SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Bellecatprincess posted 5/24/2013 12:01 PM

I have a question. I hardly ever see anything positive happening here on this forum.

If we are all in R where are the positive postings? The positive things we can work on to learn from? Shouldn't we share what is working instead of only the things that are not working?

This is so hard. I want to see that it can be worth it. I want to see that someone on here is happy that they are trying R. My life is so full of the negative because of this situation. I would love to see what trying can get me. If it is only going to be heartache and sadness from here on out then why R?

Sorry just trying to see the silver lining.

http://successify.net/2012/10/31/22-things-happy-people-do-differently/

tryinghard2013 posted 5/24/2013 12:06 PM

It took over two years but I'm happy I stayed with my h. Lots of crying and forgiving burning can honestly say for us it was worth working on r its not easy I had so many ups and downs one day I'm fine next day I was enraged then something in me decided that I had to truly forgive him if it was going to work and I'm happy I did.

libertyrocks posted 5/24/2013 12:06 PM

Actually, crazy as it seems, I'm proud to say I'm in a pretty good place right now. :)

IC and MC have worked wonders so far.

H and I talk. A lot. And, we have sex. A lot. For me, as long as we're connected emotionally and physically, we seem do be doing just fine.

R is hard, it's not for wimps. It's extremely hard. Sometimes, for me, I think S or D would be easier. But, I mean if both want to R, then that's a good start. If one's not willing, then it's no good.

It's painful. Sometimes everday, sometimes all day.

I'm choosing to recreate memories of triggers instead of letting them get the best of me.

I do not and will not take OW to our bed. That's my sex life and my H.

Those are few of the things I have going for me so far...

Hope it helps.

If ANYONE wants R, they will find a way to get it.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 12:16 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

Tred posted 5/24/2013 12:11 PM

Belle,

The first thread in R is entirely devoted to positive stories:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=439392

R is a journey with many diversions and obstacles. I think there is a difference in being Reconciled and Reconciliation. As the forum description reads, this is the place to share your struggles, successes, failures, triggers, etc. in the process.

Bellecatprincess posted 5/24/2013 12:28 PM

Tred - I have been to the positive forum it is outdated and old nothing new since before I joined. We all seem to bond and offer advice to each other when we make a posting that is new and fresh.

I understand this forum is the place to share your struggles, successes, failures, triggers, etc. in the process.

I have posted several times asking for guidance in my struggles, failures and triggers.

I would like us all to maybe take a minute and celebrate the successes also not just the negative. When something positive works it gives all of us a sense of maybe that can happen to me.

[This message edited by Bellecatprincess at 12:29 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

Sal1995 posted 5/24/2013 13:21 PM

BCP, I'll share something positive. Last weekend my WW and I had a huge fight and I went to a hotel, where I stayed for a couple of nights. But yesterday we had a great MC session, we made love last night, and we've planned a romantic dinner for tomorrow night. We spend lots of time talking, even about painful things. HB seemed to be over a couple of weeks back, but now it appears to have restarted.

I HATE what she did, but I LOVE her and our kids. And it feels like we will make this marriage work.

How's that for positive?

Bellecatprincess posted 5/24/2013 13:39 PM

Sal1995 that is wonderful!! Thank you!

VD2012 posted 5/24/2013 14:13 PM

LoveActually has a nice post today that has a great message from someone 4 years out.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=497165

LA44 created a very nice post yesterday asking people to share what they are doing to reconcile.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=497099

tryin2havefaith had a nice post from earlier this week as someone who is 2 and a half years out there I consider very positive.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=496763

stillcrying4ever had a nice post a few days ago about a tender moment between her and her husband.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=496979

Didn't want to mention it, but my post from the other day was regarded as a very positive post if only going by the replies.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=496803

That's one nice/positive post from Monday to today off the top of my head. I'm sure there's at least a handful more, and there's always the occasional update or generalized question threads that have good things in them. Of course they do get outnumbered by the struggles and heartache, but the positive stories are there.

You can also take it to mind that those who are likely in a good place in life with their spouse or doing well with their reconciliation aren't prone to post as much. They're enjoying their lives or the fruits of their labour.

Don't get too mired in the negative. Reconciliation works and people go on to live great fulfilling lives.

Oh another thing I recall is a post by karmahappens that was great to read in the following thread.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=497025

Positivity is out there.

AFrayedKnot posted 5/24/2013 14:43 PM

I am gun shy of being too positive. Every time I say I am in a really good place the rollercoaster hits.

But....

We are in a really good place. We are both working hard on ourselves and our R.

