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Question about reconciliation.

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libertyrocks posted 5/24/2013 11:26 AM

I know us, BS's are not allowed to start threads in WS forum, but I do have a question for you WS. I hope this is ok. Someone please let me know if it's not. Thanks.

I asked my H, but wondering where you all stand...

Is your life still fulfilling and are you genuinely happy your BS took you back and going through R?

For 3 years, my H got to go party, work at a bar, hang out with girls, call them, text them, screw them, go to college kid places like bars and clubs while I stood home taking care of the babies and putting in 12 hour days to bring home the bacon and provide medical benefits for all of us. I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself, AT ALL. I am truly thankful I'm a strong woman and can do just about anything.

Q I ask H.
Do you really want to do this? With me and the kids? It's hard, it sucks, it's tiring, it's boring. Taking baths, changing diapers, cleaning up puke, wiping boogies, going to tiny tots, cleaning messes, grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, cleaning, it's not nearly as fun as all the partying he used to do.

He's been answering Yes, he loves every minute of it now that he's sober and feels like he's finally becoming a man.

Just wanted to see others think of their "new" life with gift of R, BS (and kids).

cali1002 posted 5/24/2013 11:36 AM

I want to take 3 years off to go party, hang out with guys & screw them & not have to do laundry, make dinner, drive my kids around to all their activities. I say that in jest, but how nice for the WS to have their dinner and eat it too.

Sorry - I know this message wasn't directed to BS's.

libertyrocks posted 5/24/2013 11:42 AM

haha, Cali! It's all good. :)

Darkness Falls posted 5/24/2013 12:13 PM

I'd like to reply to this, but I've been waiting to see if it'll be left here and allowed to be answered or if a mod will swoop in and say it needs to be asked in the "questions for WSs" thread.

I'm off work today, so I'm going to run to the store for something to drink. If this topic hasn't been locked when I get back, I'll answer.

ms521 posted 5/24/2013 12:21 PM

I don't know if the mods will sweep you over the the "I can relate" forum, where there's a whole thread for "Questions for the WS," or not. But since it does relate to reconciliation, I will tell you that *I* (as a FWW) am grateful daily that my husband gave me a second chance. I told him back then I would spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to him, if he let me.

The thing is, it's not just about proving to him that I could be a better person... he gave me the opportunity to prove it to myself too. It's taken a lot of work, in fact - MC has shown that I *still* have WS work to figure out!! But it's worth it. Even if I knew then what I know now (that my BS would become a repeat WH!), I would still take the chance. R is such a gift, especially to a WS who believes change is possible.

libertyrocks posted 5/24/2013 12:24 PM

Oh! Thanks everyone. Ok, we'll just wait because I don't know how to delete a thread. I didn't realize there's a WS Q thread. Thank you everyone!

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 12:26 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

Darkness Falls posted 5/24/2013 12:50 PM

Back from my hot-tea run (in 90-degree weather! )

Let me preface by saying that my XH and I didn't and don't have children, so I have no experience with the aspects of R'ing with kids involved.

Is your life still fulfilling and are you genuinely happy your BS took you back and going through R?

I'll be honest. In some ways, my life was better while XH and I were apart. I was more confident. I was able to do more things I liked due to not having to accommodate someone else's schedule. I was able to save way more money because I didn't have to watch it go to XH's housing-bubble properties that he eventually let get foreclosed on anyway.

When we talked about R, he was actually the one to ask me to come back, and he brought with him a lot of shit from our time apart that we had to deal with. HIS life actually got worse after the divorce, mostly by his own choices. I was very gung-ho to get back together myself, all during our time apart, and he knew this...but had I known exactly what was really going on during that time (both financially and his post-D-day "relationship" with a former friend), I would not have been so keen on wanting him back, nor would I likely have agreed to R. One thing my mom told me, and I agree with her: just because I committed adultery does not mean I have to give up my right to make choices and decide if someone else's actions are a dealbreaker for me.

That being said, we choose every day to stay together. We might be stuck renting for the rest of our lives due to his fiscal skydive without a parachute. Just like pre-A, we have to keep putting off having kids waiting for that mythical day when it's "time." And he has to deal with my shit....God knows what goes through his mind even 3 years later when he remembers what I did. Not to mention all of my other small annoyances that make me charmingly me. But we choose it. We decided we're better together than apart...so we're together.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 2:54 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

authenticnow posted 5/24/2013 14:50 PM

I remember a very dear and wise friend saying to me to enjoy the small things. During my As I was seeking something, something shallow, something fake, to fulfill what was empty inside me. I was looking for excitement, thrills, even danger. (Having always been the 'good girl', the one who did things the 'right' way always).

After my As I started to focus on what is real and good in my life. I have so many blessings, mostly a husband who has been with me through so many of life's challenges and triumphs. I have two kids who bring so much fulfillment to my life.

I started to appreciate all of us sitting down to a meal together, running errands with my H, making decisions as a couple, etc.

Whatever mundane is, I love it. I guess I've learned (the hard way unfortunately) how to appreciate it, and definitely to never take all that I am blessed with for granted again.

ladies_first posted 5/24/2013 15:14 PM

It's hard, it sucks, it's tiring, it's boring. Taking baths, changing diapers, cleaning up puke, wiping boogies, going to tiny tots, cleaning messes, grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, cleaning, it's not nearly as fun as all the partying he used to do.

This is all part of being a FATHER, which is his responsibility regardless of R. If he ends up divorced, he still needs to do grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, cleaning.

Don't think Either/Or
Choose BOTH/AND...

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