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Is there any WH or WW that have had or have low self esteem issues and instead of dealing with it in a good way thought of alcohol,drugs,suicide but in the end turned to a prostitute to hurt themselves.
This is what my husband did and it has been a year ...I still struggle to understand. I would love any input others have who have dealt with this type of situation.

My husband did use prostitutes. (He'd argue they were not. They were "dancers"--strippers---who had sex for money. In my book, that's a prostitute.)

He did not do it to hurt himself.

He did it to feel better. And he did it more than once.

Your husband likely did not do it to hurt himself, either. He likely did it to feel better. The outcome has hurt---but he did it to feel good, if only momentarily.

Self-esteem is part of the equation, but for my husband, a very superficial one. Is your husband in IC exploring things more deeply?

My WH used prostitutes for a variety of reasons. This is what I was told.

He went off Lexapro and it made him horny and since we weren't having sex for a while...Hey why didn't you come talk to me about it?

He didn't want to have a relationship with another women. Hey he saw 4 prositiutes 2 of them were a year each. Took them on vacations, out to eat, etc... He lovedddd one of them. Hey that sounds like a relationship to me.

He didn't want to break up the family, thought prostitutes didn't count. WTF?

Wanted to live out his fantasy's. Well he did that alright with all the house party's and 4somes.

I think he was selfish and his lifelong addition to porn got him into it. He did it because he could.

Irishar, it depends. My WS is a SA so he says the whole sleeping with hookers was due to self loathing and doing it was a way to humiliate himself and to prove he was truly the POS he has always thought he was.

SA is about low self esteem and they use sex like a drug,is he a SA? Is he in any type of therapy?

SAWS is in a SA recovery program and still says that is why he did it, like it was an extension of the porn and the "appeal" of paying nasty skanks for sex was his way of acting out and that it didn't seem real,he claims it made him sick while doing it, which I do not believe. I have read more about SA than I ever cared to, and I know they quite often do act out in ways that cause them shame and guilt due to hatred for their self, but sorry, he came with them and did it in different positions so damn, doesn't sound like it wasn't' about the sex part does it?

If you feel like talking, feel free to PM anytime.

[This message edited by Tiredofthepain at 8:15 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

Yes, my partner went to prostitutes.

He was a victim of SA as a child, and from very early on closed off feelings of real intimacy and developed very poor coping skills. He describes his feelings leading up to each act of infidelity as being in a pressure cooker.

When I found out (he pocket dialled me while he was with one), it was a huge shock, and the impetus for a lot of hard work on his part. He finally expressed the depth of his anxiety and depression, had some intensive counselling and we have worked very hard on getting through this as a respectful, loving partnership.

I could not have stayed if he had not demonstrated a very genuine need to use this to sort out his shit once and for all. To be with me he has to fix himself. In no way have I ever condoned what he did and have never excused this behaviour.

It is a hard road. I think what helped me decide what to do was to stand by him as his best friend first and foremost. His pain was so deep as he had never addressed his deep issues. I also had to find ways to keep my heart safe, so I leaned heavily on friends, and was true to myself.

It still hurts and it's still hard. But to watch this man evolve and come alive is a privilege and we are closer than ever.

I hope your H is able to face his demons. Lots of hugs to you.

Thank you for your input on this matter. I guess only time will tell.....
Wished I had a crystal ball

My husband also use a prostitute, he said he only was given a BJ twice. Still don't know if that was all and why he chose to hire someone instead of coming and talk to me about his feeling. Gee after 28 years you would think you know someone. This shocked the shit out of me!!!!

That is what hurts that he was too ashamed of his past life to come and talk too me about his self hatred. We are still going to councelling and hopefully I will understand it

Irishar, my H used OW to hurt himself, he just didn't pay any of them for it. H explained it much like a cutter would. A cutter cuts themselves to release the pain they feel because they don't know how to deal with it in a healthy way. Much in this same fashion, my H would have sex with random women to release the pain he was feeling, and to reinforce that pain, rather than deal with it in a healthy manner. He was also self sabotaging by sleeping with OW's too.

It doesn't make anything easier, but it definitely gave him direction in IC and MC. I hope you find what you need, and he does as well!