SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

cali1002 posted 5/24/2013 09:58 AM

I’m afraid to talk to my WH. I want to ask him, yet again, if more happened than what he has admitted to. I think he will say the same as always, “No, I have told you everything.” I’m afraid he will get mad that I keep asking every month or two. Afraid he will get tired of trying and turn away instead. He has been trying. He hugs me, tells me he loves me, asks what is wrong when I clam up (I say, “Nothing.”), he does things around the house for me, he tries to spend time together as a family (For example, last weekend, the four of us stayed at a hotel not too far from us to celebrate Mother’s Day and his birthday – we had nice meals together, participated in a 5K together. It was nice, but still a little tense between us). Last night, we were all watching TV together – something we generally don’t do together. He came over and sat next to me, held my hand. He doesn’t get mad or impatient, he really seems to just try to get closer, while I act like a cold fish.

Maybe I’m just looking for something that isn’t there. I’ve been checking his phone and email and have found nothing. But I don’t think he has been up to anything since D-Day, so I don’t know what I’m looking for. Maybe he has told me everything. Regarding the one he was “just friends” with, maybe they didn’t have sex, maybe it was just an EA. If it was, than he has already told me that, so what am I trying to dig up? Yesterday at work, I heard him for a second on the phone and was wondering if it was her. It was work related and he could have been talking to anyone. Why did I think it was her? Am I just obsessing?

We are going on a full week long family vacation mid-June with two other families. I don’t want to blow everything up and ruin that vacation, but I also don’t want to go with this huge wall between us. I’m afraid if I try to talk to him, I’m going to make everything worse than better.

I’m rambling a bit today – maybe it’s the full moon or the three day weekend. I feel like I need to talk to him, but am so afraid to do it.

Knowing posted 5/24/2013 10:26 AM

I wasn't familiar with your situation so I read your profile.

I know what it's like to feel like you are afraid to talk, to ask things... The thing is we can't recover/reconcile if we don't know what we're recovering/reconciling from. It's normal for you to wonder/have doubts and you really owe yourself the right to ask.

I also know what it's like to be M to an older man... There's a dynamic, he doesn't always treat me as quite "equal".

Are you in MC? You could also set aside some time every week to ask your questions, which is what we do.

sisoon posted 5/24/2013 10:37 AM

My heart goes out to you, with a gentle 2 X 4. Why stay with a guy you can't be truthful with? And how can he be truthful with you when you don't say what's important to you?

You may, in fact, know something about everything - I certainly hope you do - but still have questions that are meaningful to you. Start with simple 'who, what, where, when, why, how' questions. Ask 'What did you say/think/feel/do when _______.'

If your H won't answer, he's not fully or sufficiently committed to R, and the sooner you know that, the better.

You have to risk your M to save it.

You've got the courage and the power you need, cali. If you don't feel it, look inside - it's there.

cali1002 posted 5/24/2013 13:57 PM

I'll talk to him this weekend. I think it will be hard, but we have only really talked in-depth a few times, or if I have had too much wine and I am upset, crying and can't remember everything that was said - that happens about once every three months. More talk, less wine this time. :)

We aren't in MC. Right after D-Day he said he would go - do whatever it takes. I started looking for a counselor, but it was difficult for me to find one I liked. A few months passes, I had a wine night, mentioned that we we should go and he was like, "we don't need that, we can just work it out together." More months go by, we aren't working it out very well - well, it's not working for me anyway. I met with an IC last week that I liked a lot and will continue to go to. I haven't told him that I am going yet. Maybe we will talk about it this weekend.

covergirl20 posted 5/24/2013 15:38 PM

I'm exactly where you are. I just have so many questions. I still wonder about things. I'm annoyed about things. Still get worked up wondering who he is texting now or talking to or if he is where he is supposed to be even though I know it's over with HER. But I used to KNOW he would never cheat- So I guess I'm afraid that my "knowledge" is not as good as I thought it was. :(
I don't know what to do either. It always turns into a fight. Then I manage to bring up wonderful points when alone but when I do ask him things or bring complaints up- it manages to turn into a fight. Not a drag out fight- but it starts with him saying "i know I suck" and ends with him saying "if you would have....than I wouldn't have..." and then I'M angry. So yeah- not helpful.
I guess with all my rambling I'm here to say I feel your pain.
I say nothing. He gets mad. He told me after d-day that maybe it wouldn't have happened if I would have come to him to tell him when I was upset. um???ok??? I wasn't the one who cheated and he never had any problem complaining to ME about things I didn't do perfectly (and I always worked hard to change myself/behaviors to make him happy).
I believe in talking but talking only helps when you know that someone is listening.
:( I'm sorry. So sorry. Good luck.

ladies_first posted 5/24/2013 15:48 PM

Tools to help...

In Imago Relationship Therapy, Dr. Hendrix says there are three steps couples can practice to help them communicate effectively and heal both past and present wounds:

Mirroring: First, couples learn how to listen and mirror back exactly what they hear rather than an interpretation or reaction to what they've heard. They should use expressions such as "I have something to say..." and "Let me see if I've got that..."
Validating: Once both partners have clearly spoken and been listened to, they can then validate each other without necessarily agreeing. They should use statements such as "That makes sense because..."
Empathizing: At this point in the process, both partners can identify with the other partner's expressed thought process and feelings, Dr. Hendrix says. To convey this new-found understanding, he says they should use language to the effect of "I can imagine what you're feeling..."

still2suspicious posted 5/24/2013 16:06 PM

Can you write down your questions, as you think of them, and then set aside a specific time for you and H to sit down and discuss them? Or email them to him, so he can think over his answers, and reply, thereby hopefully eliminating the "getting mad" part?

Have you set up your boundaries?

How about a poly? From your profile it looks like he likes to come dangerously close to the edge. If you have it all he should have no problems with the poly. If he does then you may have your answer right there

You will never recover until you have all that YOU need.

I also work with H, and some times it just sucks, doesn't it??? There's no break from crap in our lives

nekokamisama posted 5/24/2013 16:13 PM

I can relate 100% to you on the communications issues. My W and I just had a big argument a few days ago after I told her that I triggered on something minor and needed to talk about it. She has almost always answered my questions, but she is getting angry that it seems like I am asking the same questions over and over again and she "hates repeating herself." She understands that I may still have questions regarding the timeline and such, especially when I find an anomaly. It doesn't happen very often anymore since I have been over it all many times since last summer and have pretty much accepted her answers by now.

I also have been checking up on her since D-Day and NC and have found nothing which indicates any contact with OM. I do find myself not needing to check as often now and am able to keep the EA and OM from my thoughts a lot more.

I do still trigger when she gets a text message or call on her phone and she knows this and handles it appropriately.

Every day since I first suspected that they were more than "just friends" has been difficult for me, but there was a point where things started to get better. It has been slow but we are making progress.

cali1002 posted 5/25/2013 09:27 AM

Well, we talked last night and had a good conversation. Other than a few expletives here and there it was a calm talk with most of the tears coming from him instead of me. I think we will be okay. He shows such strong remorse. Knowing the OW, I believe he is telling me everything. I also told him that I didn't want to work at our business anymore and why and he understands. I will still have to go in occasionally, but that that's the nature of owning a business. All I can do now is move forward. I think we will be stronger.