"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

crushedsoul27 posted 5/23/2013 18:15 PM

It's been 3 months since I discovered my WS EA. He had been talking to AP for 2.5 months when I discovered it. He says the furthest they went was kissing and I can only take that at face value b/c I tend not to believe him. He has taken full ownership and isn't placing blame anywhere. Here is my dilemma, I moved out to my parents the first 6 weeks, moved back home told him to leave, he talked me in to letting him stay and he would give me my space that essentially we would just be roommates. Tried that about 5 weeks and it was just to hard (had several emotional blowups) so I chose to move out and get my own apartment b/c being in "our" house was to emotional to me. He is unwilling to NC he feels he needs this time of us separated to decide what he wants. He says, his decision about whether we are going to try and R has nothing to do with her yet he won't stop contact with her. He even has another phone that he uses so I can't see when he talks to her, she got it for him. AP is also married with 3 children. I've told him that continuing to be in contact with her is not ok with me and I've told him. Since I'm moved out and he is unwilling to NC I'm considering filing for divorce. We have been together 27 years married 24.5 and I had NO sign anything was wrong in our marriage. He says he was unhappy for about the last 1.5 but never said anything and if it had nothing to do with me I just can't get over why he never gave me a chance to help him get through his rough time. Sorry for the rambling and everything I've said may not even make sense at all. I don't want to rush to anything but, he is married and so is she and if he wants to keep in contact with her is 3 months out to fast to file for divorce? I love him so much and willing to go into R if he would just end the A. Is it possible he is in a full fledge midlife crisis? He started counseling but hasn't been in about 6 weeks. At this point he has his cake and eating it too! I still talk to him everyday and have a VERY hard time not talking to him as so many people tell me to do.

Me = BS 43
Him = WS 46
1 child 23
Together 27 years
D-Day: Feb. 10, 2013
Separated

256shute posted 5/23/2013 18:39 PM

I'm sorry you are going through this. Sounds like you were completely blindsided. How did you find out?

I know how hard it must be to not speak with him every day but it sounds like talking to him is causing you more pain - never mind making his life seem more normal to him. Please try to distance yourself. He needs to realize the implications of his actions. I'm new here but if you read about the 180 it's very helpful.

Also, I agree that him telling you that they've only kissed is most likely not true. And since when is kissing another person OK? Please hang in there and be strong!

crushedsoul27 posted 5/23/2013 18:51 PM

Yes, I was completly blindsided. A little history is that 2.5 years ago I discovered some text pics on our sprint account between him and another girl. Confronted him after I got some facts and supposidly it was nothing more than sexting and pics. SO on 2/10/13 he went up to his office which was very rare on a Sunday and I got this gut feeling. Looked at the cell phone call log saw a phone number he had called after he left did a *67 to block my number and called and AP answered, my stomach dropped to my toes. I did a full on search of how often they talked and it was sickening so and that was only phone calls no telling how much they texted b/c my wireless carrier doesn't break that down by phone number.
When you say 180 what do you mean. I'm new is it something in the healing library?
He tried to get me to not move out and there are times that I think I maybe should have stayed b/c it seems most people who completly separate don't make it and I really do want to make it but, that's not possible if he is still in contact with her.
He even SWORE that I didn't need to go get STD testing b/c they did not have sex but I did it anyway for my own peace of mind!

stilltrying2025 posted 5/23/2013 20:14 PM

(((crushedsoul27)))

You are going through the exact same thing I am right now. My husband was having an EA which had been going on for God knows how long but I found out Thanksgiving Day 2012. I stayed for 6 months trying to make the marriage work but he too would not go NC with the OW. I finally had enough after seeing some of the messages he sent her and I left him. I want to R with WH because I do love him but who knows.

You have to do what's best for you now, not him! I would make as little contact as possible with him. Let him sit and stew a little bit about what the consequences of his actions are. And yes, the 180 is in the healing library; I believe it's under BS FAQ.

Stay strong and post often; we're all here to help each other get through this mess!

