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i dont know what to do, please help

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sadandlostsandy posted 5/24/2013 22:12 PM

i have been in a live in relationship for the past four years. we also work in the same office which gives us very little time apart. MY WS has always complained that iam clingy and do not give him enough space and i do agree with this.two months back he began to be very friendly with a junior in office.i told him that he should have a boundary for each relationship but did not listen to me. with time they only became very close and he would only spend time with her. he would go out with her and chat with her all the time when not together.I could see him become very distant and i was very sad and felt hopeless. he even stopped talking with me. three days back we met and talked. he said that he loves me very much but also loves the OP. he said that he is confused and does not know what to do. he said that he can not leave me nor can he leave OP.He says that she is the girl of his dreams. i have given him some time to think over. please help

hobbeskat posted 5/24/2013 22:15 PM

I'm a rush so I can't reply fully, but wanted to know you're heard. Your head must be all over the place right now, and I'm sorry this is happening to you. But my first thing is; why are you giving him a choice? He's in the fog. Do not let him, "decide" you or the AP. Someone will come with the 180 I'm sure.

Hugs xxx

LifeIsBroken posted 5/24/2013 22:20 PM

Unless you're up for a 3-way, tell him to hit the road. Better he be forced to make up his mind now rather than drag it out. He'll either figure out who he 'loves' the most - or not. Either way, you win. Do NOT allow him to waver. Tell him to move out now and consider yourself lucky to have found his true nature now rather than 20 or more years down the road. Sorry you are in this position but you have the ability to change it immediately. Knowing what I know now, based on experience, save yourself while you can.

Hearthache again posted 5/25/2013 01:28 AM

What you need to do is focus on yourself no matter what happens. You were the one who was wronged here, he has no right to demand anything, including time to decide.

I would also second the 180. I never did this but have read very positive reports about it.

Nature_Girl posted 5/25/2013 01:32 AM

Are you married? If so, then he's all done thinking things over. When he said his vows that was also him saying that there would be no more thinking things over & not knowing what to do. He's your husband? Then there's no confusion here. He's married, you're his wife, there is no other person in your marriage.

You do not have to sit around hoping he'll pick you again. Stop giving him that kind of power over you. You tell him how it's going to be. Tell him to snap out of it and start acting married now. OR, kick his weasley ass to the curb. Hefty bag his shit & toss it out the door.

Do not sit around in tears waiting & wondering.

AppleBlossom posted 5/25/2013 02:30 AM

I am so sorry. It must be dreadful working in that situation.

Anyone telling their partner that someone else is " the girl of his dreams" is beyond cruel. I am not sure you have any option other than to boot him out. You deserve much better.

Pippy posted 5/25/2013 10:56 AM

I know this sounds like a line from high school, but the more you chase him, the more he will run away.

Please read the 180 in the Healing Library under BS FAQs #11.

mysticpenguin posted 5/25/2013 17:08 PM

Even if you are not married, Nature Girl's advice applies. He's in a relationship with you. You two mutually decided to take yourselves and each other off the proverbial market; you had an understood agreement to be monogamous and faithful. He broke it.

Don't let him have his cake and eat it too; he'll just continue to want the best of both worlds. Put up an ad for a roommate if you need one (try Craigslist,, and your local papers), pack up all his stuff for him and let him try to make it work with the new girl. Reality (of living together, splitting bills, etc) will ruin their romance, don't you worry :) They're living in fantasyland right now, where there's no laundry, no bills, no dishes, etc. Don't let them.


CallMeRed1 posted 5/26/2013 05:01 AM

Totally agree with the others, get on to the 180 immediately.

solus sto posted 5/26/2013 12:17 PM

((((sadandlostsandy))) I am so sorry for your pain. I understand that pain, and wish you never joined our ranks. But I'm glad you found SI. There's lots of love and help here.

You were very wise to work to establish boundaries with your WS. And he was very unwise to ignore you. The book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass might be a good one for him to read, when he defogs (or perhaps to help him defog, if he's looking for solutions rather than excuses at this point); it describes the healthy walls that couples erect around their relationships.

ALL relationships go through phases. Life can be mundane. But that doesn't make the "ooh! shiny!" girl who's new and different, "the girl of his dreams."

That's just...profoundly immature. Unless, of course, he wasn't ever really invested in your relationship. I bring that (really sad and unpleasant) possibility up reluctantly, but because it's what I discovered about my relationship--obscenely late in the game (we were married 24 years, and had been together over 33 when I was told that he married me because I loved him---not because he loved me).

Examine what makes your relationship and this man truly special---and really think hard (during this time when he's "thinking") about whether it's a relationship worthy of the hard, hard work required for reconciliation.

Right now, he's not interested in reconciliation.

he said that he can not leave me nor can he leave OP.He says that she is the girl of his dreams.

His words indicate he wants to do what we refer to, here, quite often, as "cake-eating." In other words, he wants to have his cake and eat it, too.

He wants his nice, loving, reliable SO (YOU!), and his ooh! shiny! new sidepiece.

Uh, no. It doesn't work that way. He may SAY he can't give you up and won't give her up, but he doesn't get to make that decision for you. You are the one who makes that decision.

