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Catwoman posted 5/24/2013 19:08 PM

As you all know as nauseum, I have had endless issues with my ex and his failure to pay alimony, kid expenses and now, lately, child support. He currently owes about 2900 that I know of, plus any alimony outstanding. Since he hasn't complied with the dictates of the decree as far as showing me his pay stubs, I do not know if there s any alimony owed.

After numerous emails sent and unanswered, including more than one offering to have him pay what is due over time, I filed a complaint for contempt this week.

The process server said he would serve him next week. He was actually served on Thursday while my youngest was with him. She opened the summons and is angry with me.

She called me selfish and greedy, said I wasn't a good mom in the aftermath of the affair, said I always bad mouthed her dad and that she was going to move out if I didn't drop the suit. She also called her older sister and told her.

I am gutted. Their father has stolen from them (used their college accounts for himself) and from me (defrauded me of alimony for 1.5 years by altering his pay stubs) and it is *my* fault and I am greedy and selfish because I want him to pay for his share of things like dental surgery and healthcare?

She left and said she doesn't know if she will come back. Part of me wants to change the locks.

She has no idea what her dad put me through. In her eyes, he can do no wrong and I am a shitty parent,

I am totally distraught over all of this.

Cat

phmh posted 5/24/2013 19:13 PM

(((Cat)))

From everything you've ever written, you are a class act and a wonderful parent.

I know I didn't appreciate my mom until I was mid-20s. She'll get it, someday. I'm sorry you're going through this.

k94ever posted 5/24/2013 19:14 PM

Change the locks. They are both adults and need to start acting like it.

Cat....why do you always take this crap from your girls? They treat you like a lower life form.

Let them go. They'll be back when they hit their 30's and realize you were doing the right thing.

{{{hugs}}}

PS. My kids haven't talked to me in over two years and I'm still alive and kicking. It's OK.

K9

Cookie7088 posted 5/24/2013 19:19 PM

Cat-

You are a great lady! Don't be bullied by him or your daughters. It is very apparent that he has "control" over his daughters --and someday they will grow up or suffer the consequences.

I would use the love and logic, tell her that she is a big girl and now an adult. Have a "sit down" about "choices", and let her know her behavior is not acceptable, and that you won't be bullied into dropping the suit, and if she chooses to leave...well,that's an adult decision. Don't change the locks, just ask her for her keys to YOUR home.

tesla posted 5/24/2013 19:29 PM

I'm so sorry, Cat.
I really value your posts and think you have such wisdom to offer. I hope your girls will someday come around.

Compartmented posted 5/24/2013 19:33 PM

Cat,
These are the kinds of things I struggle with, too, so I look forward to others’ responses. My first reaction is to wonder if your ex said anything to her to cause her to have this attitude. How did she relay her feelings to you? I am in counseling to try and do the best I can with the negative image my X paints of me with my children. I’m like you in that my children have no idea what thievery, etc., their father has wreaked on me. I know the children don’t belong in the middle of this, but it’s dreadfully unfair when their father puts them in the middle, behind my back. The only way to correct the misinformation they’ve heard is to put them in the middle. I struggle. I want to so much to tell them the truth, but I wait until they bring things up to me before I say a word. Recently my daughter asked me whether it wouldn’t be better to just “sell some things” rather than pay attorneys to try and get money from her dad. I told her I thought if I didn’t stand up to him, it wouldn’t stop. She doesn’t know about all the bullying he’s been doing, and she didn’t ask, so I didn’t tell her anything more. If your daughter says the “greedy” comment to you again, maybe you should calmly tell her it’s not about greed, it’s the law, or what the two of you legally agreed to?

Part of what my therapist tells me is that the children know the truth, on a gut level, and they don’t want to think badly of their dad, so there are some defense mechanisms in play. I feel bad for them to have to know they are related to X. I feel embarrassed to have been duped by him myself, but at least I know I’m not biologically related to him.

I guess I don’t have much advice. Just this: Continue to have faith that the truth will come out, that you will get your children back in time, that they know who you are and who he is….Continue to show them grace and strength. And love.

THIS ALL SUCKS BALLS!!!!!!!

So sorry.

Also, I have read a lot of your posts, and I know you are a smart cookie….so your children are, too, and they will figure it all out. It may take a long time, but they will.

Williesmom posted 5/24/2013 19:41 PM

((Cat))

Manipulation at its finest. Stand your ground, but talk to you kids about choices and consequences.

I'm sorry.

ExposedNiblet posted 5/24/2013 19:57 PM

Cat -

Over the years, I have enjoyed reading the sage wisdom you've given others, usually tinged with that wonderful humour that is so uniquely yours. I've often said to myself that you are One Class Act, and that you seem to have the world by its balls. In a good way, of course.

Now, all accolades aside, I believe you have been a wonderful parent and that you've gone above and beyond for your kids - as have most of us.

I want to tell you: you don't have to tolerate this behaviour from your daughter.

Count me in with the previous poster who suggested that you ask for the keys back to your house. CatKid#2 is a grown up and should face grown-up consequences.

She will be back someday, begging for your forgiveness.

((((Cat))))

(I'm sorry, but I don't have the necessary wit...please insert your favorite joke here, okay? Thanks.)

Nibs

gma56 posted 5/24/2013 20:08 PM

So sorry you are getting more XH fallout through DD2.

I know I had to step away from DD for several years because of her attitude towards me. It hurts !

If it were you being summons because of comtempt of court for failure to pay XH, doubt if she would be angry at him because she's under the NPD spell. I'm sure one day she is going to be the victim of her father's NPD, it's a matter of time. No one is excluded.

