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User
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Topic: Rules
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huRtZ413
♀ 39214
Member # 39214 |  Posted: 9:40 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013 |     |
After deciding to R what were some guideline set for the both of you to prevent another A or a RA?
me_BW
him_WH
I'M ON THE FENCE
Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013 |
tired girl
♀ 28053
Member # 28053 | | Posted: 9:45 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013 | |
Are you feeling like you want to have a RA?
Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
Posts: 5446 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az |
huRtZ413
♀ 39214
Member # 39214 | | Posted: 10:06 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013 | |
Can't say it wasn't a thought shortly after D day , but no I do not want to have a RA but WH is fearful of it
me_BW
him_WH
I'M ON THE FENCE
Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013 |
Knowing
♀ 37044
Member # 37044 | | Posted: 10:12 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013 | |
We can takes steps to recover from the A, go to IC & MC, getting support on SI and IRL, but as far as "prevention" goes, the WS has to be willing to do the work of finding out why they had an A in order to prevent themselves from doing it again.
Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12
We are in R.
Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012 |
losingmyground
♀ 36070
Member # 36070 | | Posted: 10:19 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013 | |
1. NC ever with his MOW.
2. No friendships of the opposite sex that make the other spouse feel uncomfortable. No matter how long the friendship.
3. Open access from both parties on email, facebook, phones etc. Any changes without notification is the same as starting up all over again. Major deal breaker for me.
4. COMMUNICATION IS A MUST. Get it off your chest ASAP. Letting it linger only brings about bad feelings which can lead to bad actions.
5. Listen without getting defensive.
6. Any texts/calls must returned ASAP, within reason, by both spouses.
Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation
Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012 |
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240 | | Posted: 10:29 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013 | |
To the above, I added 'IC with a goal of changing the thoughts and feelings that supported the A to ones that support being a great partner.'
I urge you to go for a great M. That'll be a lot more joyful and satisfying than a relationship in which your WS just doesn't cheat again.
fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 70 (22 in my head), Married 45+, together since 1965, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I'm not an exemplar. I share my own experience because it's all I know.
Posts: 11130 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area |
ladya
♀ 29184
Member # 29184 | | Posted: 11:42 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013 | |
Absolutely NC with the OW.
No female friends-NONE
No flirting
No more long days at work
Treat me with respect-always
Marriage counseling
Spend time with me
Make me feel special
Marriage retreat
Full disclosure (that one took over 2 years)
Full transparency
I'm sure there were more because I literally had a list. :)
Me:BS married 29 yrs.
5 kids
Time really does heal.
EA D-Day May 2008
PA D-Day May 7,2010 (same A)
Posts: 885 | Registered: Jul 2010 |
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643 | | Posted: 3:22 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013 | |
Listen without getting defensive.
It's also advisable to get WS input during any/all BOUNDARIES discussions, so they don't bitch about being "controlled" or being treated like a child.
"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway
Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009 |
| Topic Posts: 8 | |