ButterflyGirl posted 5/23/2013 21:36 PM

I'm in the "probably not just an EA" camp. Who gives up their marriage for something that hasn't been fully realized? Perhaps I flirted with guys when I was married, which would have made it somewhat of an EA, but there was NO way I was having sex with them. I don't think he'd be giving your marriage up so easily if he wasn't surly getting the sex part..

My advice would be to file. If he wants this separation, give him the full effects of what that means. Either he's in or he's out. He's NC immediately or he's not. He already made that decision, so I would make yours now.

Don't let him manipulate you into letting him eat cake. He's putting you on the defensive, like perhaps if you're good enough he will choose you. F that! Go on the offensive girl. You are awesome, and he would be lucky if you gave him the gift of R. He's not taking it, so I would move on.

Especially with his past history, it would take a lot more than him just going NC with this woman. To really ever feel safe and have a healthy marriage, he would need to be digging deep as to why he has done this to you. At this point he's putting the blame on you. No remorse = No R = File for D.

Good luck. Big hugs..

FeelingSoMuch posted 5/23/2013 21:39 PM

Honestly, as painful as it is, it sounds like more than an EA.

Sorry.

Stay strong.

crushedsoul27 posted 5/23/2013 23:53 PM

Thank you all for your responses. I've always figured it was more than an EA but figured he was just thinking saying they had only kissed was softer on my ears.
The 180 article was amazing and I've pretty much been doing everything wrong, other than taking the control of moving out into my own place bc I wasn't interested in being "roommates".
I have had such severe emotional breakdowns in the last 3 weeks after moving into my own apartment I think partly due to I have NEVER lived on my own. I was 19 when we married so I went straight from my parents to married and this is all very surreal to me.
I think he is actually enjoying the "alone" time. I'm going to start tomorrow doing as many things from the 180 as I can! I know it is going to be SO tough.
My counselor is encouraging me to file for divorce since filing doesn't mean it's the end of the marriage but that I mean business. If he wants to keep in contact with the OW than end it! I want to be strong and just do it but that is not what my heart is telling me. For God's sake I didn't just spend the last 27 years of my life loving this man heart and sould to give up entirely after 3 months of his messed up head not knowing what's wrong with him "according to him"
I am keeping myself busy with friends most evenings but I work from home so no social interaction is starting to get tough since I'm a very social person. I'm looking for a new position at this point to get out of the apartment!
For all of you BS on this site from the bottom of my heart I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I don't think other than losing a close family member due to death there is anything more painful than what we are going through. It has made me into a different person that I don't want to be and worry about if my marriage doesn't work how will I trust the next guy. Noone and I mean Noone would have ever thought my husband would have done this! It has TOTALLY shocked the few that know and if we divorce the many others that will find out. All I can do is pray for strength and thank God I have my Faith, Family and Friends and now you guys who understand to help get me through this storm!

betrayed2years posted 5/24/2013 03:45 AM

crushedsoul27,sorry you have been cheated, the people in here are the best, we have ALL been there,felt that,we all have different stories,but the hurt is the same,i hope you can take what is here and heal what hurts you, we all hurt and want answers, good luck to you, and god bless

ScubaGirl posted 5/24/2013 06:21 AM

Hi crushedsoul27,

So sorry you are in this place. My DDay was in May 2007; we are now reconciled but it wasn't an easy path.

My WH also had a mid-life crises A (well, he slept with 2 women in the same time period in separate countries while working abroad, so is that 1 A or 2?) Don't know, but it was surely one big mess.

He did the whole waffling back and forth, while I did the 'we can work it out' stuff. When he waffled further, I did the 'draw up divorce papers' stuff. He still waffled - I was shocked, I was sure seeing the divorce papers would knock him back into reality.

Then I found out about the 2nd OW (up till then I thought it was only 1 OW). And I switched, just like that. I had enough. And THAT was when he came around; that was when *he* started doing the work. It was as if a boil had burst and all the puss came out and healing could start.

I've come to the conclusion that if they're going to 'come out of the fog' it will only happen when the BS truly means what she says about leaving. Somehow, they seem to 'smell' the bluff, no matter how well its played. They just seem to know the BS is not going anywhere, they must be able to sense the hope.

The sad part is that - for me - once I had decided I'd had enough, it was really, really hard for me to come back. And even though now - 6 years later - he continues to show me love and remorse, and will move heaven and earth... even now, that one foot of mine is still out the door.