She is becoming the woman I always knew she could be. Her boundaries are getting stronger every day. The change is glaring.

For me the anger is gone. The anxiety and paranoia are a minimum. I have found freedom to be me and speak my mind.

For us, our communication has never been better. Our intimacy has never been better. Our participation has never been better. Our teamwork and shared goals have never been better. Our future has never looked better.

ladies_first posted 5/24/2013 15:37 PM

Bellecatprincess, you've discovered the magic ratio~ 5:1

Relationships thrive when there are 5 (or more) positive exchanges to every 1 negative exchange.

This work began with noted psychologist John Gottman’s exploration of positive-to-negative ratios in marriages. Using a 5:1 ratio, which Gottman dubbed “the magic ratio,” he and his colleagues predicted whether 700 newlywed couples would stay together or divorce by scoring their positive and negative interactions in one 15-minute conversation between each husband and wife. Ten years later, the follow-up revealed that they had predicted divorce with 94% accuracy.

DixieD posted 5/24/2013 17:07 PM

Sometimes the subtle things are easy to overlook, but they can be the most valuable positive parts of R. They aren't grand sweeping gestures or even small romantic ones. They are the nuts and bolts necessary to make long-term progress.

Today I was busy doing something and my husband was busy doing something. He was running into difficulty and I made a comment which I thought was benign. It wasn't directed at him, just the situation, and actually it was meant to be positive. He responded with something that seemed ever so slightly from a victim stance but nothing serious. I didn't comment further and went back to work. Within a few minutes he came back and apologized for being short with me. I didn't think he had been short with me. He said he noticed and it bothered him and he needed to correct himself.

That may not seem like much, but for a guy who was extremely PA, who took any comment from me about a situation as a direct attack on him -- to the point that if I said it looked like rain, he'd take it to mean that I was blaming him for a cloudy day. And he would never tell me he felt that way, instead, he would either get pissy or pout. Now, realizing how he felt, that my comment was actually meant to be benign, how he reacted to it internally was his issue, and then to acknowledge it and correct himself on his own -- is huge. And, it's not the first time he's done this. Sometimes reading about PA men makes it seems hopeless and change is impossible. Not true.

You can also take it to mind that those who are likely in a good place in life with their spouse or doing well with their reconciliation aren't prone to post as much. They're enjoying their lives or the fruits of their labour.

Very true.

NoraLee posted 5/24/2013 20:04 PM

My H surprised me with a romantic getaway to Niagra Falls. It was wonderful. Then the day after our return, he couldn't go to work because left his work shoes in the hotel room and he was going to the mall to buy new ones. He asked if I wanted to go and I begged off because work was exhausting. He said he understood. Then 30 minutes later, he came up to me and said...." I'm just saying, I understand you don't want to go but I'd really like you to come with me." I said - Why? And he replied,"because I like spending time with you" this is so new to me - before the A - we didn't do anything together - like he didn't like me or enjoy me.

Then last night, while he was at work - I had an ick moment and started to panic a little....so I check his web history...and on his break, he was looking up the quaint 5 star inn where we were married 17 years ago. Looks like I might be getting another surprise once finances allow!

We have hiccups - more like I do - moments of fear and doubt - but I love him more than I ever have. And I often find myself thinking how lucky I am to have him...and that's difficult to reconcile with infidelity. But we talk and honesty is forefront in our new marriage - that and consideration, and affection. Most often we mourn the 17 years we were married and didn't have this closeness.

forgivingnow posted 5/25/2013 10:41 AM

Dday was 3-19-11, dday #2 was 10-5-11. I am still working thru things but our marriage is in the best place it ever has been. We have both worked very hard, have committed to being all in, to making each other a priority. We gave "us" a second chance and we held on tighter. We choose to love and to do loving things for each other. Our sex life is incredible . We communicate. This is hard work, committment and so worth it. We leave on a trip next week to celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary and I would marry this man all over again.
It is worth it to work to get thru this pain and begin again. I love my husband.

BeyondBreaking posted 5/25/2013 20:52 PM

I have something positive to say:

I picked up my wedding veil today. I already have my dress (still have some alterations), underwear picked out, bridesmaids have their dresses, WF has his suit, and the groomsmen are fitted. Whiles king out my veil, I found my dream shoes, and my daughter tried on a flower girl dress. It fit her perfectly, it was the last one in stock, and we bout it on the spot! Other than jewelry, my wedding outfit is complete!

Today was a good day.

Dare2Trust posted 5/26/2013 00:36 AM

Bellecatprincess,

In your other post: You just caught your WH with the OW - and your WH told you to leave. He did not choose your over the OW.

