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stalled? or just normal?

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ms521 posted 5/24/2013 07:43 AM

WH didn't get an offer for a new job he was courting. Which, on one hand is fine because he HAS a job, but on the other hand made me incredibly sad. Much more sad than I would've expected, especially considering I don't think this new job was all that great. I just think I'm more eager for him to be 100% away from OW2 and this awful workplace than I want to admit to even myself.

I did, finally, find my voice and express to WH that I need a timeline: either SHE needs to go, or HE needs to go, but that I can't sit here, year after year, and watch him go to work and wonder and just wait and wait and wait until hopefully OW gets transferred to another department and just kind of fades away. That's what I did with OW1. It was years of torture that never really went away (because she still works there too, but in a different group on a different floor). She just doesn't really bother me anymore because six years later, time has proven they're all the way done.

WH listened and said he understood. He even agreed with my idea that the best time to LOOK for a new job is when you don't need one. Get your resume out there!!

In the meantime, our MC has "been hospitalized." He doesn't know when he'll be back to work, but he hasn't suggested we need to find a new therapist. I'm willing to wait for him to be back - he's amazing. But not seeing anyone... not having any new job offers on the table... I just feel like we're stalled. I'm in the same place today that I was yesterday. And the day before. And last week. Nothing is happening. Nothing is moving forward or changing.

Is this normal? Is this the "it takes time" thing? I know WH can't find a new job overnight, but should we be talking more or reading more or something? Of course, the flip side of that is that I'm sick of talking about his LTA. It already sucks up so much of my headspace.

Knowing posted 5/24/2013 09:06 AM

I just wanted to let you know I hear you. I think you're a brave soul to be able to moderate your emotions about the COWs in your life. Your situation must be frustrating for sure and disappointing. I hope a great job opportunity comes up for him soon and that it gives you some well-deserved peace of mind.

Is there any way you can give yourself peace from the worry right now? You've been through this before, what worked back then? Is there any self-care that might help?

LovesLaboursLost posted 5/24/2013 10:49 AM

Tell her husband? Maybe he'll make her quit.

ms521 posted 5/24/2013 12:12 PM

Thank you for hearing me. I think that's all I needed - was for someone to validate it.

As for as giving myself some peace, I do have a girls' weekend coming up. It's going to be quiet, maybe some horseback riding, time to read, workout, etc. We'll be surrounded by other girlfriends, none of whom are bringing husbands or kids, so I think it will be a welcome solace from the place I'm in right now.

LLL - I think often about telling her husband. I feel a little guilty for NOT telling him because as a BS, I would want to know. But I haven't for two key reasons: 1. I'm 90% sure he would divorce her. I don't know many men who could bear the discovery that their WW cheated on them for the last 2.5 years of a 5 year marriage. They have no kids, no house, and he's incredibly successful - I'm pretty sure his ego wouldn't withstand it, and I don't want her to be able to blame me even a tiny bit for the end of her marriage. I also don't want her divorced - if she's on her own, she'll fight even harder for her "career."

The 2nd reason I haven't told is that I like holding this card. She's made some things difficult for WH at work since he's declared NC (except work stuff). Disclosure of her mess to her husband is something she obviously wants to avoid, and I feel like it gives me the silent upperhand. Once he knows, then I have nothing else, and I don't want her in a position to have nothing left to lose. If that makes any sense.

Thanks for listening. I probably need to find a way to voice this "stalled" feeling to WH and see what he says. Maybe he'll show me a new resume.

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