He waited too long to tell the truth; when I found out the extent of the lies I lost something which never came back. I believe if he had told the truth from the outset, I wouldn't feel as... I don't know, hard? as I still do today.

It sounds to me like your H isn't finished with his fantasy yet. You will know when he is, the difference will be night and day.

ETA: I gave him another chance because in 21 years of M he had been a good person, never flirtatious with others at all, all the more devastating because - like so many on here - I have cried "he's the last person you would expect to do this"

[This message edited by ScubaGirl at 6:28 AM, May 24th (Friday)]

HereWeGo62 posted 5/24/2013 06:37 AM

(((crushedsoul27)))

So sorry you are here with us but I can guarantee you that you will get some advise from mny people who have already been down this path.

First and foremost please take care of yourself. Drink plenty of fluids, eat what you can and take vitamin supplaments. Infidelity takes a huge toll on our minds and bodies, you will need your strength and wits to get through this. We are here to help.

The 180 is your friend. It is meant to help you start to detach from your WH, you will start to see how strong and independent you really can be. It is not easy, but it is very effective.

A little history is that 2.5 years ago I discovered some text pics on our sprint account between him and another girl. Confronted him after I got some facts and supposidly it was nothing more than sexting and pics.

This is not his first Rodeo. The methods that he is using (secret phone, etc) are vetran cheater moves.

He is unwilling to NC he feels he needs this time of us separated to decide what he wants. He says, his decision about whether we are going to try and R has nothing to do with her yet he won't stop contact with her

This is also total bs!! This has everything to do with her. You would not currently be seperated if it were not for this woman and your WH's "friendship." He is cake eating for sure. A man that has loved a woman for 27 years does not need alone time to contemplate where their relationship is heading. He is going to need a swift kick in the a$$ to knock him off the fence.

My counselor is encouraging me to file for divorce since filing doesn't mean it's the end of the marriage but that I mean business.

This is very good advice. At the very least speak to a lawyer and find out about your rights.Knowledge is power. I would be in the "file" catagory because you can then get temporary support from him and he cannot run up debt, sell stuff, or hide things from you. Right now you have no protection from these activities if he chooses that route.

For God's sake I didn't just spend the last 27 years of my life loving this man heart and sould to give up entirely after 3 months of his messed up head not knowing what's wrong with him "according to him"

IMHO you do not have the full story yet. He is only going to admit what you already know, he will lie to your face or lie by ommision if you don't have proof. He did nothing to help himself after his last affair, the issues that compelled to have an affair before are still there. Right now he is allowing a third person to enter your marriage, one of you needs to leave.

AP is also married with 3 children.

I would strongly suggest telling her BH asap! I am pretty sure he will not like the idea of his wife being "friends" with your husband. This may help end the A and lessen the chances of it going underground. The BH deserves to know what his WW is up to. I sure wish someone would have told me.

So in short:
- Take care of yourself mentally and physically.
- Use the 180 for you and your sanity.
- Hire a lawyer and file, get temp support. Hit him in his wallet hard.
-Tell the other BS what his WW is doing.
- Stay strong, you will be amazed at what ou can do girl!!
- Keep posting here. Some things are tough to hear but we are here to help you through this.

noprincess posted 5/24/2013 07:36 AM

((((crushedsoul27))))

So sorry you are here and for all the pain you're going through. The folks here on SI are amazing and you've already been given some great advice.

I strongly support what HereWeGo62 had to say: seek legal advice, out the A to the OW's H, 180, and take care of yourself physically and emotionally.

I know how hard it is for you right now not to speak to your H! This is the one person in life you could always trust and count on in those difficult times, but things have changed. He has invited another person into your M, and one of you has to go! He cannot be trusted and you need to protect yourself. You need to go NC with him as much as possible. Reduce your communications with him to finances and discussions of your child - otherwise nothing...I know this is brutal, but you must take this step if he's ever going to believe you are serious about D. And you are serious, you have to be.

