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WH's Brother bad mouthed me to ow

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sri624 posted 5/24/2013 11:32 AM

my wh's brother bad mouthed me to the ow during our separation. he never liked me...and to learn from the (ow) that he was talking about me in such a bad way to the ow is really painful. it is humilating to me. and i am having a hard time getting past this as we attempt to r.

even the fact that his family communicated with her in any way is hurtful....the obviously are not "friends to the marriage". i am sure that at the time, my wh allowed that communication....he was in the fog as well.

but to learn that the brother bad mouthed me to her...is something that i dont think i can forgive. i never cared for him anyway...he has alaways been a jerk...but this seems to cross the line.

is it okay if i just never speak to him again? i dont care if they all know why.

my little boy can go over to his family's house for visits...but i just dont want to be involved.

is that okay?

twodoves posted 5/24/2013 11:34 AM

I think that's completely ok, but you and WH need to be on the same page.

You're absolutely right that he's not a friend of the marriage, but i think this is something that you and WH need to enforce together for it to really work.

libertyrocks posted 5/24/2013 16:21 PM

My SIL stopped talking to me after our Dday. For the last months,she's been trying to contact me. I cannot find the love in my heart for she abandoned me when I needed her the most. We were genuinely friends. She hates her brother, my H. She will not even look at him to this very day.

Yes, completley acceptable! I would go NC with that family.

I'm sorry, that must be hard to go through. Oh, also my other SIL took the liberty of telling her friends. When my mom went to the store, the checker/SIL's friend asked my mom if I was still with H!!!

As if this the infidelity isn't hard enough to get through!! I've had my share of getting burned when I never did anything wrong to either of my SIL's. It makes me sad...

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 4:22 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

crazyblindsided posted 5/24/2013 16:22 PM

Absolutely okay

mesoSTUPID posted 5/24/2013 17:25 PM

I have not gone through this but in my opinion if you're not a friend to the marriage you don't belong in my life blood or not...

BeyondBreaking posted 5/24/2013 21:18 PM

On the one hand, I completely understand where you are coming from and I agree with you. With my DD's dad,I found out that his family knew and had also been keeping it secret from me because they hated me. Those were some hard emails to read.

I tried to R with him for a while, and I wanted nothing to do with his family. I finally broke down and said he could take DD over there- but it made R really hard. And it was really hard on DD. she was just a baby, and that was difficult enough. As she is older, I can't imagine.

You are certainly welcome to react any way that you like. I support you. But consider what your boundaries are, what situations may come up. Are you never going to see the brother for holidays? Birthdays? Is he allowed at your house? What do you do if he talks to you? Whatever course of action you choose to take, go in with a game plan.

sunshine226 posted 5/24/2013 21:30 PM

My WH's brother and sil added OW on FB, and i have them both blocked

By adding her, they have shown how little my feelings matters, how little I matter, they have no respect for our relationship, no respect for me or for our family

Thankfully they live 3000 kms away and I managed to avoid them when they visit last summer and will continue anytime they are near

I have told WH that if we reconcile that they are not a part of my family anymore. They are enemies to our relationship, my kids are old enough to have a relationship with them, they will always be related, but as for me, forget it

Hang in there

Hearthache again posted 5/24/2013 23:42 PM

I feel for you. My SIL was one who initiated contact between my H and OW#1. They were BFF's. My SIL even had the nerve to invite OW to family functions prior to dday when we were present. I have little contact with her. I refuse to until I get an apology. She also is not allowed around our children unsupervised because she obviously has poor judgement and bad character.

I don't get these people. If you don't like us that's fine, but they are not only hurting us but our WS and children too. In my opinion they are worse than the WS and OW because in most cases they are motivated by dislike and hate. The get nothing out of it but happiness from someone else's heartache. In my case she has showed no emotion or remorse from what she did. She need psychological help.

You stick to your guns. Your WS also needs to set up very strict boundaries and stick to them. I would also think about what is being said about you in front of your child when they visit these people. You need to know if anything negative about you is being said. Stuff like that are not emotionally healthy for a child to hear.

[This message edited by Hearthache again at 11:43 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

wanttogoforward posted 5/25/2013 07:20 AM

I get how you feel... I was bad mouthed a great deal every time my H was having trouble of any kind... I know he is not close with his family, but when the going gets tough- or should I say H feels like getting going, then I know I was bad mouthed ALOT!! And each time we were able to patch things up his family acted kind of like nothing happened, but I know better....
It hurts to realize they had no loyalty at all to me or my children....
Now, I was the best possible in law ever, and I don't regret taking the high road. But I always felt I wasn't good enough for my H when they were around... and when I wasn't around they let H know in many ways that I wasn't good enough or right for him.
Move on with your life. Ignore the family drama with his brother... my H never speaks to his brother.... and his parents are deceased now, so that drama in my life in now gone... and to tell the truth I am relieved.... we live our life, and don't talk about his family much. he recognizes how messed up they were now.
It's ok to have your child go over with your H... as long as they are good to him and don't talk about you to your child... sometimes if you can avoid drama, it's just best.

Laura28 posted 5/25/2013 07:38 AM

Hi honey

You don't need anyone's permission.

After dday I cut off most of FWH's family and so did my adult children (I never encouraged them to, they just did it). That was 3 years ago and I am much happier for it.

I have never tried to stop him having any contact etc and have actually encouraged him to maintain it.

They don't know about his As. They are the types who would blame me so I didn't tell.

Do what works for you.

BIG HUGS

Laura

RidingHealingRd posted 5/25/2013 20:57 PM

Rid yourself of the toxic people in your life and do so without guilt. I have dumped people with no guilt and absolutely NO regret.

I just read this on SI but I am sorry I can't remember who posted it:

You don't ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. It doesn't matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend, or a new acquaintance. You don't have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It's one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and continues to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go. ~Danielle Koepke~

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 8:58 PM, May 25th (Saturday)]

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