Topic: Did you get the OW side of the story?
Member # 39298
| Posted: 12:07 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013|
This whole experience has made me get obsessive over things. Right now, I am obsessing over the fact that I don't know her side of the story. Things he said, and it he was even honest on what went on. Their affair was last Nov. So do I email her and ask her? Or just drop it and hopefully find something else to obsess over?
Me- Betrayed - married 18 years
Him- 2 week affair with someone at work
lots of kids
Trying to R
Posts: 36 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 25341
| Posted: 12:16 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013|
What makes you think that she will tell you the truth?
I would NOT email the bitch, and just NC. If your WS is remorseful, you should be able to work through this with him.
It all sucks, I know. But you will be much happier just cutting her OUT of YOUR life.
Me (BS), Him (WH): mid-50's
3 DS: 21, 20, 17
M: 27 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 32
Dday: Dec 2008
Wanted R, not gonna happen
Posts: 5062 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Member # 30314
| Posted: 12:19 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013|
I called her the day after I found out. She told me two things that he never would have. They weigh heavy on me. I suppose it depends on if she's remorseful. From what ive read on here, they usually aren't.
speaking as a fww, when my AP's wife called me, I answered every question she asked honestly.
Posts: 7613 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 30826
| Posted: 12:45 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013|
I emailed AP#2(when I thought he was AP#1). He couldn't talk fast enough. He was willing to give details WH never would have given me. Upon finding out I had emailed AP,WH confessed a few things that he otherwise wouldn't have told me.
I know the majority of SI members say not to contact the AP. But,in my case,it was absolutely the best thing I could have done.
M: June 2001
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Posts: 12744 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 30631
| Posted: 12:45 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013|
No, it was clear what she wanted.
Don't bother, hoes under buses lie and don't care anyway, not about you or your family.
In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.
Always, tell the other BS! Always!
"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!
Posts: 917 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Member # 39135
| Posted: 1:04 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013|
I somewhat disagree with the normal school of thought. If you feel like it will help you put that obsession behind you then do it, with a minor nugget of wisdom...
Go into it with the understanding that you are very unlikely to get the answers that you seek, you will almost definitely be lied to and manipulated. Regardless of truth or lies the answers you get you will not like. Even if the OP is/was in the dark or lied too as well, they do not care about you in any way shape or form and their self preservation defenses are going to kick in and they will say or do anything to free themselves of the burden of having to face their demons.
If you go into the conversation knowing these things, and still feel a need to find closure to this obsession then I say do it. But please understand the nature of the beast first.
Her: WS 42
Status: Working towards R
You never truly know what Shit creek looks like until you find yourself sitting in the middle of it without a paddle.
Posts: 76 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 35787
| Posted: 1:19 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013|
Not because I asked. When WH and I separated, he moved in with his OW1. She approached me one day when I had to stop in to talk to WH about kids. (long story on it's own). She came up to me, and gave a hug (ew) and proceed that she never meant to hurt ME, she just wanted what she wanted, and that was WH. All she did is confirm that she is and always will be a selfish bitch and that Wh is and continues to be selfish. They are not believable people. And I realized that when she opened her mouth nothing she said would ever matter to me. EVER. It would be laced with blame shifting and selfish needs than anything else. There was no ownership for contributing to the breakage of a marriage. She is not worth my time nor my thoughts.
Me: 37 and awesome
Him: 42 and not so awesome
OW1: 47 and desperate OW2: 34, freshly divorced, was once my friend OW3: is OW1 who took in WH during seperation.
Posts: 205 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Michigan
Member # 36038
| Posted: 1:32 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013|
I can't advise anybody to do anything, but in my case, I talked to both OW. I went into the conversations knowing that they'd probably lie to me, and one did, while the other was much more honest.
Both of them were civil, and OW#1 maintained that she was a "victim" of wh, while OW#2 implied she was somewhat victimized, but did take some ownership and expressed regret and remorse, bla bla bla. I'm not sure any of that stuff was sincere, but I'll tell you one thing: I feel a heck of a lot better since then.
WH: just somebody that I used to know
DDay #1: June 9, 2012
Dday #2 (TT): November 29, 2012
DDay #3 (The BIG one, ALL the TT): March 30, 2013
False R: June 12, 2012 - March 21, 2013
REAL R: March 21, 2013 - present
Posts: 360 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 22033
| Posted: 1:37 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013|
Oh yes, I got her lies.
She was still in the fog.
BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).
Posts: 3266 | Registered: Dec 2008
Member # 39117
| Posted: 1:41 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013|
Well I did e-mail the OW and found out things he would never have told me, very important things such as that he had a secret e-mail, that he head a special name for her, that he told her he loved her constantly (he always maintained that he only said it in reply to her),and so on. It was worth it for me, she told the ugly truth when he wouldn't. Hard to hear, but the truth.
Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 33202
| Posted: 1:47 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013|
No. I'm sure that the OW could tell me some unpleasant things. I expect that the AP would present itself as a victim of my lying, cheating H. I'm certainly don't think I could believe anything it said (since it coached my WH on lies to tell me) and I truly fear that I would lose control all over the place and just end up humiliating myself. Frankly, after 29 months of R, I'm not interested in anything it has to say. I think NC is the way to go with these sociopaths.
Posts: 785 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 36654
| Posted: 2:16 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013|
Yes. I got part of her side of the story. More than I would have known if she wasn't pissed at him at the time for sure. She outed him both times to me. She wanted me to know about her when he refused to tell me himself or ask me for a D. (He has always maintained he doesn't want a divorce from me and never did. He just got mixed up in it and then didn't know how to get out. Even when I knew he still took it underground, so I don't believe that. He would still be seeing her if she hadn't outed him and I would probably still be the fool in the dark thinking I had a great marriage. I know he hurt her as well, so at least I do know that she is suffering because he threw her under the bus when push came to shove. She is still attempting to break NC and a restraining order will follow if she continues to harrass us. My WH#2 now sees she is a very needy desperate woman that was looking for a man to take care of her. She wanted my life and he can now see that. It took him almost a year of foggy thinking after DDay to get there but I think he finally did. I am hoping that she finally gets the message and goes away, but I will have to wait and see what happens next. Never a dull moment at my house for sure.
Me-53 XWH#2-54 NPD, alcoholic
M-11yrs T-12yrs LTA-5yrs D-8/11/15
11/28/14 "Assault with a deadly weapon" and is now with OW
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"
Posts: 6672 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 20547
| Posted: 3:08 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013|
Only from emails she has sent me that I neither solicited nor replied to. "Her side" has ranged from FWH can't stand me, they were meant to be, to they were just "friends with benefits" and never cared for one another, etc.
The truthful AP is few and far between. The truthful/unremorseful AP doesn't exist at all.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
His OC born 2008/Adopted 2014
My Affair: 2015
Status: trying to pick up the pieces.
Posts: 2579 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
Member # 30024
| Posted: 3:11 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013|
Well, kind of. I got the OW's side of the story whilst it was pretending to be its dead second ex-husband. Wasn't quite the same story as the one FWH shares with me, but had many grains of the truth in it.
I will never ask the OW for its side of the "story". OW is a psycho stalker who has dedicated almost 13 years in the pursuit of my FWH.
BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
Posts: 12335 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Member # 34827
| Posted: 3:46 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013|
The only side from her I got was, it was a huge misunderstanding and they were just friends....lies. she covered for him, they got their stories lined out quickly. Sometimes I wish she was one of those that contacted the wife just so I could get something, anything but she lays very low.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Posts: 5731 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 38405
| Posted: 3:57 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013|
Nope, I asked her to call me and she never did. I thought she would have because the wayward didn't tell her about me so technically OW was innocent.
But I guess she doesn't care? After I told her about me, sent our wedding photos (he didn't tell her that he was engaged/newly married), and let her know of all the times he was missing where he was (with me duh)... Plus we have a son together...
I guess the money he has spent on her was more worth it to keep dealing with him regardless of his lack of honesty and our broken family.
Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!
Posts: 677 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
Member # 39145
| Posted: 4:03 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013|
I called and left her a voice mail for her to call me back to discuss this "friendship" she was having via text messages with my husband and that I wasn't very happy about it. She never called me back. But, from what I understand is that she called my WH and told him that his wife was really pissed at him and to never contact her again. As of today there has been no contact between them for over a week. I guess you have to do what is best for you but be prepared for lies and more hurt.
DD: Thanksgiving Day, 2012
Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Minnesota
Member # 35215
| Posted: 4:04 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013|
MOW lied to me. I got a little of her side, but could care less. She knew WH was married with 2 kids. What story would I want to hear really? except that maybe she was sorry for inserting her pathetic self into my life.
BS/FWS (me):42 Madhatter
WS/BS:45 Serial Cheater
Together 20 years, Married 15
DDay(s) Too many to count
Final Dday 7/11/14 Same OW2
Ducks in a Row!
"Never seek validation from those who are unworthy."
Posts: 3719 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Member # 38207
| Posted: 4:36 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013|
I talked to two of them. The one who outed my H tried to pretend she was doing the noble thing. Then, she played the victim card. Then she got angry and started calling me names. The main OW had been my friend, so the next time I heard from her after DDay, I simply let her know I didn't wish to speak to her again and asked her to leave my family alone. She also started name calling immediately. Then, defended herself by saying that she was just being a good friend and that obviously I wasn't giving him what he needed at home. I never asked either one for details. I saw some of those on yahoo messenger and in texts and they haunt me. Both conversations only left me more angry and hurt and disillusioned with humans in general.
Posts: 1539 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 31349
| Posted: 4:38 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013|
COW side: I didn't do anything. He was harassing me. I'm blocking your email. Good luck to you and your daughter.
Not worth the popping synapses.
I really fear acting without thought. -sisoon
Posts: 27940 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
|Topic Posts: 29|