That he's added that the OW is the "girl of his dreams" may just be idiotic affair drivel, or it may be true. It doesn't really matter. What matters is that he feels entitled to explore other relationships while in a relationship with you. Because, really, there are a bazillion people in this world, many of whom would be fabulously wonderful partners for any of us. When we commit to a relationship, there is the implicit (and explicit, if vows are exchanged) agreement NOT to explore the possibility of happiness with others, but rather to commit to the one person we're with, living life with its ups and downs and working to love, even when it is difficult. Because love is a choice.

What YOU need to do, right now, is erect some boundaries for yourself. Clearly, he is lacking boundaries, but you do not have to.

This is not acceptable to you, correct? Then there is NO reason why you have to accept it. Being in close proximity at work and requiring boundaries to keep other women---other women right under your nose in the workplace! (could he have been more insensitive and cruel?)--does not make you clingy. It makes you sensible and devoted and committed to your relationship.

Please don't let him turn HIS failures into yours. He did NOT cheat because you are "clingy." He cheated because ...he wanted to. Really, it's as simple as that. He may have deeper issues, a "why" that informed his ability to give himself permission to cheat. (And yes---that is something I would require him to explore in IC; for me that was a non-negotiable for attempting to R.) But really, when push comes to shove, he cheated because he wanted to. And it has NOTHING to do with your shortcomings.

Could it be that you're not meant to be together? Yes. So, during this time you've "given him time to think," it'd be a good idea to do thinking of your own.

What is it, about this man, that makes him worth the pain and hard work of reconciliation after such an in-your-face, eff-you betrayal? It takes 2-5 years to reconcile from infidelity---does he have it in him to put in the hard work? Is he fabulous enough--really, the man of YOUR dreams--to make he hard work worthwhile? Will he work hard to erect appropriate boundaries so this never happens again, or will he continue to shift blame to you?

Infidelity aside, what is special about him? Is he a man with whom you truly wish to spend the rest of your life?

If not, then I would not invest any more time on the relationship. I'd work hard to heal, independently, and move on.

(A word about healing: really, your healing will be independent whether you're with him or not; both the WS and BS must work to heal independently, while working to heal as a couple----so you have to assess whether he is willing and able to address both aspects of healing; reconciliation will not work unless both of you are all in).

Whether you intend to reconcile or not, he intends to eat cake. So your immediate need is to CLOSE THE BAKERY.

He doesn't get to have both you and his OW. Simple as that. That is a boundary you MUST erect. "Let" him think. (That's in quotation marks because, really, you have no control over what he does. You can only control your own thoughts, actions, and feelings.) While he does so, familiarize yourself with the 180 (it's #11 in the FAQs for BSs in the Healing Library; click on the yellow box to the left), and put it into action.

Until and unless he is willing to commit to YOUR relationship, 100 percent, then there is absolutely no sense in expending your precious energy on anything other than your own healing and well-being.

Take gentle care of yourself. Remember to eat--and if it's difficult, frequent small meals can help. (I used protein shakes a lot.) Drink plenty of fluids (but skip alcohol--it doesn't help). Rest as much as you are able, and if you have difficulty, explore sleep aids with your doctor. (Often, something mild like over-the-counter diphenhydramine--generic for Benadryl--or melatonin works well. Other times, Rx sleep aids are more helpful; either way, talk with your doctor.) Regular exercise can help tremendously, especially when the anger phase arrives. (And it will come and go, the anger.)

Always, always remember: YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE. This has NOTHING to do with your shortcomings, but rather your WS's. You DO have the power to heal yourself---but you can't reconcile on your own. Until it becomes clear whether he can or will commit to R, pull yourself back---for your OWN strength and well-being, use the 180. It will not push your WS away; he's already gone. It WILL help you gain clarity and strength. And it may--as a side effect (though this is not its aim)---let your WS see what he is losing, by continuing down the path of infidelity.

Keep your eyes peeled, in this forum, for the posts with bulls-eyes in front of them. They are classics that contain a lot of really great advice and information for those who are newly betrayed (or newly learning of the betrayal).

Here are the ones I find most useful:

Before You Say Reconcile (so important!)
Understanding the 180:
Tactical Primer:
Boundaries and Consequences 101:

ETA: Sorry for the novel-length post. I know it's a lot to digest. Just take in what you can....and feel free to PM any time.

[This message edited by solus sto at 11:51 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]

putonahappyface posted 5/26/2013 22:37 PM

Wow, the post above from Solus is truly one of the best I've read in a long time. It's truly excellent advice, & I hope you'll read it several times & follow her advice.

As everyone has said, this is not his choice to make! If he has to think about it after 4 years, then this man is not a mature, loving partner for you. I'm so sorry -- you deserve better. Sending you strength for the days ahead...

ButterflyGirl posted 5/27/2013 00:38 AM

I agree that was a fabulous post by Solus. I would re-read it a few times if I were you.

