hi Thingsfellapart,
so so sorry for your new discovery. I am in a similar situation and I too wonder if a cheater can change. I think they can, but I also liken cheating, as many do, to an addiction. So can the alcoholic stop drinking? Can the drug addict stop using? Can the cheater stop cheating?
All these addictive behaviors come from a place of woundedness within the WS. If they are able to work very, very, very hard to heal this wounded place with therapy and introspection, then yes, of course they can change. Likelihood of change? Not sure what the stats are but I'm pretty sure it's a huge gamble.
I too don't know if my WS is capable of a third chance. I have a feeling he is NOT deserving. But I'm a huge softie and I'm sooooo understanding (yes I'm ACOA). His betrayals also involve financial betrayal (spending joint monies in very irresponsible ways without consulting/asking me), and I am starting to think his betrayal is actually more that him trying in his own way to fill up the hole(s) in his soul, but that he might have a characterological (sp) issue in terms of just being a bit of a snake, a bit of a criminally minded, lying, how can i get away with this, type of person.
No matter, it's very complicated and it is a great risk. We just started MC Thursday and despite it only being a 1 hour first session, it was illuminating. The MC seems really great and I've been in and out of therapy all my adult life (my mother was a guidance counselor so when i had life challenges of any major sort, I would sort of just naturally seek therapy.) This MC is older and obviously very, very experienced, wise and likely gifted. And I was wondering what her initial thoughts were; that he's a snake and i'm codependent and need to get away because i'm toooooo loyal, toooooo forgiving, etc, or that he's wounded and needs to heal his wounds so that we can reconnect and move forward together.
Personally I don't think my WS is capable of change because I don't think he think he did anything wrong, except get caught. But I'm still here and in MC because I want to learn, i want to grow and I want something positive to come out of this, if only to see and heal in some way (?) my own codependency so that i have a better change of not finding another addict in my next relationship (after I face great loneliness, yes i too fear that).
No matter whether you decide to try to work things out with him or not, you yourself should definitely find a counselor who will help you fix your own wounds. Why are you with this man? We often find other people with similar wounding to ours, and then when things go wrong, we often dump them, only to find a similarly wounded person who hurts us and the cycle continues. Focus on fixing and caring for you, and he should focus on fixing him.
You don't need to have the answer today. I am full of anxiety day to day because I am tormented by diametrically opposed emotions and thoughts about how I should proceed. I am trying, trying, trying to live in the moment: i am okay. I am safe. I have food. I have money to live. I have shelter. I am okay. I am safe. All this to try to keep my anxiety in check and to control my thoughts which are a bit tortuous in their confusion.
I think my WS is like you think of your WS; wants me, wants the wife secure and safe at home, and the thrills. Period.
Remember, you don't have to make a decision right away. You have a great job, lots of friends, a full life. You are and will be okay. And you can decide in the near future if you want to take a gamble with this man, if he's worth it. I'm sure he loves you, and how exactly does he define love? and is his type of love enough for you?
All my very best wishes.
[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 10:22 PM, May 24th (Friday)]