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huRtZ413 (original poster member #39214) posted at 3:40 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2013
After deciding to R what were some guideline set for the both of you to prevent another A or a RA?
me_BW
him_WH
I'M ON THE FENCE
tired girl ( member #28053) posted at 3:45 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2013
Are you feeling like you want to have a RA?
Me 47 Him 47 Hardlessons
DS 27,25,23
D Day's becoming less important as time moves on.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
My bad for trying to locate remorse on your morality map. OITNB
huRtZ413 (original poster member #39214) posted at 4:06 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2013
Can't say it wasn't a thought shortly after D day , but no I do not want to have a RA but WH is fearful of it
me_BW
him_WH
I'M ON THE FENCE
Knowing ( member #37044) posted at 4:12 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2013
We can takes steps to recover from the A, go to IC & MC, getting support on SI and IRL, but as far as "prevention" goes, the WS has to be willing to do the work of finding out why they had an A in order to prevent themselves from doing it again.
BW, R last 4 years of marriage out of 15... FINALLY, HAPPILY DIVORCING!
We are in R.
losingmyground ( member #36070) posted at 4:19 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2013
1. NC ever with his MOW.
2. No friendships of the opposite sex that make the other spouse feel uncomfortable. No matter how long the friendship.
3. Open access from both parties on email, facebook, phones etc. Any changes without notification is the same as starting up all over again. Major deal breaker for me.
4. COMMUNICATION IS A MUST. Get it off your chest ASAP. Letting it linger only brings about bad feelings which can lead to bad actions.
5. Listen without getting defensive.
6. Any texts/calls must returned ASAP, within reason, by both spouses.
Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:29 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2013
To the above, I added 'IC with a goal of changing the thoughts and feelings that supported the A to ones that support being a great partner.'
I urge you to go for a great M. That'll be a lot more joyful and satisfying than a relationship in which your WS just doesn't cheat again.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
ladya ( member #29184) posted at 5:42 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2013
Absolutely NC with the OW.
No female friends-NONE
No flirting
No more long days at work
Treat me with respect-always
Marriage counseling
Spend time with me
Make me feel special
Marriage retreat
Full disclosure (that one took over 2 years)
Full transparency
I'm sure there were more because I literally had a list. :)
Me:BS married 29 yrs.
5 kids
Time really does heal.
EA D-Day May 2008
PA D-Day May 7,2010 (same A)
ladies_first ( member #24643) posted at 9:22 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2013
Listen without getting defensive.
It's also advisable to get WS input during any/all BOUNDARIES discussions, so they don't bitch about being "controlled" or being treated like a child.
"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway
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