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Divorce/Separation :
How to stop this???

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 Must Survive (original poster member #34533) posted at 12:18 AM on Saturday, May 25th, 2013

So as I sit here watching tv. Loud knocks and persistent door bell rings. I can tell just by the sound that it is STBXH. I don't answer. He continues to knock/ring doorbell. My son comes down and answers the door. DS has not seen his dad in a few weeks (DS choice), and apparently his dad doesn't like to be ignored. Obviously if DS wanted to talk or see his father he would call or answer his phone (DS has his own phone, I pay for it). I don't like that STBXH feels it is ok to come to the door and do this. He tell DS he has to start answering his phone. That he needs to be able to get in touch with him. I feel as though he should not have any right to come to door, if son doesn't want to talk to him, that is his choice.

How should I get this to stop. I start getting crazy scared because of when D-day happened and he kept trying to break door down.

Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorced-Let my new beginning start

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen

posts: 1066   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2012   ·   location: Must Survive
id 6348755
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Sad in AZ ( member #24239) posted at 12:28 AM on Saturday, May 25th, 2013

Why did your DS answer the door??

Look; he's a teen. He's going to have to learn to deal with difficult people, so don't try to intervene with him and his father. It sounds like he has him figured out already. As for fearing that he'll break down your door, just call the police. If it's your residence, and he's unwelcome, let them deal with him.

You are important and you matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. Your story matters. Your life matters. Always.

Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-63
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011

posts: 25351   ·   registered: Jun. 3rd, 2009   ·   location: Arizona
id 6348766
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Nature_Girl ( member #32554) posted at 12:38 AM on Saturday, May 25th, 2013

I'd call the police if he does this again. Also, I'd craft some kind of legal notice that he's not to behave this way again. Threaten him with a restraining order. Hell, just go get one anyway. This isn't the first time he's done this. Restrain his ass.

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

posts: 10722   ·   registered: Jun. 21st, 2011   ·   location: USA
id 6348782
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phmh ( member #34146) posted at 12:41 AM on Saturday, May 25th, 2013

Your son just taught your STBXWH that if he comes over and makes a big fuss, he'll get what he wants. Expect it to get worse before it gets better, as he'll think "it worked last time, it will work again. I just have to keep at it!"

Sad's advice is spot on, as usual.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4993   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 6348789
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 Must Survive (original poster member #34533) posted at 12:55 AM on Saturday, May 25th, 2013

Thanks you guys are great. I didn't think about it in terms of it worked, he will continue to do it. DS I think answered cause he was concerned what his dad could continue to do, and he has (anytime his dad shows up for no reason) that he will handle it.

I just hate it though. Tonight we are going to the movies and sushi. We will have great fun, but I just hate that STBXH is even in this day and my thoughts.

Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorced-Let my new beginning start

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen

posts: 1066   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2012   ·   location: Must Survive
id 6348803
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 Must Survive (original poster member #34533) posted at 12:56 AM on Saturday, May 25th, 2013

Oh, and I have exclusive use of the home, and he should be nowhere near it.

Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorced-Let my new beginning start

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen

posts: 1066   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2012   ·   location: Must Survive
id 6348804
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phmh ( member #34146) posted at 1:03 AM on Saturday, May 25th, 2013

I do a lot of volunteer work helping people keep "unmanageable" parrots in their homes through behavior modification. It's amazing how much of the stuff I learned in dealing with wild animals also works on WSs!

If this interests you at all, "Don't Shoot the Dog" is a great, easy to read book about behavior modification. Mostly centered on animals, but it works on people, too!

You may be interested in "extinction burst" which is when things get worse before they get better.

http://bcotb.com/reducing-behavior-through-non-aversive-techniques-extinction-and-the-extinction-burst/

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4993   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 6348813
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Sad in AZ ( member #24239) posted at 1:39 AM on Saturday, May 25th, 2013

Aw,phmh; your comparing the stbx to parrots besmirches the parrots.

You are important and you matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. Your story matters. Your life matters. Always.

Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-63
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011

posts: 25351   ·   registered: Jun. 3rd, 2009   ·   location: Arizona
id 6348842
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phmh ( member #34146) posted at 1:50 AM on Saturday, May 25th, 2013

Sad, I have known some parrots (usually severe or scarlet macaws) that are as frustrating as some WSs And, I have a certain little caique right now who might be fitting that category...

But it is really interesting how behavior modification techniques work across species -- including ourselves :) The only way I have ever been able to permanently change my behavior is using techniques I perfected with the birds!

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4993   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 6348848
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