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User Topic: Still just as confused and sad
Irishar
♀ 35760
Member # 35760
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well almost a year since the balloon burst...still sad, still hurt,still confused. Wh has gone to IC. I have gone to IC. MC will have to happen but he is the one that has to set it up. Life will never be the same. The fairytale love is gone. Put on the smile to the world and hurt inside. Does happiness ever come back. He tries so hard...but he did the most hurtful thing any man can do to his wife. Can love conquer all?? Has it for anyone?

[This message edited by Irishar at 3:30 PM, May 24th (Friday)]


Be true to yourself

Posts: 63 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Saskatchewan
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I do not think love can conquer all. I think we have to be a lot more realistic than that.

Reconciliation can happen. A new marriage can be formed and great happiness can be found. But it takes time. It takes massive amounts of work. One year is kind of the tip of the iceberg, I have found.

If you are really feeling stuck, I would tell him to set that MC asap. If he can't get it done, then he really isn't trying all that hard, is he? Are you spending time together? Lots and lots and lots of time?

I'm sorry you are hurting.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6653 | Registered: Jan 2011
libertyrocks
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm keeping an eye on this post.

I wonder if the "happy" couples are not on SI anymore...


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Lostinthismess
♀ 39210
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was just siting here thinking the same. I don't feel any emotional connection to him. I don't feel love for him. Just sad.... Like he's an old friend I used to know really well. And he's doing everything he possibly can. I just want to feel real happy emotions.


'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2013
still2suspicious
♀ 31722
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ETA: I agree with Rebreather (other responses popped in before I hit send )

Yes, happiness can come back. But just not on our time schedule.

No, life will never be the same. This is a tramatic experience for anyone, and once you experience anything you "can't unring that bell". It's like anything else in life, losing a loved one, having children, moving, once you have experienced it that experience stays with you for the rest of your life.

One year out is still pretty new. But where you go from here definitely depends on just the 2 of you.

Time, just time.

[This message edited by still2suspicious at 3:47 PM, May 24th (Friday)]


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1330 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
RightTrack
♀ 36976
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The happy couples don't need SI anymore.

Posts: 643 | Registered: Sep 2012
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The happy couples don't need SI anymore.

Ah! Newbies... there are a number of happy couples on SI. They're here to lend a helping hand and interact with friends they've made over the years.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20456 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Althea
♀ 37765
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe happiness comes back. The love isn't the same, but something new that in some ways is better can emerge. We are finding that now.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 464 | Registered: Dec 2012
njgal480
♀ 24938
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It takes a long time to heal and recover from the trauma of the infidelity.

They say 2-5 yrs.

But for some it can take longer.

Is it easy? No.

But IMHO it is worth it.

If both the WS and BS are committed to saving the marriage it is possible.

Your marriage can survive the infidelity and even thrive.

Mine did...but it took awhile to get to this point.

I spent years on the emotional roller coaster.
One minute happy that I decided to R and the next wondering if I had lost my mind?

I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel until about 4 yrs post d-day (and my FWH was working his tail off to make amends and to become the husband I deserved).

Don't be too hard on yourself.

Feeling sad and confused one year post d-day is not unusual.

Things can get better.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3165 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
NoraLee
♀ 37922
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps you are experiencing the plain of lethal flatness. I've had short bouts of it but kept pushing through it. In case you haven't read about it - here's the article from the healing library:


It's a fitting title. You're flat, emotionally, in the middle of... nothing.
It can be lethal, to your relationship. And to yourself, if you stay there for a long time.

This IS a common state in recovery. Some people hit that plain a few times in the process. It's a time for you to emotionally catch your breath. As someone said, your brain has been working overtime. Your emotions have been on the wildest ride of your life.

You've built walls to protect yourself. Now you're getting to the point where maybe, just maybe, those walls can start coming down. This is an extensive battle in itself. Emotionally, you're going to need a lot of energy to do this.

This plain you're in now does not have to last a long time, and it doesn't have to end your marriage. The decision is in your hands.

When I was in that period (the first of a few times), I tried to just relax, not try to force anything, and let things happen as they did. It was a time for reflection, to see how much progress we had made to that point, and gearing up for what was ahead.

It CAN be lethal, but it can also be a big help in your recovery. It all depends on how you approach it."

BlindJustice

I have found happiness in my new normal. I still have crazy moments (eek! I posted my crazy-making last night) and I still have tears and pain. I still have moments of fear that it'll happen again.

But I also revel in that I feel cherished for the first time in my life. I enjoy having a marriage we continually work on as opposed to riding along and letting the chips fall where they may. Who knew nurturing a marriage and it's partners could be so fulfilling?

There is no structured timeline and we heal according to our unique circumstances and schedules. Do I think live conquers all? No - I think hard work and a strong will from both marriage partners can.

Good luck and I hope you find happiness and contentment in your marriage again. ((irishar))


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
mamak
♀ 35969
Member # 35969
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well almost a year since the balloon burst...still sad, still hurt,still confused. Wh has gone to IC. I have gone to IC. MC will have to happen but he is the one that has to set it up. Life will never be the same. The fairytale love is gone. Put on the smile to the world and hurt inside. Does happiness ever come back. He tries so hard...but he did the most hurtful thing any man can do to his wife. Can love conquer all?? Has it for anyone?

I agree, I do not think that love conquers all.

I would guess that we are roughly at the same time range (mine was the end of April) and my WH is the same. He broke my heart, stomped all over it, and now wants the fairy tale marriage back.

Despite my negativity and complaints, things have gone better than I have expected. I am not happy, I do not feel special anymore......but my WH and I have developed a stronger marriage that involves us communicating much more effectively than we did in the past.

I think that with time, patience, transparency, and honesty....that love can come back. Personally, I think right now I am too busy trying to protect my heart.....


Me - 37, Him - 34
Married - 12 years
Three kiddos (oldest is mine) - 9, 11,13
DDay #1 - 4/21/2012, Discovered 3 mo. EA (texts, phone calls, nude pics, sexting, 1 kiss)
R - 4/24/12. R going well

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jun 2012
Irishar
♀ 35760
Member # 35760
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all your input..
It is nice to know I am not alone in this mental turmoil...Hugs to all


Be true to yourself

Posts: 63 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Saskatchewan
Topic Posts: 12

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