Just my thoughts on what you posted, he says this is the "girl of his dreams." Then, uh, wow, he treats the "girl of his dreams" pretty crappy. If she was so darned special, then he would have officially ended things with you. Would he really risk her finding out that he had another girlfriend?? The truth is he is a PIG. Seriously, he wants his reliable woman (you) and shiny new girlfriend (her). He wants his cake and to eat it too. And now he has you on the defensive, hoping you will work even harder at being a good girlfriend instead of tossing his ass to the curb and reminding him how fabulous you are and that you don't need to put up with his crap. It really sounds like HE needs to work harder at being a good boyfriend..

Please don't compete with this woman for his affections, because the truth is that he is the broken one, and you really need to decide if he is worth it. From what you've posted, especially given how cruel he was to you, I'd say he's certainly not worth it..

Big hugs to you. So sorry for what he has put you through.. Please know that you are so much better than that..

ButterflyGirl posted 5/27/2013 00:38 AM

Sorry, double post. First time I've done that

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 12:40 AM, May 27th (Monday)]

heartache101 posted 5/27/2013 08:53 AM

Solus said it work on yourself.
I myself would look for a new roomy. If possible switch jobs.
DO a hard 180 and work on yourself you deserve so much more.
Go make new friends join a bike club or cooking club etc.

Go live life and be happy.
The best revenge for these people is to be happy.

Heavy Sigh posted 5/27/2013 09:12 AM

Protect yourself financially and seek legal advice to untangle your finances if you share a home and mortgage. If it's an apartment in a city where they are hard to find, then you need to start looking for one.

Once they make you Plan B - a backup safety net in case the new hot sizzling relationship doesn't work out - the relationship is all over anyhow. Done. Finished. Even if he and the new girl break up, you'll find it difficult to put it all back together and feel the same way about him again.

Most of the people who reconcile here are those with many years of memories and history, family entwined, have kids and both have a fear of hurting the kids, and it causes them to stick through a lot of crap and gives WS second thoughts about leaving and cheating again (though some do, anyhow), and gives a lot of guilt which a four-year boyfriend won't necessarily have. Even for those reconciling, this means a lot of misery and pain,off and on, for the next five to 10 years, and a changed relationship and trust. Your wayward seems to be intent on keeping his new girlfriend, and unless you're into polygamy and self-debasement, you have no choice except to leave, detach and try to heal.

I don't think your Wayward Significant Other has it in him to tough it out while he is in sexual lala land.

In fact, he's probably just slowly walking backward out the door with the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech and the "I love both of you" crap.

You can leave with your dignity and finances spared, or stay and fight and make him lose respect for you and you'll likely lose anyhow.

He can't miss you until you're gone, anyhow, so if you are determined to save it, then you'll have to go in order for him to miss you. He won't snap out of lala land until you do, if he ever snaps out of it at all.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 9:16 AM, May 27th (Monday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 5/27/2013 09:34 AM

You asked for 'help', and my guess is that you are roundaboutly asking for a way to *win* him back from her.

Sadly, that is just not how it works. And if you think about it, you really don't want to have to do that. It is demeaning to you. IF you go down that path, and your WBF ends up *choosing* you, then you can pretty well expect that the rest of the time that you spend with him will be miserable because YOU will always have to be on your game.....with the unspoken, underlying 'threat' that he'll just go *find* someone else if/when YOU don't measure up. <--FUCK THAT!!

Sure, he can take his time to decide.
But you are not just some non-entity in this equation. YOU can decide that you don't deserve to be treated as expendable and cut HIM out of YOUR life. You get to have a *say* in this too.

Read Solus' post over and over. And Heavy Sigh's.

IMO, you should *Next* this guy so that you'll be available for a life-partner whose maturity level rises above that of a 4 year old.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 9:35 AM, May 27th (Monday)]

Happydays posted 5/27/2013 09:46 AM

IMO, you should *Next* this guy

If it your house then ask him to leave immediately.

He is definitely cake eating.

Take your time. Relax and don't take decisions in a hurry.

See what you want and go from there.

Like @LifeisBroken said good that this came to light now instead of 20 years down the line. You have a lot of power than you think.

sadandlostsandy posted 5/31/2013 22:45 PM

Dear guys,
when i wrote for help i knew people would be there to support me but I am so grateful and humbled by all of your concern. thank you.
as far as my story goes during "his time to think" we had a fight and he said that its a break up for us.I accepted it din't go about crying. next day I was devastated and cried all day but he was like confused and as if the break up had not got in him yet. We are three days from the night he said it was over and now he too understands that it is a break up. he is moving out this in two days. though we are living in the same house now we are in minimum contact and I am fine.
It is difficult but i know that this is a good thing. though in my heart of hearts i do wish he would come back,but with this experience Iam only going to be better, smarter and stronger and he does not have in it him to handle me.
I have read the 180 and I will closely follow it. Its time to love yourself.
thank you guys.

atsenaotie posted 5/31/2013 22:52 PM

I am glad you are going to be able to make a clean break from this guy sadandlostsandy. His A is about him and his problems, it is in no way a reflection on you.

I have read the 180 and I will closely follow it.

This will be important as you all work together. Be kind to yourself, the 180 can take some practice. If you fall off, just start over.

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