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Why is it so hard to let the dream die?

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momofone79 posted 5/23/2013 21:16 PM

It's over. I know it is. He's like a brick wall - the OW is all sunshine and rainbows. He slept with her. He luuuvs her. And our 16 years together is clearly nothing compared to four months of luuuv. We've done MC. I've told him everything I can think of to get him to wake up already. None of it has worked.

So why is it SO hard for me to let go of the dream of spending our lives together, raising our child together, growing old together? Why do I even want to spend my life with such a jackass? Sometimes I wonder if there's something fundamentally wrong with me for putting up with all his crap.

allfalldown posted 5/23/2013 21:19 PM


I am navigating this same road.

so very sorry

damncutekitty posted 5/23/2013 21:23 PM

You loved this man. You made a child with him and built a life with him. I'm not sure when your d-day was, but just because he checked out a while ago does not mean you are flawed because you can't just turn your feelings off.


PurpleBirch posted 5/23/2013 21:25 PM

I don't want to let the dream die either. I've had almost 4 years of thinking about what our life will look like down the road. It's hard to get past that.

FeelingSoMuch posted 5/23/2013 21:27 PM

I've asked myself the same question and came up with a really simple, unsatisfying answer. Because I dreamed it for 12 years and dedicated 12 years to that dream. That's a huge investment.

For some reason, my WW tells me she had and still has the same dream but didn't think of the consequences during the A.

She wants R. I do, too. I love her even though she hurt me so much.

For me, it took about three months of doing a really terrible job of the 180 before I started dreaming a different dream.

She still wants R. So do I. But I now have two dreams to choose from. The initial dream -- which now includes an effing A in the middle of it -- and a second dream that does not involve my WW.

It was hard to make room for two dreams, but having the choice is starting to feel empowering. It took three months of pushing myself to dream that second dream before it happened. I felt it for the first time last Sunday. I now have a choice and that feels like the opposite of despair.

Also, neither dream is as nice as the original pre-A dream, but that's lost and even though I'm dreaming different dreams I'm still mourning that first one.

Stay strong. This is terrible, debilitating pain we're going through.

mj052 posted 5/23/2013 21:34 PM

I'm so sorry and I'm right there with you!!! I had so much hope that he would choose our 22 years together and not want to be with the homewrecker on her third failed marriage. But the fact is that he wants- who knows what- his family and his ow on the side? I still don't know a year later!! What I've been through- I can't imagine anyone actually staying!!!

It hurts like hell!!! Hugs to you!!!

momofone79 posted 5/23/2013 21:43 PM

Thank you, guys. <hugs> I hope I can create a dream life, just for me and my daughter. Just never in a million years thought I'd have to.

I need to commit to the 180. I think it's the only way I'm going to survive this. Am done with MC. It's pointless when the other person has their mind made up.

Also need to put away all the wedding photos around the house. They just make me sad right now.

7yrsflushed posted 5/23/2013 21:45 PM

Its' hard because you invested time and energy into that dream for years with an expected outcome that has now been thrown completely out of the window. Our lives and the time we invested are important. We expect certain payouts from the time, energy, love, respect, adoration that we put into our families. Then we find out that the dream was in fact just a dream. It's hard to face that reality.

I spent a few months stuck in "limbo" because I couldn't let go of the dream and what I thought my M was. Then I sat back and realized that my WW gave up on the dream a long time ago and went a different path so I was walking in this dream by myself and dragging someone that didn't want to go along the way. I let go by focusing completely on me and I would suggest you do the same. You and your WS are no longer pulling in the same direction. This is the time to sit back and say my M does not define me, my WS's A does not define me, I define me. 180 and take some time to focus on you and what YOU want.

The dream is gone. Our WS killed it with the A. It just takes us time to reconcile that with what we had in our heads. It was not easy for me but it was really worth it to sit back and do some thinking on where I wanted to go from here. The first few times I sat down and thought about this and came to the conclusion that I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. Then it clicked that I could do whatever I wanted with it and decided to figure out what that it was. For me the first step was dropping that dead weight that was my WW. Then I slowly started figuring our what I wanted out of life again and started working towards it.

