1 posted 5/23/2013 15:27 PM

BH and I used to joke about how if a woman started losing weight, exercising, and buying new clothes--she either just got divorced or is having an affair. (Not so funny now.) But when she does that, and says this:

to her she is not married and considers herself separated and whatever happens happens.

Holy red flag!

I fight this but what am I to do.

Talk to your wife. Keep talking. You are perfectly within your rights to tell her that, when/if she wants to pursue a relationship outside your marriage--you two should first agree to end the marriage. You do not have to wait for, and accept, her having an RA (revenge affair).

Have you suggested MC (marriage counseling)?

We WW also cite as the reason for an A that we:

wanted to still have the romance and spark that we had day one

Are you recreating that romance and spark at home, now? Could you do more? Flowers and small gifts for no reason, opening doors for her, telling her how beautiful she is? What an amazing mom she is? How hard she works taking care of everyone? How thankful you are that she is staying with you, and working on your M together, despite your betrayal?

Not blaming you. If your BW resists MC or continues to talk like that...then you two should maybe discuss an actual separation.

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 5/23/2013 15:49 PM

I too am a BW and won't touch the title of this'll get it, some day.

What are you doing to SHOW your wife you want to be with her? Not tell her, but SHOW her.

You say you thought things were getting better after the first month or so- why? What were you DOING to make things better? Were you in counseling? Were you transparent? Accountable for your time? ACTIONS speak louder than words.

Finally, just as as aside, I too, after D-day was working out a lot more, shopped and had dinners with girlfriends. I wasn't doing anything wrong, but I needed to destress and breathe.

25hurt16 posted 5/23/2013 16:23 PM

Thank you all for the replys. I know my title is wrong. I have read other posts that describe the hurt the BS is experiencing. I know nothing compares.

At first we talked about getting help and working things out. I do everything I can to help her and the kids. I am super attentive to her needs and am completely transparent. She sees that and appreciates it.

She does not know about SI and right now she does not want to do MC right now.

I have tried to do the right things to show my love but she thinks many times they are fake. She is hurt and wants to feel good about herself. I crushed her and she needs to heal. I understand that. I trust her that what she wants is to feel good about herself and hopefully gain back what we had. I believe there is a chance and that by letting her go a bit she will realize what we have is special.

For now I am trying to be the best I can be to my kids and my family. Both for my sanity and to prove no not prove assure her that I am still a good person.

hardlessons posted 5/23/2013 20:07 PM

25, why was the title wrong? Because you got called out on it? You meant what you said.

Helping out around the house and with the kids is what your Supposed to be doing regardless, so what are you doing to find out why you did what you did?

LA44 posted 5/23/2013 20:24 PM

25: hardlessons is right. Find out WHY you did it. Let her know you are determined to figure it out.

KeepCalm is also spot on: SHOW her. Maybe she thinks you are faking it now but if you keep it up, be consistent and are genuine in your remorse, she will see the man she fell in love with.

At some point, she will need to face the situation head on but maybe she is afraid to take the chance right now.

At one month in, we had just gotten the kids back to school from Christmas break. My anger was on the table, was sad every day. But bc he was speaking and acting remorsefully, I felt I could keep going one day/time.

BaxtersBFF posted 5/23/2013 20:32 PM

No, the pain of a BS doesn't compare to the pain of a WS, but that doesn't mean you don't feel it. Just don't try to equate the two. They are different. Don't let people tell you that you shouldn't feel pain.

As to your BW's actions and words, they are troubling. You don't have to accommodate shit. If she is going out with friends, you have a right to know where and with who unless she is has said that your are definitely separated. There is none of this "you have to take whatever because you cheated" stuff. There is doing things to feel good about yourself, and then there is doing things to look better and getting your good feeling from others who compliment you.

I'm not excusing what you did, and you have a lot of work to do because it just wasn't that someone was flirty with you. There is going to be something deeper than that (most likely). But you don't have to lay down and just accept behavior that sends up red flags. the behaviors you describe regarding your BW are commonly referred to as the slippery slope here on SI. She might not be doing anything, but without clear boundaries and specific communication, then you can't just accept things at face value.

I'm not sure if this makes any sense to you yet. Just hold on, read, listen, realize that you do have some rights here.

Catwoman posted 5/23/2013 21:29 PM

Why doesn't she feel safe enough in the marriage and with you to engage in MC? That, to me, is troubling.

If she is not feeling safe in the marriage (emotionally), MC will not be helpful. Likewise, if she doesn't feel safe enough to entrust her feelings to you, MC will not work.

I personally believe MC is a huge part of any reconciliation effort. Both parties need to engage fully in order for it to work.