Personally: I'd sugguest you may need to be posting in the Just Found Out or Generl Forums to seek the help, advice you need. Your husband is still activelty involved in this affair: your marriage can't begin to "reconcile, until he's willing to END THE AFFAIR.

I'm really sorry for the pain and turmoil you're going through.

Undone1 posted 5/26/2013 11:49 AM

Great question...I find that I don't post unless I am struggling and need support.

I have been in a good place since last Thursday following MC. I have tried to work on "feeling better about myself." Hair, nails, new clothes has only been a bandaid on my heart. In MC I have been discussing how I can personally work on my emotional health, not just the superficial.

In reading the book "Goodbye Prince Charming" I have begun to follow authors idea. Instead of journaling about events, I have been practicing being still and have been journaling about the hard questions I am asking myself. I am addressing my real fears of trusting my WH. I am addressing thru journaling my real fear about letting go of the OW. I am asking myself the hard question as to why I keep bringing up the affair to my WH even when I know the answer already. The A has brought out all of my weaknesses and magnified them. I am thinking and behaving in ways that I am not proud of. So I have started to take care of my emotional self instead of looking to someone else. I am calming my mind, praying, journaling, and I am feeling stronger, calmer, and better about me. I am working on forgiveness for me!

[This message edited by Undone1 at 12:01 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]

Blobette posted 5/26/2013 18:54 PM

Things are going pretty well for me. I don't post much about it because I'm so scared I'm just fooling myself, that I'm an idiot to be thinking that this is salvageable, that it's all going to come crashing down.

My WH has been committed to R pretty much from DD - he had about a week of breaking through the fog - but his understanding of what R meant was pretty rudimentary. It's been a long slog in getting him to "get it", but I think lately he's getting closer. He's really trying to understand how he could have done this - he recently read an essay where he really related to the narrator, and he could see how he did what he did as a result. He's had a lot of behavior changes, too - the other day he met me at the car with an umbrella (it was pouring with rain). That kind of stuff.

My problem, as ever, is that WH was always a fairly nice guy, so I still have my guard up. I'm still so hurt that it's hard for me to feel good about any of this. I keep panicking that I'm still being fooled and the rug is going to be pulled out from under me again...

But in terms of his behavior, I can't say that it's reasonable to ask for much more than what he's doing. You can't expect emotional behaviors built up over nearly 50 years to break down over a few months. I think he's genuinely trying. The question is whether I will ever again feel loved (or allow myself to feel loved). Objectively, I do believe he loves me. But I'm not feeling it. Plain of lethal flatness? Perhaps.

[This message edited by Blobette at 7:17 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]

TXBW68 posted 5/26/2013 21:00 PM

I don't usually post unless I need support also. I do read and comment on others' threads in an effort to help them though.

Positive Note: I have discovered that my husband led a double-life for 6 years before he left me last year. Since DDay 2 in April, he has turned into the husband that I always thought I had, but didn't. He is totally remorseful but more importantly, he finally gets it. He has made the changes for himself. He's discovered that he likes himself better now. His boundaries are great. He recognizes that he was broken, not the marriage. He realizes that I am the most important person in his life and he treats me as such. He feels free now that I know everything. He talks to me. He respects me. He loves me the way I deserve to be loved.

We are rebuilding our life together. Our kids are healing. We still have occasional triggers to deal with. But overall, we are happy!

For you: Lots of hugs! I read your post about going to your husband's job and finding the OW there. Based on my experience last year, I agree with Dare that the R forum might not be the place for you to find the correct type of support right now. Of course, we're all here for you! But the R forum may be too much of a trigger for you right now. I would suggest General or JFO also. Maybe even take a chance with D/S. When my H chose OW4 over me, the wonderful people in D/S took me in and helped me survive the trauma.

((more hugs))

NoraLee posted 5/27/2013 18:30 PM

Dare2trust - bellecat started this thread before she had a new Dday...

(((bellecat)))

LA44 posted 5/27/2013 19:55 PM

Hey Bellecat....I hear you. I post MANY positive things on this thread so if you want to take a look at my history, feel free!

As VD2012 noted, I asked posters what THEY were doing to R. I did that bc I wanted to see some positive action-oriented stuff - not just want the WS is doing but what you, the BS is doing to make R happen.

Just today I posted about our 30 hour getaway and some good stuff we shared with another. Thought some might find it helpful.

SisterMilkshake often posts what I call, big smile reads as well. Karmahappens is insightful and kind.

They are out there but yes, I agree - it is good to hear what IS working.

LA