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Am I being too nice to my WH?

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hobbeskat posted 5/24/2013 19:02 PM

My WH feels shit about what he's done and I comfort him. We talk about why and I explain to him I understand how hard it is to ask for help when you're depressed and that I also understand that, to an extent, he blamed me for his depression. I do understand this and I want him to talk about it. At the same time, I say it's not an excuse for what he's done and he needs to confront that. He understands this, too. He has FOO issues (EVERYONE in his family has had affairs) and is beginning to understand how these things affect him.

He's being very loving and he's also comforting me. Tonight I felt crap saying I hated the fact people knew he cheated on me and I hated that people felt sorry for me. He reiterated how sorry he was and how much he regretted everything and said I was doing brilliantly and am strong and should be proud of myself. So this isn't a one way thing. I asked him tonight if I was still, "the one" as I don't feel like I am, he says very much so. I said he is too with a kiss. Which is true- he is still the one, but I am very guarded. I am trying to be less so, I need to give more in R.

Am I being too nice? I have raged at him, screamed at him, thrown stuff at him, hated him, etc. But I have never really insulted him, not really. Although I hate what he's done, I have understood why he has done it and I understand how much he let himself, as well as me, down. I feel like there is already a huge wound in our marriage and every insult will be something I can't take back, another cut.

I know I should put my healing before his, and I am. For me to heal, though, I need him to feel comfortable sharing his feelings, and to make it safe for him to do so. Him not sharing feelings is partly what got us into this.

But, er, yeah, am I being *too* nice? Do you ever feel like you're being too sweet? I sometimes feel like if I'm too nice then it's like saying it's okay. And I don't want to be a doormat. I have made it extremely clear that this marriage may still end, and if he ever cheats or even lies to me again, I will divorce him. And he is terrified that I will.

[This message edited by hobbeskat at 7:27 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

HardenMyHeart posted 5/24/2013 19:25 PM

Sounds to me like you are doing the right thing. This level of communication, combined with compassion for the other person, will help build true emotional intimacy in the marriage.

For some marriages, R can be the spark to break out of the old destructive patterns. You can forge new bonds in the relationship that are stronger and will make you both closer than ever.

I really don't think it matters who heals first. The important thing is that you are supporting each other and both healing together.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 7:26 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

Hopefulguy posted 5/24/2013 19:31 PM

I wonder that too. I haven't really even screamed at her. I've cried, I've said if she ever does it again its over that instant. I've told her how she's betrayed me, damaged me, destroyed our trust.

But then we cuddle up and watch a show or have fun, she smiles at me and I'm half filled with good feelings that she loves me and half wondering how can she even smile right now.

I guess on thing to think about is there is no litmus test, if its working for you it's working just be honest with yourself, don't rugs weep your feelings by any means but if its going smoothly maybe it's just going smoothly and you are one of the lucky ones... Well as lucky as one of us could be.

20WrongsVs1 posted 5/24/2013 19:51 PM

WS here so I will step lightly. My BH has been incredibly kind and understanding. But it took him threatening to leave me, to shock me into actually giving him the whole truth and commit to NC.

So, continue to be guarded. Is he truly sharing his feelings? Are you certain he's told you the whole truth? I've read some of your posts, and (like my BH) you seem very selfless and compassionate.

Trust. But verify.

LA44 posted 5/24/2013 20:00 PM

It's okay to show compassion for someone you committed to spending the rest of your life with in spite of the hurt he has brought to you. I did the same after I went through the other emotions. As Karmahappens wrote on a whole other post (and in her opinion), you don't just throw out someone in your family who is broken. You "get" him and his faults and since it seems like you have expressed sadness, rage, etc. and that he is also expressing remorseful behavior, then it sounds like you are on the right path.

Hardenmyheart - so true!

hobbeskat posted 5/24/2013 20:04 PM

I am sure (as I can be) he is telling me the whole truth. I've asked the same questions over and over again. The OW has verified and they had no time to get a story together (he texted her telling her he was going to tell me- her response was, "No, no, no, not me, please not me"- she was getting wracked by guilt at that point. I saw those texts).

