((((sadandlostsandy))) I am so sorry for your pain. I understand that pain, and wish you never joined our ranks. But I'm glad you found SI. There's lots of love and help here.
You were very wise to work to establish boundaries with your WS. And he was very unwise to ignore you. The book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass might be a good one for him to read, when he defogs (or perhaps to help him defog, if he's looking for solutions rather than excuses at this point); it describes the healthy walls that couples erect around their relationships.
ALL relationships go through phases. Life can be mundane. But that doesn't make the "ooh! shiny!" girl who's new and different, "the girl of his dreams."
That's just...profoundly immature. Unless, of course, he wasn't ever really invested in your relationship. I bring that (really sad and unpleasant) possibility up reluctantly, but because it's what I discovered about my relationship--obscenely late in the game (we were married 24 years, and had been together over 33 when I was told that he married me because I loved him---not because he loved me).
Examine what makes your relationship and this man truly special---and really think hard (during this time when he's "thinking") about whether it's a relationship worthy of the hard, hard work required for reconciliation.
Right now, he's not interested in reconciliation.
he said that he can not leave me nor can he leave OP.He says that she is the girl of his dreams.
His words indicate he wants to do what we refer to, here, quite often, as "cake-eating." In other words, he wants to have his cake and eat it, too.
He wants his nice, loving, reliable SO (YOU!), and his ooh! shiny! new sidepiece.
Uh, no. It doesn't work that way. He may SAY he can't give you up and won't give her up, but he doesn't get to make that decision for you. You are the one who makes that decision.
That he's added that the OW is the "girl of his dreams" may just be idiotic affair drivel, or it may be true. It doesn't really matter. What matters is that he feels entitled to explore other relationships while in a relationship with you. Because, really, there are a bazillion people in this world, many of whom would be fabulously wonderful partners for any of us. When we commit to a relationship, there is the implicit (and explicit, if vows are exchanged) agreement NOT to explore the possibility of happiness with others, but rather to commit to the one person we're with, living life with its ups and downs and working to love, even when it is difficult. Because love is a choice.
What YOU need to do, right now, is erect some boundaries for yourself. Clearly, he is lacking boundaries, but you do not have to.
This is not acceptable to you, correct? Then there is NO reason why you have to accept it. Being in close proximity at work and requiring boundaries to keep other women---other women right under your nose in the workplace! (could he have been more insensitive and cruel?)--does not make you clingy. It makes you sensible and devoted and committed to your relationship.
Please don't let him turn HIS failures into yours. He did NOT cheat because you are "clingy." He cheated because ...he wanted to. Really, it's as simple as that. He may have deeper issues, a "why" that informed his ability to give himself permission to cheat. (And yes---that is something I would require him to explore in IC; for me that was a non-negotiable for attempting to R.) But really, when push comes to shove, he cheated because he wanted to. And it has NOTHING to do with your shortcomings.
Could it be that you're not meant to be together? Yes. So, during this time you've "given him time to think," it'd be a good idea to do thinking of your own.
What is it, about this man, that makes him worth the pain and hard work of reconciliation after such an in-your-face, eff-you betrayal? It takes 2-5 years to reconcile from infidelity---does he have it in him to put in the hard work? Is he fabulous enough--really, the man of YOUR dreams--to make he hard work worthwhile? Will he work hard to erect appropriate boundaries so this never happens again, or will he continue to shift blame to you?
Infidelity aside, what is special about him? Is he a man with whom you truly wish to spend the rest of your life?
If not, then I would not invest any more time on the relationship. I'd work hard to heal, independently, and move on.
(A word about healing: really, your healing will be independent whether you're with him or not; both the WS and BS must work to heal independently, while working to heal as a couple----so you have to assess whether he is willing and able to address both aspects of healing; reconciliation will not work unless both of you are all in).
Whether you intend to reconcile or not, he intends to eat cake. So your immediate need is to CLOSE THE BAKERY.
He doesn't get to have both you and his OW. Simple as that. That is a boundary you MUST erect. "Let" him think. (That's in quotation marks because, really, you have no control over what he does. You can only control your own thoughts, actions, and feelings.) While he does so, familiarize yourself with the 180 (it's #11 in the FAQs for BSs in the Healing Library; click on the yellow box to the left), and put it into action.
Until and unless he is willing to commit to YOUR relationship, 100 percent, then there is absolutely no sense in expending your precious energy on anything other than your own healing and well-being.
Take gentle care of yourself. Remember to eat--and if it's difficult, frequent small meals can help. (I used protein shakes a lot.) Drink plenty of fluids (but skip alcohol--it doesn't help). Rest as much as you are able, and if you have difficulty, explore sleep aids with your doctor. (Often, something mild like over-the-counter diphenhydramine--generic for Benadryl--or melatonin works well. Other times, Rx sleep aids are more helpful; either way, talk with your doctor.) Regular exercise can help tremendously, especially when the anger phase arrives. (And it will come and go, the anger.)
Always, always remember: YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE. This has NOTHING to do with your shortcomings, but rather your WS's. You DO have the power to heal yourself---but you can't reconcile on your own. Until it becomes clear whether he can or will commit to R, pull yourself back---for your OWN strength and well-being, use the 180. It will not push your WS away; he's already gone. It WILL help you gain clarity and strength. And it may--as a side effect (though this is not its aim)---let your WS see what he is losing, by continuing down the path of infidelity.
Keep your eyes peeled, in this forum, for the posts with bulls-eyes in front of them. They are classics that contain a lot of really great advice and information for those who are newly betrayed (or newly learning of the betrayal).
Here are the ones I find most useful:
Before You Say Reconcile (so important!) http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548
Understanding the 180: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785
Tactical Primer: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051
Boundaries and Consequences 101: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631
ETA: Sorry for the novel-length post. I know it's a lot to digest. Just take in what you can....and feel free to PM any time.
[This message edited by solus sto at 11:51 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]
