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How much do I really want to know?

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DefiledRage posted 5/24/2013 16:53 PM

Just got my WS to agree to make a detailed timeline about the A. I want honesty, and don't want to be working through it and have her trying to figure out what she's already told and what she hasn't. So along so lines I told her I wanted it all. Now that she's working on it, I'm getting a little jittery about actually reading it. Anyone regret the whole truth. So far the truth no matter how painful has been more liberating than the lies. I already know a very large part...supposedly. I want nothing less than a full truthful R.

Uneek posted 5/24/2013 18:23 PM

For me, I haven't regretted any of it and I want more details. I want to see the text messages and facebook conversations, dammit! Sadly, he deleted them all before I knew so I won't ever see them.

kansas1968 posted 5/24/2013 18:26 PM

Timelines are great, but I avoided sexual details, and details about their romance like the plague and I am glad I did. All the information that I have gotten regarding sexual or loving activity between them still makes me want to vomit and probably always will. It has increased the number of triggers and has not done me any good.

Everyone is different and has different opinions on this, but that is mine.

Knowing posted 5/24/2013 18:53 PM

All WSs minimize their As so don't worry too much about too much detail yet. You may not even get as much detail as you'd like yet!

betraydtwice posted 5/25/2013 01:44 AM

Most of the details I found on my own. He gave me basics and not much of that. The details I do know are too much. These are what stay in my head and go round and round.

H is sorry and remorseful and trying hard. I can get over it quite a bit but those

But some days I want to know more. I think about asking him and then I stop myself, not because of him but because of me. I know what I need to know..I guess. All I know is that those details kill me and I don't want anymore sh*t in my head I can't get rid of.

But of course that's just me. And that is tonight. Who knows about tomorrow??

mainlyinpain posted 5/25/2013 01:55 AM

For me I want to know as much as I can. First so that I can understand this relationship, protect myself from it. Then because I wonder about things I don't know and mind movie every possibility...I just want to know the one truth and not think about all the things that it COULD be. I also want to know my own life and what was going on behind my back...what days were actually my own and which were polluted by her. I would love if my WS made a timeline...he is still full of "I don't remember"s...

refuz2bavictim posted 5/25/2013 05:44 AM

So far the truth no matter how painful has been more liberating than the lies.

I would expect this sentiment to continue as it has held true so far.

OptimisticWife posted 5/25/2013 06:57 AM

I got some details early on but always insisted there must be more and demanded to know. I didn't feel like he was giving me enough of the details I was asking for. He insisted I knew all he could "remember".

Now, I honestly don't care for anymore details. What he did was wrong regardless of the finer details. I feel now that I don't need to know anymore about what he said and did. I know the worst of it. I know it hurt. I know he's sorry. I care more about what he's saying and doing now to help me, himself and our marriage. It feels good to let go of the need to know.

DefiledRage posted 5/25/2013 13:21 PM

Thank you for all replys here. Just happened to get some new disturbing omissions this morning. At this point I almost just want to get it all over with, get it all out there, then move on. Can't keep doing this every two weeks. Guess I'll just cross my fingers and hope its not more than I can handle. Thanks Again!

[This message edited by DefiledRage at 1:22 PM, May 25th (Saturday)]

hardlessons posted 5/25/2013 14:33 PM

drage, no words of wisdom, just bro-hug drage))). It took me years to ask what I wanted to and the jury is still out on whether I needed the details or not. This shit is hard, period. I think everyone needs and can accept various levels of knowledge. Good luck and wish you some peace.

Tiredofthepain posted 5/25/2013 14:36 PM

I would have given anything to have gotten the truth even the 100th time! You need to be hoping for the whole entire ugly truth at once because on top of the cheating and betrayal, the TT and minimizing will be a lot worse, it destroys everything.
I hope for your sake you are lucky enough to get it all.

Lethealbegin posted 5/25/2013 14:58 PM

For me I needed to know everything!! And I mean everything even sex acts. I did not want them to have any secrets. But I did it in steps. It helped with all the mind movies for me. Hope this helps you. Sorry you had to be here. Hugs

grapefruit posted 5/26/2013 04:32 AM

Are you in MC? Sometimes it can be good to get a professional to help you through the disclosure process - then they can help you decide how much detail you need to know.

DefiledRage posted 5/28/2013 20:03 PM

Don't know if I just becoming numb to it all or what but seems like every disclosure hurts a little less than the previous one. Found out the PA part if it started way before my WS previously admitted. Right around the time we got pregnant with our third. Hoping just by making her actually face this and do the timeline she might find a little more clarity as well. Maybe that's hoping to much.

Not in MC right now, we had been in the past. Not in a real hurry to go back though seeing as the first time the PA was still going (just found this out over the weekend as well) on and she was only using it to blast me as much as she could. When she didn't get the support from our MC I think she was expecting; she said she was feeling better about us and could stop going. Depending on how she reacts to the timeline think it might be time to consider going back.

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