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Anybody else realize they're just as messed up...

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Knowing posted 5/23/2013 21:58 PM

...as their WS?

We are 8 months post DDay.

I'm in IC with 2 different therapists. One is our EAP counsellor and the other is my meditation/yoga teacher with whom I do several workshops a year.

My meditation/yoga teacher/therapist has over 20 years experience as a psychotherapist so she's not shy about telling us what she thinks of our personalities. After studying meditation and yoga for over 2 years with her, she says my biggest problems are that I have a victim complex and had no role models growing up.

My regular IC has identified that I spend too much time and energy worrying, thus ruining my day to day experience of life (I've done this the whole 11 years we've been married). I am astounded by this observation. Also, she identified that even though I set new boundaries in my M, I'm seemingly the one who's having the most trouble becoming comfortable within these new parameters, essentially waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm a mess of fear and anxiety.

I never had any idea I was so fucked up. My fWH's A has brought all my issues to the surface. The first to rear their ugly heads were FOO and sexual abuse. I cannot get enough of HB (i think i would have a nervous breakdown if we went back to 1 time a week).

I am totally insecure about my M, so much so that I am trying to impose how my fWH should recover from his A. I have been feeling desperate to "fix him". I think "I know better", in fact I've been listening to my thoughts closely lately and I pretty much think I'm better than anyone else.

I'm reading "Codependant No More" by Melody Beattie and I can't believe how much I identify.

My fWH's A held a mirror up to my life and my thinking and it's a blessing in disguise to be able to face my issues with the help of some good therapists but its also been a terrible shock, especially since I started out on this journey 8 months ago thinking my fWH was the only one who was "broken".

I don't know which way is up anymore. It doesn't help that I'm in the anger stage right now, so not only am I testy but I'm paranoid and convinced I'm right! I'm intolerable right now.

[This message edited by Knowing at 10:18 PM, May 23rd, 2013 (Thursday)]

Ladyogilvy posted 5/23/2013 22:39 PM

My WH's A and the aftermath broke me. I had overcome a lot in life and was pretty dam strong when WH and I met. Just not healthy enough to identify what I was marrying into. Still, I never took his crap personally until his A. The A just broke me. I was someone who travelled the world, flew planes, jumped out of planes, was a scuba diver, kayak guide, skied double black diamonds, went to school, got educated, I was not the fragile creature I am now.

ophelia24 posted 5/23/2013 23:08 PM

been listening to my thoughts closely lately and I pretty much think I'm better than anyone else.

Wow, what a cool post. Loved this as it shows your growth. Thinking we are better than our spouse does not promote intimacy and closeness, it does the opposite. It's convenient a lot to paint the W as having ALL the fuckedness, and affair(s) are one aspect of these crappy skills of coping with pain and fuckedupness (not to mention devastating for all those involved) along with many things people do to lash out at ourselves, or others; drinking,drugs,passive aggro behaviour,victim stance, workaholic et al .

With you looking at yourself and not falling into the trap of staying with the "sick one" because you are somehow superior and "better than" means you have a much better chance to have a healthier relationship -with yourself, children, family,friends and SO.

Good for you. Great post.

Edited for clarity.

[This message edited by ophelia24 at 11:16 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

ophelia24 posted 5/23/2013 23:14 PM

Also wanted to add that all destructive behaviours come from places of hurt and not dealing with those hurts. Makes us dangerous to ourselves and others.

Seems like you having some great insights into yourself. Good for you.

DixieD posted 5/24/2013 10:02 AM

Knowing, great post. It's good to be able to recognize this in yourself.

I fell into the I can fix this and fix him (CoD) trap years ago. I have the answers if you would just listen to me. It comes from fear and a need to control the outcome. Same reason behind why WS TT I suspect.

Codependent No More is a great book. There are a lot of different patterns to CoD.

Good luck with the anger stage.

7yrsflushed posted 5/24/2013 10:13 AM

I am happily well on the way to D but YES I was messed up as well. I could have typed your post 6 months ago. The good part is once we identify our own issues we can work on them. Becoming a complete, healthy person is a great thing. It also helps if R is on the table because while as a BS you don't own any of the A, working through your 50% of the M can help immensely. If R works out you end up in an even better place, if it doesn't as in my case I became a healthier individual and am much less likely to repeat the same patterns I now see I made throughout my entire life.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:13 AM, May 24th (Friday)]

hopefullromantic posted 5/24/2013 10:42 AM

I think dealing with infidelity definitely brings out the best and the worst of us. We're forced to battle with ourselves, as well our wayward spouses' behaviors and coping mechanisms. Very eye opening. It's all there, coming to the forefront, it's just a matter of what is going to win in the long run, your better self or your broken self?

[This message edited by hopefullromantic at 10:43 AM, May 24th (Friday)]

Hunter23 posted 5/24/2013 10:43 AM

I'm reading "Codependant No More" by Melody Beattie and I can't believe how much I identify.

...I'm afraid to read it because I KNOW how codependant I am...

Your whole post struck a chord with me. The whole "blessing in disguise" thing is so true.
Messed up, isn't it? I remember a conversation with WH after an session of MC that involved EMDR - on me. And I said in a jokey-but-not-really-so-funny way to WH "Dammit - I KNOW I have issues - but I was fine keeping them to myself!"

I will read that book though, eventually...

crazyblindsided posted 5/24/2013 16:26 PM

Oh hell yes

Everybody has to work through their own issues though, one day at a time.

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