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Borrowing $$ from family during D

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dazdandconfuzed posted 5/24/2013 14:37 PM

I need a reality check - to see if I'm being a jerk. My Brother (B) is getting a D. Red flags are flying everywhere, I know he's a BS, even if he says he doesn't want to know. My stbxSIL is very financially irresponsible and in a lot of ways it has contributed to the end of the M. She feels a huge sense of entitlement and gets really mad at B when he points out that they are broke. They both have high paying jobs and PhDs, between the 2 of them they clear over 150K a year. They are doing the whole inhouse separation thing and she is going out to dinner every night, traveling, shopping, etc and this past month he has had to ask me for money.

Now, my H works for a non-profit and I am a SAHM, but my H has $$$ socked away from an inheritance and he has been kind enough to agree to "lend" B $$. We are currently picking up all their IC and MC bills - so 3 appointments a week total that their insurance doesn't cover - and we are paying their mortgage because B said he will end up in forclosure if we can't help because he can't control her spending. There is a cap on how much we are willing to "lend", which B is aware of, but once we reach that number he is on his own.

So - our agreement with B is currently verbal. Their house is on the market and he said he'd pay us back when it sells. SIL has said she isn't "comfortable" agreeing to pay us back so B says it will all come out of his share of the equity. I told him I really strenuously objected to him allowing himself to be screwed like this, but we have always been close and he begged, so I gave in.

Now, it looks like B will be loosing his job next week due to a "workforce reduction". He already has another job lined up, but it is in a different state. He told me yesterday that if he does loose his job, he is going to move to new state and let his stbx stay in the house until it sells.

The problem? I am currently paying the mortage on that house and SIL has said she won't be responsible to pay me back. I don't know if I can force myself to pay for the roof over her head when he won't even be living there. B is afraid of getting his credit trashed and that have a DS2 who will loose his home. She has said she will just let the bank take it if I don't continue to pay.

This is all second hand from my B - I have paid thousands of dollars worth of their bills and she hasn't called, written, txt, nothing. Oh, and she opened her own account and is squirrling away $$$.

So - am I being an ass if I tell him I won't lend him any more $$ if she won't agree to pay back her half? I don't want to see my nephew hurt, seeing what my brother is going through is killing me, but damn I really hate that biotch right now. He refuses to get a lawyer because she said if he does will make up false domestic abuse charges against him and he's terrified she means it. I told him if he gets an L first it takes away her power but he is too scared to do anything, and he thinks if he keeps towing the line she will decide to take him back.

I don't feel right contributing to this mess. But I am also not sure it is is right of me to take away my financial support because I don't approve of his decisions (mostly no L).

movingforward13 posted 5/24/2013 16:13 PM

Love must be tough. Cut him off and let him know he needs to fend for himself if he is unable to abide by the terms.

phmh posted 5/24/2013 16:22 PM

You are not being a jerk. It sounds like you're essentially giving thousands of dollars to your STBXSIL. Even if she agrees to pay you, it's unlikely you'll see it.

He needs to see a lawyer to find out his rights. If you keep paying, you're just throwing good money after bad. If you're wealthy and don't care about not seeing the money again, you could keep it up, but otherwise my advice would be to stop the "loan."

Coraline posted 5/24/2013 17:29 PM

He needs to surprise her. Hire an attorney and move out. She can't accuse him of DV if he's not around her. Do child exchanges at the PD. He should NEVER be alone with that crazy ass.

Dreamboat posted 5/24/2013 17:47 PM

He needs a L yesterday! And he needs a court order to stop her spending. In addition, he needs to:

1) get a bank account in his name only and transfer his direct deposit and 1/2 of any cash they have
2) remove her as an authorized user from all of his credit cards
3) Remove himself as a authorized user from all of her credit cards
4) hire a realtor and sell the house as if, for a loss if he has to.

Then YOU need to stop paying his bills! They make $150K!! If his credit gets trashed then so be it -- he contributed to the problem if they make that much money and he cannot even pay his OWN mortgage! And guess what? Credit can be repaired over time. It actually goes faster than you realize (my credit was horrible after X left, now I have great credit)

I honestly cannot tell if his WW is scamming him, or he is scamming you, or both. But both of them need to be cut off. And I hate to tell you this, but you may never see that money again.

dazdandconfuzed posted 5/25/2013 12:23 PM

My B is every BS that has ever posted here that you want to just scream at because they refuse to accept the very good advice they are being given. If anyone brings up retaining an L, and everyone has - my family, all his friends - he gets angry. He has family he can borrow $$$ from but STBXSIL's family all said no - so he says it wouldn't be fair to HER for him to get an L. He said he was going to move out but she said if he "abandoned" her and their DS she would "nail him to the wall" in the D. She has said she wants to leave but she continues not to and he says "well, I can't just throw her out" even though she is no longer contributing to the bills.

We are not wealthy - but I am also not dumb and knew there was a good chance I would never see the $$$ again. If it is for my little bro it sucks, but I am OK with it. My STBXSIL? That is starting to piss me off. He just refuses to open his eyes and see her for what she is. I don't think she's necessarily evil, although it's a definately possibility. I think she is seriously mentally ill, for a number or reasons (including her family history of mental illness). Regardless of what the issue is, though, he continues to give her all the power in their relationship. Bottom line is, he won't take any of my advice and I have no control over any of that.

What I do have control over is whether or not H and I have to cut him off financially. Intellectually I know it's the right thing to do. But my heart tells me he is hurting and I have to do what I can to help him. I was just wondering if anyone here would say "I had to borrow from relatives but I didn't want to hear their advice". I feel like if I say no at this point almost like I'm trying to control him? Like he can't have my help if I don't agree with his choices?

Infidelity and it's ripple effect really suck.

Dreamboat posted 5/25/2013 13:37 PM

I borrowed my L retainer from my brother. He gave that too me gladly. But if I had asked to borrow money to pay bills because my WH was spending too much money, he would have said no. And I would have wanted him to say no.

At some point you have to ask yourself if you are enabling or helping.


debbysbaby posted 5/25/2013 15:55 PM

Yup, time to cut off the financial fountain. It's time for your brother to figure out how to handle his grown-up mess by his grown-up self. You're not helping him pay for a child's life-saving medical treatment, you're helping him stay in a dysfunctional situation since he refuses to do anything about it. You might be surprised how quickly when the financial rug is pulled out from under both of them that things come to a head and they get rolling on truly parting ways.

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