I found out about husbands A at the end of Feb. He said it was over (it wasnt) I found out in April that the EA went further when they met up in March to say "good-bye" We had each been going to IC for the previous 8 months and MC before that. The previous focus was on communication which did not seem to get anywhere. Honestly, I believe my husband cant be honest if his life depends on it. Maybe its because he really doesn't know himself and what he really wants or he knows what he wants and feels guilty about it. He sees himself as a "nice" guy and he trys to be but if he is going to let anyone down, I'm elected. We go around and around and it drives me crazy.
Last week in marriage counseling (our second week of going to the counselor we started with years ago and that husband has been seeing alone for 8 months) we decided it would be best if husband continued alone with counselor and we got a different one for the marriage. (So three counselors). My job was to call the choices we had and see if we could get in to one ASAP.
I started to think about it and felt that I am not ready to work on our marriage. I have been working to be a good wife for the entire 30 years we have been together. My husband has been coasting. For a year and a half he has been cheating and claiming that he was working on us. He kept telling his OW and she him that they both wanted reconciling with their spouses as Plan A. They would be together as Plan B. Yet they poured all they had into their relationship and lied and cheated on their spouses. It was like saying Plan A is to lose weight, Plan B is to get fat. Actions were to eat chocolate cake every day. Plan B wins.
My husband says he wants us to work out now. He is dragging his feet, not taking responsibility for his behavior, and showing no sorrow over how much he hurt me and our family by emotionally disconnecting for almost 2 years. He is still not connected as far as I'm concerned. We also have huge problems with communication. I believe its because he will not be honest and straightforward with the simplest of questions about anything from what he wants to do for the evening to why he felt it was okay to cheat on me while we were in crisis with our kids. I am not ready to give 200% which is what I believe I will have to do in marriage counseling because he isn't at a place where he can give even 50% now.
I told the counselor that I wasn't ready to do marriage counseling with another counselor yet because of this. I am not sure if he understood but he left it to my husband returning to IC and waiting until I am ready to commit to MC. Of course my husband says he is ready for MC now but I don't believe him.
I'm afraid that our marriage is not going to work out. My husband says he wants to move on but he isn't willing to own his stuff. He says the A was wrong but he hasn't changed his behavior as far as being honest about simple things. He has been dishonest for so long, I don't know if he has the capability to be truthful even to himself. It use to drive me crazy and I thought something was wrong with me. Now I see it as something wrong with him because he could take the lying so far as to cheat.
I say I want our marriage to work out. I also feel that I don't want to live crazy anymore. It seems like a catch 22. Is there any hope? Do I need to make the decision for MC now when I am so conflicted? And if I wait until I feel ready, what if its too late and husband has given up?