FeelingSoMuch posted 5/23/2013 22:27 PM

I'm a BH. Here's what's helping me.

For every 100 "I'm sorrys," one registers. Say it often, eventually two out of 100 will register. Then three and so on until they all register.

Same with "I love yous."

Push for both MC and IC.

Suggest SI to her.

You're going to have to endure her anger at you. Be kind, always.

Accept that an A might be a deal breaker for her. Best you can do is ask for a chance to show you're worth going through R. Then do everything you can to be the best H you can be. She'll go through ups and downs. Mostly downs at first. If you ever give up you will lose her.

As a first step, you might want to write an "amends letter."

Be specific in your apologies. If you're not sincere, she'll know.

Stay strong.

Hearthache again posted 5/24/2013 00:13 AM

Lastly she has mentioned after heated fights this past weekend that to her she is not married and considers herself seperated and whatever happens happens. I fight this but what am I to do.

This is not fair to you. I was behind your BS until I saw this. If she wants to be separated she has every right, but cohabitation and raising children together you guys need to set boundaries and expectations.

Please have a little compassion towards your BS. She has been through a lot. While her actions are not great, I bet she is trying the best she can at dealing with this horrible situation. This does not mean you have to just stick around while she treats you like crap. If you are to R all of this behavior she is doing needs to be addressed.

idiot85 posted 5/24/2013 04:15 AM

Someone said it's like comparing feeling ill from someone poisoning you and the other person having a hangover after a big night. Meh.

I personally take comfort seeing my wife working on herself, I don't always show it though- maybe your wife will think the same.

Fair's fair and you can still have certain boundaries- I can do what I want because I haven't cheated but, me having an A would never be on the table. I wouldn't say I felt separated- could she just be saying it out of anger though?

curiouswiz posted 5/24/2013 07:38 AM

Please do your very best to introduce her to SI. It's got the healing powers she desperately needs right now.

I want you to know that the pain is enough to put you on the floor. It can kill. It's such a terrible pain that it can not be described, CAN NOT ever be put into words. There are no words to convey it. The shock of such pain is as confusing as any other part of the affair.

Please do your utmost to have her read here. If she needs to have it be anonymous let her do that. She may want to vent privately and not have you see what she's written. This site is a life saver and a marriage saver if both are willing to commit to try.

25hurt16 posted 5/24/2013 07:40 AM

Thanks again for the replys. Many are helping me understand and deal with the issues. I never imagined myself in this situation. I always believed in my vows and forever faithful. I am looking deep into my soul and finding the why's and what's. I am going to look for counseling for me to start and go from there.

I do have to take things day by day and know and understand that 95% of the reactions I get from her are from pain, disbelief and anger. This is still fresh in her mind.

We talked yesterday about many things and we actually communicated in peace. I hope many more of these are in our future. She was feeling down before this happened and then this made her feel worse, like the world crumbled on her. I am giving her the space and attention she needs.

I actually thought that she was repulsed by my actions of forgiveness (the constant sorrys) and love (the I Love You's) but no she really does like them even though her actions don't show it. So I am following what has been suggested here on SI.

Like I said, she says things but what she wants is to feel good about herself and I get that. I promised to be by her side and be there when she is ready. I give thanks everyday that I am home with the kids and her. I always put my best foot forward to show her that I am good and what we had is still there and will be there till eternity.

luv_lost posted 5/24/2013 09:05 AM

I feel compelled to drop my two cents on this topic. BW here btw. Ok, 25hurt16, I get your BS. I do. She sounds alot like how I am right now. I want to shed some light on why I am like that and why I do/say some of the things to my WH.

About a month ago she said that she was miserable, only together for the kids (6 and 3). If not she would be out. I understand this now. She wanted to start to feel better about herself. She started a gym membership, buying clothes and lastly going out with friends. I accepted but soon began to try and put rules and question things. I was quickly corrected and now have to be accommodating and grateful that I still am at home sharing minor times.

I get this, I'm there. Why am I still "with" my WH? 80% is because of the kids. 20% is the hope that he will keep his word, recommit to our M and the vows we took. Of course, I don't tell him that. Why? Because after DDay I felt so broken, so taken advantage of and taken for granted, and the lies, ugh that's the worst part. I don't trust words anymore. Now, to me, actions speak louder than words and the action of me allowing him to continue to live under the same roof as me and the kids, even though he broke my heart, shows that 20% part.

I am trying to do more things on my own and get out more because prior to DDay, we were inseparable. Seriously, he was my best friend. I truly enjoyed his company and just being together. Now, besides my heart being broken, my self-esteem was shattered. I want to feel good about myself again. A RA or even attention from other men is the LAST thing on my mind. Honestly, I don't think I could trust anyone enough to let them get close to me in ANY way. Right now, it's about me, making myself feel better because I know no one else is going to do it for me.

