Maybe Iím just looking for something that isnít there. Iíve been checking his phone and email and have found nothing. But I donít think he has been up to anything since D-Day, so I donít know what Iím looking for. Maybe he has told me everything. Regarding the one he was ďjust friendsĒ with, maybe they didnít have sex, maybe it was just an EA. If it was, than he has already told me that, so what am I trying to dig up? Yesterday at work, I heard him for a second on the phone and was wondering if it was her. It was work related and he could have been talking to anyone. Why did I think it was her? Am I just obsessing?
We are going on a full week long family vacation mid-June with two other families. I donít want to blow everything up and ruin that vacation, but I also donít want to go with this huge wall between us. Iím afraid if I try to talk to him, Iím going to make everything worse than better.
Iím rambling a bit today Ė maybe itís the full moon or the three day weekend. I feel like I need to talk to him, but am so afraid to do it.
I know what it's like to feel like you are afraid to talk, to ask things... The thing is we can't recover/reconcile if we don't know what we're recovering/reconciling from. It's normal for you to wonder/have doubts and you really owe yourself the right to ask.
I also know what it's like to be M to an older man... There's a dynamic, he doesn't always treat me as quite "equal".
Are you in MC? You could also set aside some time every week to ask your questions, which is what we do.
We are in R.
You may, in fact, know something about everything - I certainly hope you do - but still have questions that are meaningful to you. Start with simple 'who, what, where, when, why, how' questions. Ask 'What did you say/think/feel/do when _______.'
If your H won't answer, he's not fully or sufficiently committed to R, and the sooner you know that, the better.
You have to risk your M to save it.
You've got the courage and the power you need, cali. If you don't feel it, look inside - it's there.
We aren't in MC. Right after D-Day he said he would go - do whatever it takes. I started looking for a counselor, but it was difficult for me to find one I liked. A few months passes, I had a wine night, mentioned that we we should go and he was like, "we don't need that, we can just work it out together." More months go by, we aren't working it out very well - well, it's not working for me anyway. I met with an IC last week that I liked a lot and will continue to go to. I haven't told him that I am going yet. Maybe we will talk about it this weekend.
In Imago Relationship Therapy, Dr. Hendrix says there are three steps couples can practice to help them communicate effectively and heal both past and present wounds:
Mirroring: First, couples learn how to listen and mirror back exactly what they hear rather than an interpretation or reaction to what they've heard. They should use expressions such as "I have something to say..." and "Let me see if I've got that..."
Validating: Once both partners have clearly spoken and been listened to, they can then validate each other without necessarily agreeing. They should use statements such as "That makes sense because..."
Empathizing: At this point in the process, both partners can identify with the other partner's expressed thought process and feelings, Dr. Hendrix says. To convey this new-found understanding, he says they should use language to the effect of "I can imagine what you're feeling..."
Have you set up your boundaries?
How about a poly? From your profile it looks like he likes to come dangerously close to the edge. If you have it all he should have no problems with the poly. If he does then you may have your answer right there
You will never recover until you have all that YOU need.
I also work with H, and some times it just sucks, doesn't it??? There's no break from crap in our lives
I also have been checking up on her since D-Day and NC and have found nothing which indicates any contact with OM. I do find myself not needing to check as often now and am able to keep the EA and OM from my thoughts a lot more.
I do still trigger when she gets a text message or call on her phone and she knows this and handles it appropriately.
Every day since I first suspected that they were more than "just friends" has been difficult for me, but there was a point where things started to get better. It has been slow but we are making progress.
D-Day 2004 (my EA/PA, her EA almost PA)
D-Day 2005 (her EA)
D-Day 8/28/2012 (TT her EA)
D-Day #2 7/22/2013 (more TT)
D-Day #3 7/24/2013 (Truth 2.0 EA/ PA)