It sounds like you are doing some things necessary for your own healing - that's good! Reach out to those in your life who will be supportive and help you heal. Go ahead and get another job that takes you out of your apartment and ends your isolation. Do all of these things for YOU! to heal YOU! It's so not about him anymore!

Stay strong (((crushedsoul27))) and keep posting, we are here for you.

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/24/2013 07:55 AM

He even SWORE that I didn't need to go get STD testing b/c they did not have sex but I did it anyway for my own peace of mind!

You'd be amazed at what these liars will 'swear' to - they'll swear on their OWN children's lives to save their sorry asses.

When a guy 'needs' a separation to "decide what our future is," that just means he wants some freedom to continue seeing his OW - while keeping YOU on the back burner - without all the constraints of having to answer to you about where he's going and what he's doing every second.

Without a doubt, I'd cut him off straight at the knees. As long as he knows you're waiting in the wings for him, he's going to continue enjoying his 'single' life with the comfort of knowing good old CrushedSoul is sitting at home, patiently waiting for him and willing to forgive him if she shows the proper remorse.

You NEED to tell the betrayed husband of your husband's OW what these two are up to. It's the right thing to do but MORE importantly, it will ALSO put a huge cramp in their little "fantasy" friendship. Nothing kills fantasy FASTER than an angry husband who's watching his cheating wife's EVERY move.

So tell the betrayed husband today.

Secondly, cut your husband off at the KNEES. Shut him down and DON'T talk to him anymore. Quit giving him what he WANTS - which is the comfort of knowing you're sitting there hoping he'll come home. Stop giving him that.

Pippy posted 5/25/2013 11:27 AM

You say you talk to him every day. What this shows him is that you are "waiting" for him and willing to take whatever crumbs he throws you. As long as you chase after him, he will not give her up.

Break the pattern. Don't "talk to him" for a couple of days. Go away without telling him. treat yourself to a shopping weekend. Then watch his reaction. Let HIM call YOU.

la433 posted 5/25/2013 12:17 PM

While I am entitled to my opinion, you are entitled to tell me to STFU...

With that in mind, my opinion is to just leave.

You say 3 months, but what you're getting is what we call TT (trickle truth). It will slowly trickle out over the months and years to come, each time ripping your heart out.

So, with that in mind, I say just leave.

Not advising D or R--what you should do will surface over time.

Sounds like you moving out is a good move. Be strong.

[This message edited by la433 at 12:18 PM, May 25th (Saturday)]

NoraLee posted 5/25/2013 19:45 PM

In so many successful R stories on here, the BS had to risk losing the marriage to save it. My H couldn't give up his EA whore until he saw that I was done and ready to divorce. If that didn't motivate him to go NC then divorce was where I wanted to be anyway.

He needs a taste of life without you. Right now he's got the best of both worlds...and it's time to bring this little MLC to an end.

Once he knows D is in progress - he'll stop cake eating and make a decision. 3 months? Fuck that. Call her husband NOW. Don't let WH know you are doing this. Calmly let the BH know everything you do - that your H is taking 3 months to decide whether he wants you or his wife. That she purchased a secret phone for him to hide it from you...Dirty affairs thrive in the dark - much like toe fungus and yeast infections. They need to be dragged into the daylight - not so romantic or titillating once the spouses put their collective foots down. Telling the BH is your best chance at ending the A. He probably senses something is wrong in his M and he has a right to know what's happening to his life. It's the right thing to do.

See a lawyer - start the ball rolling - read about the 180 in the healing library (BS FAQ #11) he wants 3 months to decide what he wants? Douchebag 101...

shiloe posted 5/25/2013 20:48 PM

((Crushedsoul))

You need to go dark on him . . .NOW. Do not talk to him. and YOU should not have had to move . . . he should have . . . the cheater should leave the home not the innocent spouse. Tell the other spouse, but don't let your H know. Be prepared to have evidence as she has probably told him you are some crazy person.

