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huRtZ413 posted 5/24/2013 09:40 AM

After deciding to R what were some guideline set for the both of you to prevent another A or a RA?

tired girl posted 5/24/2013 09:45 AM

Are you feeling like you want to have a RA?

huRtZ413 posted 5/24/2013 10:06 AM

Can't say it wasn't a thought shortly after D day , but no I do not want to have a RA but WH is fearful of it

Knowing posted 5/24/2013 10:12 AM

We can takes steps to recover from the A, go to IC & MC, getting support on SI and IRL, but as far as "prevention" goes, the WS has to be willing to do the work of finding out why they had an A in order to prevent themselves from doing it again.

losingmyground posted 5/24/2013 10:19 AM

1. NC ever with his MOW.
2. No friendships of the opposite sex that make the other spouse feel uncomfortable. No matter how long the friendship.
3. Open access from both parties on email, facebook, phones etc. Any changes without notification is the same as starting up all over again. Major deal breaker for me.
4. COMMUNICATION IS A MUST. Get it off your chest ASAP. Letting it linger only brings about bad feelings which can lead to bad actions.
5. Listen without getting defensive.
6. Any texts/calls must returned ASAP, within reason, by both spouses.

sisoon posted 5/24/2013 10:29 AM

To the above, I added 'IC with a goal of changing the thoughts and feelings that supported the A to ones that support being a great partner.'

I urge you to go for a great M. That'll be a lot more joyful and satisfying than a relationship in which your WS just doesn't cheat again.

ladya posted 5/24/2013 11:42 AM

Absolutely NC with the OW.
No female friends-NONE
No flirting
No more long days at work
Treat me with respect-always
Marriage counseling
Spend time with me
Make me feel special
Marriage retreat
Full disclosure (that one took over 2 years)
Full transparency

I'm sure there were more because I literally had a list. :)

ladies_first posted 5/24/2013 15:22 PM

Listen without getting defensive.

It's also advisable to get WS input during any/all BOUNDARIES discussions, so they don't bitch about being "controlled" or being treated like a child.

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