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User Topic: You knew you were detaching when...
♀ 29183
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought this might be an encouraging thread for those who are still in the depths, emotionally, with their waywards. Tesla posted something in New Beginnings (which you all should also go visit, it's not just about new relationship beginnings) that sparked a thought with me. She posted something about a look WXH gave her that used to mean something and now she felt nothing about it.

I immediately remembered something that made me know that I was definitely detaching from WXH and that I was seriously going to be okay. For 12 years, if WXH shed a tear over anything (and it didn't happen often, but was usually related to something significant), I was moved. My heart always went out to him when he got emotional, and it usually meant he was also trying to reach out to me.

7 months after d-day, and him moving out and treating me like crap while I took care of my two boys and my newborn all by myself, I told him something he didn't want to hear. And he teared up. And I watched him tear up and look at me, as if to say, "Look, I'm getting emotional, and you're supposed to now show me sympathy". But I couldn't do it. I found his tears almost comical and had to stifle a smile. I just didn't care. I felt absolutely nothing about his tears.

It was very freeing. He could never emotionally manipulate me ever again. (Not that all his tears had been manipulative all those years - maybe some).

3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know."
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2596 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
♀ 37215
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Detaching" - As I look back, I started detaching little by little by focusing on me instead of him.

"Detached" - Right now, I feel I am detached. I love the person that I am evolving in to! I love my life! I love doing the hard work and coming out even stronger and more insightful! I love the people that are in my life.

The thing is, I have stbx to thank. Had he not cheated and walked out, I would have continued on. My life would have been fine since I did not know any different. But my rose colored glasses were knocked off and I clearly "see" him. Now that I do, I am so relieved he is not my problem and I can truly live a full and authentic life.

Don't get me wrong ... I am not in my own unicorn fart rainbow land ~ he still does crazy shit and I still trigger but I trigger less frequently and the intensity is somewhat manageable.

Posts: 2868 | Registered: Oct 2012
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My detachment didn't happen until I got really angry at the X. He was a master cake-eater; he saw nothing wrong with having a wife & a girlfriend. He was feeding me lines, even after the D; I knew he was lying, but I still didn't want to let go. Then (because I snooped) I found out he was going to meet the OW's family in her hometown. I went berserk but it finally broke any last attachment I had for him.

This was 2 years ago and I can happily say I'm indifferent.

You are important and you matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. Your story matters. Your life matters. Always.

Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
Him: WXH-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011

Posts: 25302 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Arizona
♀ 34352
Member # 34352
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stbxwh was just released today after spending 3 days in the hospital with a weak and congested heart. I hear he'll be okay.

Me: BS 51 and Freaking AWESOME!
Him: Who the fuck cares........

Posts: 259 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Puget Sound
♀ 38735
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I just turned my corner on Mother's Day and I posted about it. STBX showed up in a Mercedes that he rented for skank whore even though he hasn't even purchased beds yet for his kids. He was also an hour late to pick up dd because he was driving the bitch to the airport. I flipped out on him and we had a huge fight, but it was a major turning point for me. I finally realized that I can't control what he does and he will never put the kids in front of OW. As sad as it was to realize that, it was really freeing to let go of it.

So things have been fairly cordial since then as I have had very little contact. Then yesterday, he showed up to help take down window treatments as we were installing new windows. I actually didn't even ask him for help, just asked if he could drop off his drill for me to use. Well, he was a giant dick about it and ended up calling me a bitch over text. Let me just say, that in the 10 years I've known him, he has NEVER called me a bitch. It's just not like him at all. I was definitely taken aback, but just let it roll off my back. I calmly texted back that that was unnecessary and that I would manage to remove the window treatments without his drill.

So he shows up anyway about a half hour later and removes them for me. He then starts laying into me about finances. Saying that I need to give him itemized lists of everything I'm spending each month (because he pays spousal and child support). I told him that I was going to do no such thing and that it was none of his business how I spend money as long as I was caring for the house and kids. Well, he went irate and told me he was going to sue me, LOL. Not sure for what, but that he would sue me. I told him that he was ridiculous and walked out of the room. He later texted me and apologized for his behavior and told me that he was just having a really bad day. Which he got no response to.

For the first time, he tried to bait me repeatedly and I didn't give in. I didn't even feel my blood pressure rising at all. I just didn't care. The first thing I though of when I got the apology text about his "bad day" was how grateful I was that I was no longer his wife and didn't have to be his punching bag on his "bad days". That was now OW's job.

I'm sure that I'm not 100% in the clear and that I will never react to anything again, but I know I've turned a major corner in detaching from him.

BW - Me (40)
XWH -The Gnat
"Engaged" to OW, but the wedding appears to be indefinitely postponed.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (8), 1 DS (3)
Dday 3/13
Happily Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 1270 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: AZ
♀ 33523
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep trying every stinking day to get further away from XH. I know that I mean jack-shit to him, trying to return the favor.

Knowing that he is 'happy' w/OW, seeing proof of it, is the thing pushing me forward.

WTFE, FTG. That slunt is 4% of the woman he threw away. It just hurts knowing that he was ok w/doing just that.

Me: fBW/MH 40s
3.26.13: Liberation day: D'd the whiny turd after being saddled with a serial cheating, NPD, jitbag 10 years too long
Now: happy in life, happily in love with the RIGHT man -----> Everything is as it should be

Posts: 940 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: The Hostile City
♀ 19595
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realized one day when FT called me. It was within the first year after separation. Usually when he called my stomach would do a flip. With the one call I remembered, I felt nothing. In fact I was genuinely annoyed he called about something stupid. It was a gradual process for me.

It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20489 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Revenge  Posted: 1:09 AM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I found out he had a heart attack I did not care or feel bad for him. Was somewhat sorry he didn't actually die. Was glad he didn't want visitors. Does that count as being detached?

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!

Posts: 10722 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♀ 38928
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 2:58 AM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After D-Day #2 (chronologically OW#1) in March 2012, I made it a personal mission to detach to protect my heart. He was working out of the area, but then came home in June after quitting the job. I had told him I would stick it out until DD graduated high school. In order to do that I had to detach out of necessity. I had been emotionally detached since then, andI know he had to notice. I was not nice, but civil. He, in the other hand was acting like nothing ever happened. But I stuck to it, and often found myself wishing he would just die somehow in order to release me from my self-imposed pergatory. Then D-Day #3 happened on 3-28-13. Realized no matter how detached I was emotionally, I simply could not play the game anymore and refused to let him humiliate me further. He ran away that day. His absence has made the continued detachment that much more do-able. I am fine as long as I don't have to talk about it. I am still hoping he will just die and eliminate my problems the easy way...I would rather actually grieve his actual death than the emotional death of what my life once was. Harsh, but unfortunately true...

BS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - 2 adult DDs - DS20 Deceased
Happily divorced!

~Indifference - Because some people do not deserve your emotions.~

I edit often because my tablet is possessed!

Posts: 5105 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Land of Indifference
Topic Posts: 9

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