I think I've spent a great deal of my adult life trying to find a passion and being someone I wasn't. I play golf but not every week (nor every month), we rented a boat one day and thought about joining a boat club (not for us), joined a country club (didn't like the non genuine people - of which I was one), my co-workers constantly talk about fishing (no interest), I know people who must go out and drink every week (again, not for me). Turns out my passion all along has been my family and doing things for them (and with them). My reward has always been that they let me. I get great satisfaction from this. I'm not co-dependent (my IC agrees). Turns out I have a nurturing streak (a big one). I'm not sure what I was looking for when it was sitting in front of me this whole time. There are plenty of issues (if you go back thru some posts I allude to them) but that's no excuse. All I can think at this point is what a shame. What a life we could have had had I only been self-aware. The worst part of this whole thing is the damage that I have caused my family - my BS in particular. The irony is almost overwhelming.
This is not a pity party. I am working hard and I see progress. I make thoughtful decisions now and not decisions that others think I should make. I try and do the right thing and respect everyone around me. I guess I try to be the opposite of the person I was during my affair.
I know it's not, but now, I almost feel it's too late. I have two teenagers. One is off to college this summer and the other is heading into her sophomore year in HS. My wife and I are in a terrible place because of me. Things will not be the same. And the truth is I don't want them to be. With my new found self I want things to be different (better). I could go on to say what I want but it's good enough for me right now that my wife knows.
Things aren't looking good right now but as the saying goes, it ain't over till it's over. And if you've read some of the posts I've read here, sometimes it ain't over when it is over.
That's all. I do appreciate all of you and your thoughtful insights.