Initially I was in shock and crawling and he was ambivalent to me. He basically viewed the whole thing as a mild inconvenience and continuied his assholish (as he had been acting like a total cold, hard asshole to me) behaviour. I then went away for a night to my friends and talked and realised- no way. I threatened to leave him and told him this is possibly a deal breaker. They had still been talking, trying to be friends again and I told him: NC.

He has been completely NC- she contacted him shortly after. They had both thought the consequences would be, "minor" because my initial reaction was complete shock, instant (utterly superficial) forgiveness to both. Then it started to sink in. He immediately told me she messaged and, as he was at work, took screencaps of everything she'd sent. I do believe him. He is also indifferent to her now but knows I hate her. (Truthfully, I missed her, too. She was a part of my life, btu as time has gone on, it has turned to utter hatred).

She was in some of his videos (he is a performance artist) and I completely went mental seeing them again (he linked them on Twitter). He wasn't thinking, I told him how shit I felt and he deleted them all. He should have known though.

He in fact told me more than I wanted to know- not out of spite but what he says was the, "euphoria of confession", he thinks he even overstated a bit but he was definitely in a mild fog for the first week because they were close friends. One night he laid in bed self pitying that he had lost his friends (her and her ex, who she cheated on him with, who was one of his best friends) and, although I felt compassion for him as he doesn't have many close friends, I basically told him to suck it up and deal with it. I have said that many times, that he needs to stop wallowing and put me first. He would, initially, completely clam up and just say he hated himself, go to bed, not talk. Now he is more open. Not perfect and he is not a person who naturally shares his feelings freely. I know he is often extremely sad about the whole thing but doesn't mention it first- I wish he would, and I want to make it a safe space for him to do so.

I also have access to everything. I am positive he has no private emails. He is also crap technologically speaking. If his phone beeps he immediately tells me who it's from. I can read all his emails, texts, Whatsapp, Facebook, etc. He leaves it open on the computer.

I am fairly sure he is not hiding anything. He is utterly remorseful and filled with guilt. He says this is the biggest regret of his life and I believe him. He knows the pain I'm in and his angry reactions occasionally are anger at himself, feeling hopeless and feeling like he has destroyed everything- he'll sometimes walk away to calm down but come back and apologise. If I apologise for upsetting him (which I sometimes do- I shouldn't, but sometimes I can be tactless in the way I word things) he tells me I have nothing to be sorry for and that he has done this, not me.

He has a very black and white view of things and he is realising that. When the A was going on, he thought, "Well, things are so shit between us, it's destroyed, go nuclear" and was also very harsh to me. We were separated for a week and I kept asking him, "What is wrong, why do you think it's fucked?" He just kept repeating that it was because he couldn't tell me. But I will remember that for the rest of my life, my crying and the next day him sending messages about me to the OW, and leaving that morning telling me he had cheated (didn't tell me who with) and didn't feel guilty, and me running after him in the street. I will be scarred for life by those memories. As he will, so he says. He says he cannot believe he acted like that. So, in a way, he is owning his feelings, and in a way, he's not. But if I push him too much, he closes, so I need to be fairly gentle. That's the way he is, he can't cope with confrontation, and I think he needs counselling for that. I think we both do, and I'm now making inquiries and he's agreed.

He's also agreed to talk to my family. Just a message saying he is sorry and reassuring them he is working on this because I sometimes wonder if they think I'm stupid and just clinging to him. I also want him to still have a relationship with them as it's an elephant in the room right now, and my brother is coming to stay next month. His whole family know, too.

I really hope I am right in all this. I think I am. My gut instinct tells me he isn't hiding anything.

I'm not being utterly selfless. I still feel guarded, I still trigger and talk and I still feel a bit disconnected and paranoid during sex, too. Which is rubbish because I like it!

[This message edited by hobbeskat at 9:39 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

hobbeskat posted 5/24/2013 21:17 PM

Man, do I sound like I'm in denial or are things are good as they are, he's being brilliant and I want them to be worse to justify how bad I feel?

[This message edited by hobbeskat at 10:15 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

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