crushedsoul27 posted 5/25/2013 22:15 PM

I have had a chance to read the 180 mulitipule times now and am going to probably read it every day now working on my weaknesses and getting stronger.
My H went out of town to see his best friend who after telling him invited him to come for the Memorial Day weekend (verified that he is there so no worries that he is with her) of course I figure he has his "other" phone with him too. He says she got it for him but as stated in 180 I don't believe anything he says so he could have gotten. Also, supposidly her husband knows but that could just be b/c they fear me telling him. I'm not sure how to go about finding him to tell him. I have her cell number but not her husbands. I also fear retaliation of a jealous husband on my husband. No matter how much he has hurt me I don't want him to ever be physically hurt by a jealous husband.
How did some of you go about finding the BS of the OW to tell him.
I'm working on the strength to disconnect with him on a daily basis b/c I know he hates it when I've gone a couple of days in the last 3 months several times.
I've been very clear to him that having a 3rd person in this marriage is not ok with me and that if he can't end it with her then we are done so I have already consulted with and chosen my attorney and he will file the D paper when I give the green light which I'm thinking will be sooner than later.
I've been hoping this weekend will give him the opportunity to get some good guy time with someone I really trust and I know will tell my H the honest things he needs to hear. He will be back in town tomorrow night and I will see him so I'm going to get a feel for what the weekend held still using the 180 and not asking any questions but see if he offers anything himself if not I'm debating whether to say I told you two weeks ago to break it off and you haven't so I'm filing and then JUST DO IT!!
I chose to move out bc I wanted to get out of "our" house the pain was too heavy on my chest. He is paying for all of my expenses in my new apt plus all the new stuff I bought to furnish it. I'm 30 min closer to several of my close girlfriends and they keep me busy with dinners and time together. Me moving was just what I had to do bc otherwise if I had stayed he would have tried to sweep it under the rug and act like we were back to normal. Was not an option. This last week I was the "pathetic, miserable, weak wife" but NO more I'm going to be strong and confident in my value and show him I am moving on without him!!!
Thank you all for you valuable advise it all helps to keep me focused on me and to take care of myself.

NoraLee posted 5/25/2013 22:30 PM

You're probably right about them lying about OWBH knowing. Check her FB and see if she's got her H as a friend. Look up the last name in the phonebook and start calling. If you have the money, a PI could find him quickly I'd imagine.

Rarely is there any physical payback from the BS to the WS...you haven't beaten ow have you? None of the current BH's on SI have harmed the OM although they do dream of it. Besides - if he already knows then what's the harm.

My H told me not to contact cOW's bf as he was a MMA fighter and would kill him - he confessed months later that he was full of shit - just didn't want more drama and he was ashamed since he sat with him drinking his beer so many times. He dumped cow a month later anyway since learning of the other OM so by then the point was moot.

He needs to know. He has a right to protect himself against STD's and protect himself emotionally. Usually the BS is so hurt and focused on the marriage that they rarely go after the OM - and if it's the rare chance that it does happen, then your WH can call 911.

If you can get enough posts and afford the upgrade, I'm sure the folks down in investigative tips will help you find him. You could even have a friend follow her home one night.

CallMeRed1 posted 5/26/2013 05:09 AM

You're doing amazingly well, thank god for the 180 and all it advises because it does help doesn't it.

Very gently I am in the "doubtful it's just an EA camp and if it is/was just an EA you can bet he would have taken the option of PA given the chance.

This whole "spare phone" and "no NC" business raises red flags all over the place.

You have been married so long though there is so much to think about, take it slow and steady with your thinking and don't let anyone push you in any direction.

I would say it would be good to tell the AP's BS though. They won't thank you initially but further down the line they will... I think any BS would rather know.

I will be thinking of you. Stay strong and keep reading that 180 when you need to.

Tiredofthepain posted 5/26/2013 07:31 AM

You'd be amazed at what these liars will 'swear' to - they'll swear on their OWN children's lives to save their sorry asses.

YES, they will and their fathers grave, God, Buddha, whoever! They will look you in the eye, hold you in their arms, promise you the moon and star all while lying their asses off.
I agree with everything said here.
You need to focus on you right now and I know how hard and painful that is, but until he gets it and removes his head from his ass, there is nothing you can do except protect yourself.
It's like someone else said, there are 3 people now in your marriage and one has to go. So sorry you find yourself here, we were all married to the "guy that would never cheat on us"

[This message edited by Tiredofthepain at 7:32 AM, May 26th (Sunday)]