Hugs
Gma

Exit Wounds posted 5/24/2013 20:23 PM

Cat,
don't let a twenty something year old little girl define you!
Don't you dare!!!
You are one classy lady, a hell of a great cook, and most importantly an A+ example of a mom!
You gave your kids structure and a home while your ex was busy fucking trash!
Don't allow her to define you! Think of what advice you would give me or anyone else here on the boards...now use it for yourself!

Hang in there cat! This too shall pass.

As far as changing the keys...hmmm...I would not do that...yet!
Give her a chance to redeem herself first.

Good luck and I hope you take your own advice. You are a great mother and don't ever forget that!

Kajem posted 5/24/2013 20:42 PM

Cat,

My kids therapist told me to fight the lies he told them.. when needed. Pick my battles but have physical proof when I did expose the truth. It isn't a bad thing to out the truth on the manipulator. It let's the kids know that they are being used by the manipulator for their own sick agenda. Kids sense something is wrong with what is going on.. but cannot put their finger on it.

If and when she wants to talk.. and not yell and deny and get mad... I would show her the evidence of him not paying, you asking for his paystubs and him not responding. Let her make up her own mind...she may still side with him... but the truth will be out there and she will always suspect that she is being used as a weapon by him to hurt you.

She is old enough to know the truth'

... it isn't like she is 8 years old and daddy's little girl. She is a grown woman who wants to be daddy's princess... except he isn't king... no matter what he says or how many times he crowns himself.

Hugs,
K

tryingagain74 posted 5/24/2013 21:39 PM

(((Cat)))

You're a great mom. I know this because I've learned and benefited a great deal from your posts, especially in the days when I actually considered having a love life while raising three young children who desperately need me to be there for them, not off chasing some rebound BF-- posts like yours kept me from making foolish and rash decisions and have made me a better mother.

I'm sorry that you're still dealing with your XH's crap and that your girls are, I assume, so desperate to have a relationship with him that they'll believe his lies. As painful as it may be, perhaps they need to see what life is like without their rock to support them. They're likely assuming that, no matter what happens, you'll be waiting there with open arms. If they think you're such an awful person and that their daddy is so terribly maligned, then maybe they need to see what life is like with only Daddy's support. It would probably be a necessary eye opener for them and a lesson that they need so that they treat you with the respect that you deserve.

Chrysalis123 posted 5/24/2013 22:03 PM

She called me selfish and greedy, said I wasn't a good mom in the aftermath of the affair, said I always bad mouthed her dad and that she was going to move out if I didn't drop the suit. She also called her older sister and told her.
I am gutted.....and it is *my* fault and I am greedy and selfish because I want him to pay for his share of things like dental surgery and healthcare?

I am so sorry Cat. We are living parallel lives at the moment. My 18 year old is pretty much doing the same thing, and said what i quoted.

I like how someone said under the NPD spell, manipulated, and if she thinks you are such a bad mom it is better for her to be under dad's support.

But, it doesn't make it any easier to take. I know I have done my best for my daughter. But somehow, in her mind I have become the evil doer. She can't seem to wrap her mind around the truth.

(((Cat))) It sucks. I am trying to figure out how to get the sick, feeling out of my heart. I fear i will never have my daughter back again.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 10:03 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

hexed posted 5/24/2013 22:52 PM

((Cat))

I am so sorry. You don't deserve to be treated like this.

veritas posted 5/25/2013 00:34 AM

A few weeks ago, I told my son that he needed to mow the lawn. My 7-year-old said, "Yeah, you'd better do it or else she'll kick you out like she did our daddy."

Son:"That's not exactly what happened."

Daughter: "Yes it is. My daddy told me the truth!"

I find it to be a huge coincidence that your daughter decided to open a summons all on her own. I would call her bluff and let her move out. She will find out quickly enough what living with Dad is versus living with Mom.

(((Catwoman)))

dmari posted 5/25/2013 00:49 AM

(((((Catwoman))))) I hope you have read and reread everyone's comments to your post. I agree with what everyone is saying.

I cannot imagine what you must be feeling. All I can say is that I am so sorry you are not being treated with respect and fairness.

It may be time to have them deal with the natural consequences to their behavior.

You deserve peace.

silverhopes posted 5/25/2013 02:14 AM

(((Catwoman)))

gardenparty posted 5/25/2013 07:11 AM

I feel your pain. My EX lied and fought for 4 years in court to pay even the minimum amount of child support, I turned down alimony. To hear him speak I am a money grabbing bitch...whatever. It kills me though to hear either of my girls defend him or spout something at me that I know they heard from them. I have been so tempted at times to give them copies of the court transcripts and the e-mails between he and I (and yes I have hard copies of every communication between us for the last 7 years) however I won't. I am hoping that my girls find their way to the truth, that the sacrifices and hardships that I dealt with because of their fathers actions are remembered with a little more kindness than they are currently showing me. If not I think I will be fine because I know what happened but I will not sink to his level and bash him to them.

wanttogoforward posted 5/25/2013 07:28 AM

Cat,
Your daughter needs to be told simply and matter of factly that she is to stay out of the relationship with your X... if she refuses then lay it on the line and let her know that you have sacrificed for years to raise her without enough financial support, as required by law.... it is the responsibility of BOTH parents to pay, not just one... and end your conversation with an "I love you, but maybe you won't understand until you become a parent someday".

PurpleRose posted 5/25/2013 09:03 AM

I also find it strange that she- at the age of 19- opened mail addressed to her father. ???

My kids would never think to do that.

She is plenty old enough to be "hit with the truth" Cat. Stop trying to shield her image of her father. Give her the facts and if she still chooses to believe him then you may need to ask her to leave.

I'm sure she can live with Daddy Warbucks, right? Lets see how that works for her.