As far as boundaries go, my WH has no right to set any by me. I did not cheat. I kept to my vows. I have sense enough to know right from wrong. He has no reason to distrust me and needs to show me that. If he was thinking I'm going to go out and say have a RA to get even, then to me, he does not know me AT ALL. And that hurts. Trust your BS.

Lastly she has mentioned after heated fights this past weekend that to her she is not married and considers herself seperated and whatever happens happens. I fight this but what am I to do.

I'm sorry but I don't get the hype over this statement. I see no red flags. 25hurt16 stated this was said "during a heated argument" - fuck I've said all kinds of shit to my WH during heated arguments! I told him I thought he was a POS, he was nothing but a liar, I hated him, he chose a slut over his wife and kids, I told him I don't consider us married too, etc etc....oh gosh I went on! What the WS's did to us hurts and some of us have to rage and get it out or else we will continue to keep holding it in until it eats away at us.

What did my WH do when I told him all of this? He put his head down, said "you're right, but I am still YOUR husband, I am married to you. I am going to do everything to try to help you heal, to fix our M, this is my task, not yours."

damn skippy it is! That is also why I said NO to MC. I told him that I would not go as the problem is his, not mine. Yeah this is tough, but I look at it as tough love. I held this M and relationship together for the past 9 years...I did the work through all his bullshit, I tried and now it's his turn.

What I did tell him is I would consider going in the future. Once he gets himself and his shit together, until then, what's the point for the BS?

I'm at tough love or no love I guess - either put up or shut up.

I wish you and your BW the best and seriously, trust her, SHOW her through actions you are in this for the long haul. You can do it!!!!

cindee posted 5/24/2013 09:29 AM

BS here. I'm going to chime in b/c your post is so familiar to me. Let me say, I am no expert on this, but SI has kept me sane for the past year and a half.
My fWH had an EA with a co-worker. One kiss was all that was exchanged, a couple nights spent on her couch. Before this happened to me personally, I would have pooh-poohed it. Now I live with the pain of betrayal daily. It leaves fear and doubt in our minds.
To me, IMO, your wife is hurting bad, feeling not good enough, and acting out b/c of it. I have thought of going to the local watering hole, dressed to the nines, just to see what attention I might receive. Thankfully, I haven't. Your W is getting this affirmation from her friends. Give her time. And keep letting her know you want your marriage. I wish you well...

25hurt16 posted 5/24/2013 10:44 AM

cindee and luv_lost. You guys have explained what she is going through. I don't want this but I understand how she feels. Knowing others have felt the same makes sense and puts things into perspective. I trust and talk to her so I believe a lot of this heat of the moment. Like I said I have to learn to be patient and take things day by day. I truly believe we are both in this for the long haul and time will tell the future.

I have told her I am here to support her and be here when she is ready.

The MC and IC on her part is exactly what was said. Right now it is not what she wants and it is all on me. I fucked up so I need to help first. Once she sees this effort on my part she will turn and I know it will progress.

I thank all for the great insight and will keep reading to better learn. I truly believe that we will both come out stronger after this. I am not giving up and like a friend of mine told me. As long as one is still holding on and fighting for the marriage there is still hope.

luv_lost posted 5/24/2013 12:35 PM

25hurt16, I'm really hopeful for you and your wife! You seem truly remorseful and have genuine positive intentions!

I went back and re-read my post and apologize if it came across as a bit bitchy/preachy. But hey, I am a BS and it's one of my traits right now Just wanted to provide a little insight into what your BS's mindset might be at those times. I'm glad it helped a bit.

hopefulmother posted 5/24/2013 13:27 PM

She needs her self-worth and image to be brought back up. You can't imagine what your H having an A does to your self-confidence. She is now looking for outside sources to boost her ego, because she doesn't trust your opinion. After all, how could she? You had an A. No matter what you say, she will always question you now. Because to us BS-how can you truly love someone you were so willing to hurt for a bit of fun.

Direct her here. She also sounds like she needs IC. It is early in R, she may be moving to the phase where she is no longer desperately trying to save the M. But, instead wondering if you are worth it. She may realize she deserves better than this.

Now, you need to step up your game and really show her. Remind her why she loves you.

You have a lot of work ahead of you and a long road. She may stay like this for a long time. You have done well so far. You are owning your shit and seem remorseful. Don't give up. Fight for her. I guarantee she wants you to really step up your A-game.

I just hope she didn't start a RA.

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