Our M's aren't the only dreams we have had all our lives they just tend to take over in many cases. So go out and find a new dream or remember an old one or two or three that you had before and go for it. At the end of the day you let go when you are able to let go but it helps if you start thinking about YOU and only you and not your WS.

gonnabe2016 posted 5/23/2013 21:58 PM

^^^^THIS x1000.

(great post 7yrs!)

FeelingSoMuch posted 5/23/2013 22:34 PM

momofone79, right about the wedding photos. I now remember that the first thing I did on d-day after I asked my WW to leave -- she spent the night at her parents -- was take down a huge wedding photo we had in our bedroom.

It's still under the bed.

Reading your post made me think of this. If I ever get to the point where I think R is going well enough that we're going to pull through, I'll show it by putting the wedding photo back up. I'm feeling hopeful right now. (it changes all the time)

Stay strong and have a nice night.

shockandconfused posted 5/23/2013 22:40 PM

I totally get that feeling that he's in the fog while you're just in an unbelievable nightmare. It's a fantasy, selfish, and immature place. I was planning our future, focusing on his happiness, hoping to get pregnant, and spending time with friends and family while he was pretending he was single and lying and cheating - feeling a connection to the unknown OW. And maybe still doing so.

It's just a huge punch in the gut; smack in the face. You just watch everyone else moving forward while you're thrown backwards.

I guess the point is that your post resonated because I totally understand how you feel. It's maddening. I have no advice but there's some comfort in knowing others are experiencing the same thing. Obviously the 180 is the only answer and finding the strength to end it somehow, but that's easier said then done. Just keep moving forward, inch by inch.

NewMom0220 posted 5/24/2013 09:12 AM

I'm right there with you momofone79. This is hard work and just know that you can do it. There are so many of us on this forum going through the same thing.

Stay strong and remember that he is the one that should be running after you and convincing you to stay.

I'm in the same boat. I've found myself telling someone else the whole story and being shocked by it when it came out of my mouth. If you step outside of yourself and look at the situation as if you were hearing about it happening to a friend, I'm sure you would be the first one to tell your friend to get as far away from that jerk as possible. Why is it so hard for us to do this for ourselves???

Don't be hard on yourself...just know that are strong enough to have a forgiving heart and you put effort into trying to make it work.

Now if I can just listen to my own advice.

momofone79 posted 5/29/2013 19:51 PM

I'm a little late coming back to this post, but I just wanted to thank you all so much for responding. Just knowing there are others out there dealing with something similar makes me feel less alone.

I've been doing the 180 for the past week (as best as I isn't easy). I find that when I can stick to it, it helps.

I'm going to make a bucket list of sorts - a list of things I want to do, friends I want to reconnect with, new experiences I'd like to have. I'm hoping that will help me focus on my myself and my daughter. Creating a new dream, so to speak.

Brokenpetal posted 5/29/2013 20:03 PM

I think you hit the Niall on the head when you said you can't let go of the "dream," not the "man." This is the epiphany I had last week. I'm holding onto the dreams/goals/fantasies I had for my life, not ,my husband per se. That's a hard realization, but an important one. That dream is gone, broken. Just because the spouse is still around, doesn't make the dream reachable. I'm struggling with this too....also doing the 180.... Hard

Safeguard posted 5/29/2013 20:18 PM

I can see why it's so hard to let go... "The heart wants what it wants".

It's perfectly reasonable for you to want to be with the man you love, raise your child, grow old together.

You didn't do anything to deserve this. This wasn't in the plan you had for your life.

He cheated and you have to lose someone you love? And your dreams for the future?

No one can just brush that off lightly, I would think.

Be extra kind to yourself.

It's a hard process, for me it tended to be "One step forward, one step back". The grief came and went...then came again. The waves do get gentler over time though. I promise. (and I am known to keep my promises too. :)

[This message edited by Safeguard at 8:20 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

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